Ever So Much More Baby-Naming... With Kixia!

Hello, my lovelies! It's me, Kixia! And this is...

(View my previous columns here, here, and here.)

Okay, yes, yes... I know.... I've been notably absent for many moons. Apologies.

Have you guessed why I was gone for so long? Well, if you guessed It's because she was writing a book! you're totally correct!

Let me introduce you to MY baby....

Description: 

Naming a child is arguably the most important thing a parent will ever do, but many parents-to-be report that the process is a "struggle," an "obnoxious challenge," and even "a nightmare." But it doesn't have to be! In this baby-naming guide from blogger and self-declared baby-naming expert Kixia Foster, you'll be provided with the key steps for:

*Choosing a baby name that's modern, classic, and unique, that also perfectly fits your newborn-to-be's personality.

*Avoiding those cliché names that all the other parents are giving their children.

*Steering clear of tragic baby-naming mistakes that could scar your little one for life.

Available in November. Hardback. 112 pages. Suggested retail $29.99.

* * *

Is that exciting, or what? :) :)

Oh, but you're probably thinking, now that Kixia's written a book, she won't be blogging anymore. She expects us to PAY for her advice, does she? But that is UNTRUE! I am pleased to report that I will be continuing to blog... starting... RIGHT NOW!

So, as you can imagine, after my long hiatus from the blogosphere, my inbox looks something like this:

3-7-14 Kixia, help me name my baby!

3-9-14 Kixia, what do you think about this list of names...??

4-2-14 Kixia, help, I'm having twins! Suggestions???

4-5-14 Kixia, why haven't you responded to my messages?

10-12-14 WTF Kixia, it's been 6 months! Where are you??? PLEASE RESPOND

1-4-15 Kixia I've given birth and you still haven't responded. WHAT SHOULD I NAME MY 6 MONTH OLD KID?

2-17-15 KIXIA ARE YOU STILL ALIVE????????????????????

2-19-15 F you Kixia, I just went ahead and named my baby Bob.

While I am flattered that so many people depend on my expertise and advice, I would like to remind my readers that baby-naming (though I AM an expert, let's not kid ourselves) is something anyone can (attempt) to do. Like they say in the movies, "You had the power all along." The power to name your kid Braighlynne Papaya Nicollette Smith IV, if that was your wish. The power is yours, and always was.

But that doesn't mean I've become obsolete, oh no, no, no! (P.S.: Buy my book.)

But basically, if you sent me a message more than six months ago, I'm probably never going to read it or respond to it. But I WILL respond to some of my more recent messages, and you are, of course, welcome to send along more. Who knows? Some of them may be published in my NEXT book!

Here are a few of my recent messages as well as my helpful replies:

-----------------

Dear Kixia,

I'm pregnant with my second daughter, due in November, and need your advice -- not about not the name itself -- but about about the spelling. The name I'm going to give her is essentially "McKinsley" but I don't care for that particular spelling. I want the spelling to be semi-unique but not terribly hard for my daughter to spell out. What do you think about:

Mckynsley

Mikinzli

Makynzleighe

or... other?

Thanks!

Kayteigh Rollins

Mommy to Madysynne Rhozze and TBA

Dear Kayteigh,

How about MKNZLY? It'll get the point across, and will also make a nice license plate, if someone hasn't already taken it. And if it's not available in your state, remember, there are 49 others to choose from. As an aside, www.mknzly.com is still available! Go for it!

Sincerely, 
Kixia

-----------------

Hey Kixia,

Our baby is due in three days and we have no idea what to name it.  HELP US!

--Dale & Codey Martinez

P.S. We don't yet know the sex.

P.P.S. We're hipsters, if that changes anything.

Dale & Codey

San Diego

Dear Dale & Codey,

I have a fun idea that should appeal to all. Here's what you do. When the baby comes out, look at the hair color. Then name the baby accordingly.

Black hair? Ebony for a girl, Ebon for a boy.

Brown hair? Browne for a boy, Bronwyn for a girl.

Blonde Hair: Blondca for a girl, James Blond for a boy.

Red Hair: Redmond for a boy, Karrots for a girl.

