The Corona Chronicles: Chapter 14 (Let's See How Far We've Come)

 

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Yeah. It ain't good.

But... there's a vaccine out there! An end is in sight! Except it'll take several months (or more) for everyone to get it, and in the meantime, people might let their guards down. 

And can you believe there are still Covid deniers out there? A certain elderly relative of mine might be among the first to get the vaccine (if he wants it) because he lives in an assisted living facility... though why would he need a vaccine, anyway? According to him, he's never been sick a day in his life! (Cancer doesn't count!) Of course, he swore that Covid would suddenly end after the election, because it was all a conspiracy anyway. AUGHHHHH.

I've had several friends who've had it. None ended up in the hospital, thank goodness, but the lasting effects are scary to think about.

I've been thinking about how things have changed between March and now, December. We've come a long way and learned a lot. We're a little less afraid of touching things. I remember people were sanitizing their mail in those first couple months. 

Someday we won't wear masks anymore. Count me among one of the weirdos who actually doesn't mind wearing one, except when my glasses fog up. What can I say?

Also, count me among one of the teachers who doesn't mind distance learning. It's not perfect, but neither was in-person learning. If your school had perfect in-person learning in the "before" times, I guess you would miss that. However, ours was a clusterfudget, and I don't. 

Meeeeanwhile...

It's the holiday season! But I haven't watched a single holiday special yet. I've been too busy rewatching The Queen's Gambit, now with obligatory pauses every 10-15 minutes to break open Chess Titans and play against a very sneaky computer. And no matter how many green apple Jelly Bellies I consume, no pawns are appearing on my ceiling. Drat.

Speaking of holiday specials, they've taught me (and all of us?) some very important lessons that are suddenly more relevant in 2020 than ever before.

These lessons include:

It's okay to go minimalist on the decor. -- A Charlie Brown Christmas

No matter how miserable you've been lately, you can make things brighter for someone else tomorrow. -- A Christmas Carol

Distanced from your family? You can have a grand old time all by yourself! EAT ALL THE ICE CREAM AND SLED DOWN THE STAIRS! -- Home Alone

If your social gathering goes awry this year, there's always next year! -- Die Hard

If you have no money to buy presents, make 'em (or find 'em in the barn!) -- A Garfield Christmas

If someone steals all your presents and decorations, SING YOUR HEART OUT ANYWAY. -- How The Grinch Stole Christmas

If you've offended Santa to the point where he won't visit your town this year? Fix that dang town clock and summon him back, darnit! - Twas The Night Before Christmas (1974)

Didn't get that ONE present you really wanted? It's fine; you might've shot your eye out with it anyway. - A Christmas Story

 

Oregon Zoo In Lights

(Previous posts in series: Oregon Zoo In Fall, Oregon Zoo In Late Fall)

Each year from late November to early January, the Oregon Zoo lights up. The zoo stays open for special hours and boasts a world of dazzling illumination called ZooLights. Of course, this isn't the best time to see the animals, since only the indoor ones can be seen then, and most of them go to sleep when it gets dark. (I did get some good pictures of the bats, though -- I'll post those in my next zoo photoblog.)

Here are some shots I took at ZooLights during my recent visits:

Presents Of (An Odd) Mind - 2013 Edition

There is some weird stuff out there, my friends.

As I peruse Amazon.com and other shopping sites looking for gifts, I keep stumbling across bizarre toys and other strange products.

I often find myself gasping. Laughing. WTF-ing. And then bookmarking.

I do this... for you.

I know some of you are trying to snag some last-minute gifts this holiday season. The space under the tree may be looking a little too vast. Maybe you've been so busy you just haven't gotten to the stores (or, like a sensible person, you're avoiding the wolves hordes crowds.) Then again, perhaps you're parenting little Dudley Dursleys, who just have to have that 37th present or they will blow a fuse.

Whatever. Just take a look at these things I've found that, for some reason, exist, and decide for yourself: Should I laugh? Cry? Click on the links and pay the overnight shipping, because dangit, the item is just that spectacular?

Only you can decide.

First up we have:

Musical Toys HMX2007 Turtle Glockenspiel

Let's be clear -- I don't generally have a problem with turtles, nor do I take issue with glockenspiels.

You wanna combine the two? Sure, whatever.

But did you have to give the guy this face?

What is happening here? The poor turtle looks like someone's been whacking him in the forehead with that mallet.

Then again, from this angle, he just looks terrified...

Help meeeeee!

"Mommy, why does my new present look sad to see me?"

Happy faces: look into it.

Augh wait no nevermind.

Little Mommy Baby So New Tiny Dancer Doll

Annnd this toy's name gives me a headache. Let's dissect it, shall we?

Little Mommy - I assume this is referring to the target market for the toy; young kids who want to play mommy. Fair enough.