And if it's bald? Name it Harry (or Harrie)... in the interest of irony.

Yours,

Kixia

-----------------

Kixia,

We are due with our third daughter in December. Our two girls both have names ending with "ty" (Trinity, 4, and Serenity, 2) and we want our third to have the same. We can't use "Felicity" or "Liberty" because the girls have cousins with those names. We have considered: Charity, Chastity, Modesty, Royalty, Majesty, Infinity, Destiny, and Dynasty. We were wondering what you'd suggest?

From, Jon & Lenea

Port Townsend, Washington

Dear Jon & Lenea,

Well, if you didn't already have a daughter named Trinity, I'd advise you against THAT one. Trinity literally means "a group of three". You want a child with three personalities? Fine. Go that route. Oh wait -- you already did!! Hope she's not a total nutso. And your little Serenity is presumably going through the terrible twos right now -- ever feel like rethinking THAT choice? Sorry, but I think giving kids a "virtue" or "abstract concept" name is giving them a lot to live up to. I mean, what if you give a girl the name Chastity and she doesn't remain chaste? What if Modesty likes to wear skimpy bikinis? What if Royalty becomes a bum? What if Infinity doesn't live forever? YOU SEE?

In conclusion, I suggest Hetty or Betty. Both are classic -ty names that ought to make a comeback any year now.

As always,

Kixia

-----------------

Kixia,

I'm writing to you because I'm upset with you. Well, not just with you, but... well, here's how it is. Three years ago my wife and I asked you for baby name suggestions. You told us that the letter "i" was up-and-coming and that if we gave our baby a name beginning with "i," we would not regret our choice.

Well, we named our daughter Isis, and now, quite frankly, we regret it!

This is not to say our daughter isn't the most perfect, beautiful, creative, smart, and talented child on the planet. Because she is. She just happens to have an unfortunate name.

I know that you didn't personally know, at the time, that Isis would come to represent a terrorist organization, but help us out, here... now what do we do?

-Josh Winters

Vancouver, BC

Dear Josh,

Never in my life have I been so excited by a semi-angry message! Yes, I know that there any many parents of Isis-es around the globe who are now regretting their unfortunate decision. You join the ranks of the many parents of Katrinas, Lances, Sandys, and Donalds, who have, at some point, slapped their foreheads going, "WHY?" 

Here's the silver lining, though. Your last name, and I presume your child's last name is also, Winters, correct? (If the child has a different last name, fine, but remedy that immediately.) So nickname your daughter "Isi," pronounced ICY. And there you have it. Isi Winters! Is she a Frozen fan? If so, why not?

Don't get angry, get smart, Josh! Remove that final "S" and your daughter will thrive.

All my best,

Kixia

-----------------

Hey Kixia,

My sister is pregnant with her first child, and wants to name her, I kid you not, Afternoon. She says that she feels like if Eve and Dawn can both be names, then Afternoon should be acceptable, too. I don't know how to get through to her. I mean, even if Afternoon was an okay name, what would she use for nicknames? Affie? Noo-noo? She says I need to MYOB because it's her kid, not mine, but as this baby's aunt, I feel like I ought to protect this child. Help!

-Megan D.

Atlanta, GA

Dear Megan,

My condolences on having a crazy sister. I know that a few years ago, I recommended (in one of my columns) that people give their kids "noun" names if they wanted to be avant garde, and I stand by that. But not everyone needs to be avant garde, and sometimes when we try to be so, we end up getting ourselves on the CPS watchlist, if you know what I mean.

It is a mystery why some baby names are popular and others, which seem to fall in the same category, are not. For example: months of the year. April, May, June and August are all common baby names. September, January, and November have made a few appearances as well. But nobody who is anybody names their child February, but that may be because of that nefarious extra "r". Who can say?

The same is true for seasons. "Autumn" and "Summer" are great baby names. "Winter", maybe. "Spring" and "Fall"? Heck no.

And don't even get me started on days of the week. "Sunday" and "Wednesday"? Great names. Both were names of feisty female fictional characters. But whenever I hear "Monday" all I ever think about is that detective from Mathnet. "Tuesday" and "Friday"? Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. The jury's still out on "Saturday".

In conclusion, Eve is a great name, Dawn is a retro name, and Afternoon needs to be expunged from your sister's brain, STAT. Have you considered hypnosis? Slip the hypnotist a $50 and your sister might even be persuaded to name her kid Sally.

Best of luck,

Kixia

-----------------

Kixia,

What do you think of the name Oona, for a girl?

Your #1 Fan,

Elisa Jones

Elisa,

I love Oona! They're a great phone service. They're internet-based and super inexpensive, so if you have to have a landline... oh... wait, that's Ooma.

Yes, I love Oona! 

Hakuna Matata,

Kixia

-----------------

Well, that's all I have time for today. Don't forget to check out my book! And remember... you have the power to name your baby... so please don't screw it up.

not an actual book

My Top 14: Things I Loved When I Was 14

Ah, fourteen... that magical age of braces, bad hair, social ineptitude, and general awkwardness. 

Okay, yeah, maybe that wasn't everybody's experience, but I sometimes think of that year as being the beginning of a personal downward spiral, one I wouldn't emerge from until... well... I'm still not sure I've totally emerged, to be honest. It was a gross time and I don't tend to look back on fourteen (or fifteen, or sixteen) fondly.

But when I decided to challenge myself to think of fourteen things I actually enjoyed back then, I was surprised to find it wasn't a difficult task. I may have been a blundering ball of hormones, but I did have interests, some of which I still have today. (And some of which are almost too embarrassing to print!)

That said, I'm betting I've accidentally left off at least one, so I reserve the right to make an addendum.

But as it stands now, here's
My Top 14: Things I Loved When I Was 14

14. Full House Reruns

I guess I should start by explaining when I was fourteen. For those of you who don't know my age -- well, you get to do some math -- I was fourteen between September 4, 1994 and September 3, 1995. And it was in that first September that Full House began its eighth and final season. And it was bad. Like, bad. The writers had apparently used up all their ideas, continuity went out the window, and the episodes were... eh, halfway decent at best.

But that didn't mean I had to stop being a fan of the show. One of our local channels would air episodes in the late afternoon and/or early evening. I can't exactly remember when they aired that year, but I'm fairly certain there were at least two episodes a day, five days a week. That meant they could cycle through the whole series a couple of times a year. I loved it when they'd play the old, old episodes, where Michelle was a baby, Stephanie had those wild curls, and DJ wore big sweatshirts with skirts and called it good.


13. The Nickel Arcade

One place my dad would often take my brother and me was Wunderland, a local arcade where about half the games were free and the other half cost a nickel. The free games were mostly old-school ones like Frogger, Toobin', and Marble Madness. The nickel ones could earn you tickets, which could earn you prizes. There was this one game, with plastic cylinders (seen to the left) that you had to sweep into a pocket with an electric arm to score points for tickets. I developed a knack for it and was able to get some really good prizes. I think they've changed the mechanics of the machine, now, because during a recent trip to the arcade, I found it's much harder to sweep the cylinders into the pocket than it used to be. And I don't think it's because I've forgotten how. Really, I think they've made it harder. Darn carnies!

12. The Mom & Pop Video Store

A mile or two from our house there was a mom and pop video store that my parents would take me and my brother to fairly regularly. Not every weekend, but often enough. And the thing I remember most about it is browsing... for what seemed like hours. Walking to and fro among rows and rows and shelves galore of cardboard VHS boxes, their bright covers beckoning. If one caught my eye, I'd read the back. I'd figure out which actors were in what movies, and try to find other things they were in. After however long of browsing, I'd usually end up taking home something I knew I'd like... ie, something I'd rented before. But it's funny because I have this heightened familiarity with most of the movies that were released between 1992-1995 because of how often I looked at those covers. How many of them have I gone back and watched? Alas, very few. Very few indeed.

11. Bowling & The Used Book Store

I have to lump these two together because visiting them always happened together. There was -- okay, still is -- a bowling alley not too far from my house. As a young teen, I loved to bowl... I thought it was great fun. Now, not so much. (I won't even mention my average.) So my dad would take me and my brother to the bowling alley, we'd play a couple of games, and then afterward he'd take us to the used book store around the corner. This book store was amazing. There was a cat who roamed the place. The shelves were floor-to-ceiling, and they were everywhere. There were even two places in the store where you could actually wind yourself into a dead end (surrounded by books!) I would say I miss it, but since I think it's still around, I ought to just stop being lazy and drive over there sometime.

10. Writing

At fourteen, I had one of those "I want to be a writer" epiphanies that have struck, oh, five or six times throughout my life. (You'd think a person could just have one.) I was reading Highlights one day, when I discovered that they paid $100 for published stories. I COULD BE RICH! I JUST HAD TO WRITE A STORY! I became convinced that this would be the most lucrative, fun career of all time. A few months later, I actually won an essay contest and got an $100 savings bond, fueling my passion, but Highlights politely rejected the one story I sent at the time. Annnd then I pretty much kept everything else hidden for the next four years, until fanfic came along. But that's another age altogether....

9. Babysitting

There are some teenagers who never take to babysitting, and I get that. And I must admit that in my later teens I began to see babysitting as a drag that paid too little. (My mother, having earned a whopping 35 cents an hour back in the 60's for her babysitting jobs, balked at the $3 an hour I'd earn and say I was getting paid too much. IN THE 90's!) But when I first began babysitting, I loved it. I was right down on the floor playing with the kids... I had about as much energy as they did... and when it was time to go home, the parents would hand me a wad of cash... for playing. Not only that, but I was living out all the fantasies I'd saved up from years and years of reading Baby-Sitters Club books.

This is not to say I don't still enjoy babysitting once in a while -- and a lot of it depends on who I'm taking care of -- but the sheer thrill that it had as a young teen is, I'm afraid, long gone.

8. Barbies

Okay, so this is the embarrassing confession I alluded to earlier. I still played with Barbies at 14. When I was 10 my dad built me a Barbie house with six rooms and an attic. And I was still playing with them in high school. Mostly I liked making up soap-opera-esque stories for them, or posing them in chairs like a photographer might. I think playing with them helped develop my love of storytelling. So laugh if you want, but Barbies were the best, and I won't tell you how old I was when I finally boxed them up. Nope. Because I've already said enough.

7. Pocahontas

Long before Disney tried to capitalize on the popularity of their "princesses," I was interested in any Disney movie with a female, human lead.  As it had been three and a half years between Beauty and the Beast and Pocahontas, I was definitely ready for another "princess" movie. Now, I've talked about Pocahontas before in this blog. I know about all the controversies, BUT... I think the film had and has a lot to offer. But I won't go into that. I'll just talk about how much of a fanatic I was. Posters, Burger King toys, stuffed animals... anything my pitiful allowance could afford. I especially adored Meeko, the raccoon.

Now, do I still feel the same way about the film? Well... not really. It's still watchable, but I haven't held on to my love for it like I have with Beauty and the Beast. This may or may not have something to do with Mel Gibson (voice of John Smith) turning to the dark side. Or maybe it has everything to do with that?

6. Step By Step

Okay, so I've talked about this show in the past on this blog, and I won't bore you with the same old stuff. I just want to say that this was the show that more or less replaced Full House in the sitcom department for me that year. Just as FH got lame, SBS got awesome. I loved Fridays. Why are Friday nights so boring now?

5. Recording Things On The VCR

At 14, I had a tiny allowance ($3 a week), didn't make all that much babysitting, and my parents were only willing to take me to movies they wanted to see. So that year I didn't get to the theater very often (The Lion King, The Santa Clause, and Pocahontas are the only movies I recall). I was also too young to rent anything from the video store down the street, which required you to have a driver's license or I.D. And to top it all off, my parents really didn't own any movies on VHS. (We had a few Disney movies and one or two Shirley Temple things.) But they had, at least, taught me how to tape stuff off the TV. So, at about 14, I started doing it myself. I would buy blank tapes for $2 apiece and fill them with all manner of TV-ish things. In my later teen years, I would become quite crazy, taping every TV show I could (not having any inkling of DVD boxed sets in the future). But when I first started, I mostly taped made-for-TV-movies. 

So if your cable ever goes out and you're just dying for a marathon of Mother, May I Sleep With An Unwed Axe Murderer's Baby?-type movies, call me. I'm sure I can provide.

4. Computer Time

Computers in 1994-95 were so... simple. Before the internet came along, you could use a PC to type stories, draw pictures, and -- if you were lucky -- play a couple of games, such as Sim City. But even with its limitations, that PC of ours provided hours of entertainment. We had a card-making program that I enjoyed (I had no idea what the printer's ink cost, and didn't care!) and I enjoyed drawing things in, what was it, MS Paint? Something like that.

And then my brother got a program called Klik & Play. He used it to design little video games which he'd show off to his sixth-grade friends. 

Later he would adapt one of those games into an award-winning iPhone game.

Meanwhile, I used the Klik & Play to make tiny little avatars and pretty pictures!!

3. My Girl 2

It's weird to think how much I used to adore this movie. I think it was my age. The movie's about an awkward teenage girl who gets the chance to take a trip without her parents and, along the way, discover who she is. Plus she meets a cute guy. PLUS she gets to have a baby brother, which made me so jealous. Mainly because...

2. Babies

When I was 14, I was obsessed with babies. Baby clothes, baby toys, and, of course, the entities themselves. This obsession is not unheard of in humans, but for many of us it hits in our twenties or thirties, when that annoying bio-clock starts chiming. For me it happened at 14, and it wasn't that I wanted to HAVE one (gross!); rather, I wanted my parents to have another. I was sure that if I asked enough times or made compelling enough arguments, they'd be all for it. But I never got that baby sibling. Meanwhile, my babysitting clients got younger, and, for the first time, I was asked to babysit for an infant. I was even asked to babysit for this baby and his toddler brother, at our home, overnight once. It was then that I learned how much -- or rather how little -- sleep a person gets when there's a baby in the house. And while I still thought having another sibling was a nice idea, that one overnight experience convinced me that, when I really gave it some honest thought, maybe babies were nicer just to look at than to actually have for keeps. But you know, that's just me. I love other people's babies. Thank you for continuing to have them, my friends.

1. Lois & Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman

This one earns the number one spot, and for good reason: I was pretty much obsessed with it. Words can not describe how much I loved this show. I would tape and watch the episodes Sunday night, then re-watch them all throughout the week. That year, season 2 was airing, and it was EPIC. Lois and Clark fell in love and basically got together. I mean, he proposed... and then there was a summer-long cliffhanger (TORTURE!) There were some great episodes, such as That Old Gang Of Mine, Season's Greedings, Tempus Fugitive and And The Answer Is... so many more. Shoot, even just talking about it makes me want to get out the DVDs and have a marathon.

Ahhhh happy memories.


-----

And the inevitable addendum:

The Nanny
Wow, how did I forget this one?? (Well, the fact that it was 18 years ago COULD be a factor....) The Nanny was a must-watch show for most or all of 1994 & 1995. I also enjoyed Dave's World, the show that followed it.

Tetris
I got my own Gameboy in 1995, and with it, Tetris. I don't like to brag, but I'm prrrretty good at that game.

Even More Baby Naming With Kixia!

Greetings, my friends and loved ones! I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted, but I've been very busy. First there was Draw Something, then SongPop, and now Farmville 2. It's atrocious the way those things suck up your time. As a result, some people who didn't even know they were pregnant when I did my last post are now about to give birth! Isn't life amazing? 

But let's get down to business. Here are some of the emails I've received lately!

Dear Kixia,

My wife and I are expecting. We want a name that’s sort of hip and modern, but we also want something that's not often used. Where should we look? 

--Jason

Jason,

One of my favorite places to look for baby names is during the credits of movies. Not only do a lot of actors and actresses have crazy names, but their characters’ monikers are sometimes out of this world! Generally speaking, audiences are hesitant to name their babies after a movie character, thinking it’s tacky, but trust me -- in a year, no one will remember what movie the name came from, and your future offspring will be just fine.

Let’s take a look at some of the names from the more popular movies of 2012!

"The Avengers"  - Loki, Thor, Selvig, or Pepper

"The Dark Knight Rises"  - Bane, Fox, Foley, Daggett, Stryver

"The Hunger Games" - Seneca, Katniss, Primrose, Peeta

"The Expendables 2" -  Gunnar, Booker, Trench, Church, Pilar

"Snow White and the Huntsman" - Ravenna, Nion, Coll, Finn

If that doesn't give you enough to think about, there are plenty more where those came from!

-Kixia

Dear Kixia,

My name is Susan Tupper, and I am the author of Naming Your Baby Without Shaming Your Family (Randall House, 2011), which was the best-selling baby name book for over two days in July of 2011 on amazon.com.

I take issue with your last column, in which you suggested that parents who want to give their children unique names to choose everyday objects, such as Teapot, and use those as monikers. Just because celebrities are missing enough brain cells to choose names like “Rocket” or “Pencil” doesn’t mean well-educated “regular” folks should follow suit. In fact, we should get as far away from that trend as possible!

Yes, some parents will always want to give their children unique names. However, in my professional opinion, there are better ways to go about it. My colleagues and I have invented two “baby-naming games” that I hope you will see fit to share with your readers. They are as follows:

1. Keyboard Jamboree: Four out of five experts agree there is no better way of letting a baby’s older siblings be involved in that child’s life than being an active participant in the naming process! This works especially well with children between the ages of 1 and 5. Simply place the older child in front of a computer and allow their innocent, child-like fingers to caress the keyboard. The letters that present themselves onscreen will be the newborn baby’s name. It may look strange to you at first, but the process will certainly bond your family together.

2. Scrabble Tiles Jubilee: Place “Scrabble” tiles in a bag. Each family member, starting with the oldest, should take turns pulling out a letter until six or seven have been chosen. The letters should then be spread out on a table and arranged to make something that sounds “name-like.” If no vowels were drawn, the family may decide what vowel sounds the name should have; actual letters not necessary.

My colleague Anna used this method to name all three of her children, and I can assure that Jamack, Belvia, and Feshdr are very healthy and happy, and no in-laws were shamed in the naming process.

Regards,

Susan E. Tupper

Author of Naming Your Baby Without Shaming Your Family (Randall House, 2011, 332 pages)

Susan,

Thanks? I guess.

-Kixia

Dear Kixia,

My husband and I are expecting twins in November -- two boys, to be precise -- and we want to choose two names that go together. But we don’t want one name to be better than the other, because we’d hate to be the cause of any future resentment between the boys. Yet it is so difficult to pick two names that not only sound nice, but that are equal in merit. What should we do?

-Tiana H., Clifton, Maine

Tiana,

Your problem is both extremely common and extremely serious. The fact of the matter is, one of your boys’ names will come before the other's in the alphabet, unless of course you give them the exact SAME name (which I would not recommend as it incites confusion). Fact: the child whose name appears first in our alphabet will have the advantage in life. He is likely to feel superior to his brother. Therefore, I suggest you give the boy whose name comes later in the alphabet the slightly better name. This will cause everything to be harmonious and bring about justice for all.

-Kixia

Kixia,

Can you please tell your readers to stop naming their kids things that rhyme with Aidan? In my son's class at school he has a Braedon, a Cayden, a Jaden, a Hayden (female), and a Zaydon. Whatever happened to Christopher? Or Michael? Or names that didn't rhyme with each other?

-Mark in Syracuse

Mark,

I hear you, I do. And while having two simultaneously-popular names that happen to rhyme is not that unusual (think: Lloyd and Floyd, Chester and Lester, Jean and Dean, Greg and Craig, or Mary/Carrie/Terry/Jerry/Gary/Barry/Larry), I think parents need to get away from the -aidan trend in the same way they should step away from all names starting with "Mc." They've been done. To death. Get over it.

-Kixia

Hi Kixia, 

In the last couple of years, I've had several friends give their babies these super long names, that they then immediately shorten to nicknames. Lilliannabelle becomes Lilli, Allyssabeth becomes Ally, and Sebastian becomes Ian. My question is, if you're going to call your kid by a nickname anyway, why give them the long name to begin with?

-Curious in Oklahoma

Dear Curious,

It's an American thing. It's as if parents think letters (as in the ABCs) are akin to layers of blankets, that the more you have, the more secure/safe/happy your child will be. Plus they're afraid of their kids hitting age 5, declaring name-hatred, and running off to the nearest social security office to become an Isabella or a Jeremiah. If they start off by giving their child a long name with lots of syllables, then the child can keep their original name but have a slew of nicknaming options. And sure, some folks will simply name their kid Ada or Ian to begin with, but at what risk? If you ask me, none. In fact, I'm getting so tired of the "Lynne" and "Ella"s being tacked to the end of names, that I think the United States should impose a special tax on any parent who gives their child a name with more than three syllables. We'd either solve the deficit or stop the madness. A win-win, if you ask me.

-Kixia

Goofy Retro Baby Ads, Part 2

(Here's Part 1, for those who missed it)

And on to part 2 of goofy baby ads from 1980-1982...

Wow! Can I REALLY turn my baby's first pair of shoes into all those things? A useful TV lamp, smart book ends, OR a handsome ash tray, for a mere $3.99? 

Handsome ash tray.

"Hey, Joe, you got an ash tray I can use?'

"Yeah, over there, between my baby's bronzed feet."

Stay classy, parents of the 80s.

If you don't want your baby to suffer, why did you stick her in a pure white Victorian-era gown, people?

This looks so comfortable, it kind of saddens me that you would never see an ad like this anymore. Baby lying on her side? NOOOO! Baby with a blanket in her crib? MURDERERS! But.... it looks sooo comfy....

The three babies at the top don't look like they're even a part of the ad. They're like the faces you find on billboards. "Have you seen me? Call 1-800-TheLost." Perhaps it's the black & white, but they look kind of sinister.

Maybe it's just me, but when I hear (see?) a name like Don Green, I think of an older gentleman, maybe 70-something. A grandpa who likes to smoke his pipe and play Rummy with the guys. And then we have this baby and all I can think of is that Harry Potter book where the death eater falls into the case of Time Turner sand and keeps morphing into a baby and then growing up and then going back to baby-hood and it's horrible and twisted and for some reason didn't make it into the movie, but whatever; why the heck is an old guy wearing Huggies?

"I don't know much about babies, but nevermind that, give me a couple to hold! What do you MEAN you had to ask your parents who I was? I'm a celebrity! I mean, I was! But I... well.... oh, just buy Borax!"

I'm not sure I'm down (get it?) with leaving a bottle of fabric softener in the baby's crib, but... okay?

ORANGE-FLAVORED CHEWABLE ASPIRIN!! YUMMY!!

I know we used these wipes when I was little, and yeah, I'm still here, but I find it strange that they could sell the product by claiming it contains some secret ingredient known as CSP, not explain what that even is, and expect that parents will snatch it up. Did red flags not exist back then? Did parents just think, "Ooh! An acronym! Fancy! Must buy!"?

Man, now I'm curious. A Google search of CSP brings back "Chest Striped Polo," "Compulsive Skin Picking," and "Combat Simulator Project." Not helpful. The closest thing I could find was Compounded Sterile Product, but even that isn't a cleaning agent, just "a thing that's sterile."

Quick, somebody call History's Mysteries and make them figure out what the hell.

Remember how in fifth grade you'd write a report for school and it would say something like "Abraham Lincoln helped our country in many ways" and then you'd expand on that by saying: "He helped free the slaves, and he helped abolish slavery, oh and also he helped Black People a lot and stuff" and expect to get an A?

This ad kind of does that, too. 

 "And there are so many ways to love a baby with Johnson's baby powder," says the ad. It then goes on to list a mere three ways, and yet they're essentially all the same: you put the powder on the baby.  

It's just baby powder, y'all.... stop making it sound like it's going to suddenly jump up and start doing tricks.

It's the baby farm!

"I love you, Baby. But I really love these towels and my box of Bounce, too! HOW DO I CHOOSE??? Wait... I don't have to choose! I have two arms! There is enough love to go around!!"

So remember that time you pushed out a baby? And you know how now, you can't seem to push out anything? See what we did there? Haha, buy our milk.

Baby, too, huh? Sucks to be your family!

Because landfills are limitless!

"It won't accidentally fold while your baby is inside." Holy crap, the horrors of the past! I'm glad I didn't have to raise kids back when. Sheesh, what with worrying about Polio, Rickets and Consumption, you also had to worry about playpens swallowing up toddlers. Scary times.

Says the ad: "The Infantoy Happy Clam plays Peek-a-Boo, a game that teaches baby that objects still exist, even when out of sight."

I'm so glad they explained this for us. Because you know, some people don't see the value in Peek-a-Boo. People like Father.

Actual* conversation:

Mother: Peek-a-boo!

Baby: Ga ga!

Father: Stop that nonsense at once! Peek-a-Boo is a silly, silly game! Why, Junior should be learning the French Horn and studying Shakespeare, not playing absurd games with no educational value!

Mother: But dear, according to this advertisement, Peek-a-Boo will teach our baby that objects STILL EXIST, even when OUT OF SIGHT!

Father: Still exist? Out of sight, did you say? By jove, you're RIGHT! Why, this is essential to our baby's growth and development. QUICKLY! Resume the game!

Mother: Oh, but my hands are so tired... alas.... Wait, look here! This so-called Happy Clam will teach our child about existentialism and the like!

Father: Let us purchase it immediately! Take my charge plate and GO!

*-And by actual I mean fictional. They're the same, right?

Apparently Mothercare is not only safe, stylish, and SPECIAL... but also... plural? Grammar police, please.

Thank goodness for a well-stocked medicine cabinet full of things that make baby go ni-night! I love you, medicine cabinet.

I like how the man and the woman are getting romantic in the third picture. Before this lady discovered nursing pads, her husband kept his distance. I mean, really, the lady was leaking all over the place and her boobs looked hideous and her husband couldn't even stand to look at her. But NOW-- ooh la la, more babies on the WAY!

Now available in Bam-Bam-With-A-Nipple-Hat variety!

Having trouble getting your baby to fall asleep? We have the perfect solution. In fact, it's so brilliant, we're amazed no one has thought of it before or since. We like to call it PLOWING A LOCOMOTIVE PAST YOUR BABY'S HEAD. No, really! Logic would suggest otherwise, but in fact, the noise and movement totally makes the baby close its eyes and go to sleep. WooWOO! Chugachuga! All aboard for dreamlannnnd!

Goofy Retro Baby Ads, Part 1

In this post I make fun of baby-themed print ads circa 1980-1982.

"It could only be Johnson's Baby Lotion." That, or strawberry yogurt being impaled.

Finally! Remember when opening high chair trays required TWO entire hands? Remember how you had to put the baby on the floor while you wrestled with the chair, and half the time the baby would crawl away and get lost and the other half of the time you'd forget what you were even doing until hours later, when you would find your youngster outdoors, hunting for game and cooking it over an open fire? ...

 Never again.

My dad used to go to a barber who had three chairs in his waiting area that looked remarkably like this carseat. I feel like this baby ought to be smoking a cigar and shuffling a deck of cards.

Cushies claims a new, easy-to-open container. I don't buy it. Even in 2012, I have trouble getting these things open.

Buy Evenflo, get a free airhorn!

The driest ad I've ever seen.

Lysol used to make maple syrup?

So... does she use the same cloth in all four of those pictures? And in that order?

Copy written by Jennifer, age 22 months.

I get that the water probably only looks yellow because the tub is yellow, but the art director was clearly asleep at the wheel, here. ALL WRONG.

I know where to buy these things already. Great Aunt Myrtle's estate sale, duh.

INFINITE reclining positions! It can recline back, really far back, upside-down, and even fourth-dimensionally! The Maxi Taxi: For when you want a really embarrassing name attached to your stroller.
(A quick google search reveals the brand is still around, but it's still a cheesy name, dangit.)

Yes, ask your mother. Ask the woman who your baby has apparently never seen before and is also highly suspicious of. Go on, ask her! :D

For more, check out Part 2!