Baby So New - Aren't babies usually new? Still, I challenge the "so." She's sitting up by herself already; she can't be that new. Word usage fail.

Tiny Dancer - New she may be, but not so new that she can't be an aspiring ballerina. Why, I'm sure Juilliard will be ringing her up as soon as she ditches the diapers.

Doll - I will concur that she is a doll.

Meanwhile -- believe it or not -- so is this:

Real Baby Doll, Baby Summer

Now, in the world of "dolls that look creepily real," Summer isn't that terrifying. I mean, I wouldn't mistake her for an actual baby, but that might be because I don't know a lot of real babies who look like they're posing for Glamour Shots. Summer may be a bit Toddlers & Tiaras, but you could do worse. You could have Ashley....

So Truly Real Lifelike Baby Doll - Ashley

Ashley doesn't only look like she recently vacated someone's uterus -- she can actually (well, mechanically) breathe. When I was a kid, I was impressed if my new baby doll came with a velcro-fastening diaper... this one comes with LUNGS!

Compare to:

Chloe, who can really move. (Gah.)

Olivia, who really "holds" your hand. (Get off.)

WAIT.

This doll is not a toy, she is a fine collectible to be enjoyed by adult collectors.

Do childless adults buy these to fill a void? I'm serious, is that what they're for?

Let's compare baby Ashley to a real baby, shall we?

Real Babies: Costs a whole lot, considering the hospital bills, diapers, food or formula, and all the rest.

Baby Ashley: Costs $129.99, and can be paid for in five easy installments.

Real Babies: Breathe, cry, spit up and poo.

Baby Ashley: Just breathes. Ahhh, so pleasant.

Real Babies: Grow and get all heavy and scratchy.

Baby Ashley: Stays a tiny wee lass forever.

Real Babies: Grow up and sometimes get really obnoxious.

Baby Ashley: Can be returned free of charge within the first 365 days.

Then again, HOW DARE YOU EVEN CONSIDER RETURNING YOUR ONE-YEAR-OLD BABY!

Er, doll. I meant to say doll.

Speaking of dolls, these bother me:

Donnelly Modern Family of 5 Dollhouse Miniature Set

Features father, mother, son, daughter, and baby

Clad in modern clothing on a 1:12 scale

Exquisite set suitable for use in collector dollhouses

Modern. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Now, here comes a doll I can get behind. It's Belle, from Beauty and the Beast, the best animated film of all time! (Don't argue with me.)

Disney Princess My First Little Belle Royal Playtime Set

OH NO THEY DIDN'T.

Welp, time to make a list called Things I Hate About This Play Set

1. Belle is now a baby. We've reduced a headstrong, lovely, romantic, heroic young woman into a diaper-wearing slobberpuss. Lovely.

2. Baby Belle is wearing a tiara. Why would she have a tiara as a baby? She was not royal by birth!

3. Even a royal baby wearing a tiara would be weird. Those things are heavy.

4. Whatever is molded onto that pink block. I think it might be Chip but without a face. 

5. The miniature Beast. Are we supposed to assume that if Belle were a baby, she would be apt to play with a toy that looks like her future husband who's currently under a curse but is totally dressed up and ready for romance? But also tiny? Guess so.

6. The rocking horse. It's the biggest thing in the box, besides Belle, and the box exclaims: "Let's play on my rocking horse!" Why a horse? Why that horse? Sure, Belle rode Philippe the Horse a couple of times in the movie, but it wasn't as if she was a champion equestrian. She loved BOOKS... and the only books I see in that set are mayyybe on the shelf next to the Beastkin, and they're drawn in. Let's not give Belle her actual personality or anything!

7. The yellow dress. I know, a lot of Belle toys through the years have had her in that yellow getup, even though she barely wears it in the film and it wouldn't make sense to show her wearing it before she arrived at the castle. But hey. It's iconic or something. Still, to see her going back in time 20 years and still wearing it -- give me a break.

In conclusion, I hate this toy.

Melissa & Doug Surgeon Puppet

Yikes. Okay, I get that this might be something people purchase for hospitals or whatever so that kids can role-play what they've been through or what to expect when they go into surgery, but as someone who's had surgery herself... this thing makes me want to hide. This guy doesn't even look like a nice surgeon. Those eyebrows! That hair! And I don't even wanna know what's behind that mask.

Well, let's move away from dolls, now. I mean, not every kid wants their non-living social companion to be a humanoid. Some kids want stuffed teddy bears. Or fuzzy bunnies. Or... cow balloons....

Walking My Own Pet Balloons Farm Animals Edition

And, in case your kid would rather have a creature of the equine variety, or... would rather pretend to be a creature of the equine variety....

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask

Yep.

Happy nightmares!

Hey, speaking of costumes, if you plan to have a mid-sized baby by October, 2014, you might want to get in on this deal:

Paper Magic King Pig Infant Costume

Originally $30, now on sale for under $10! What a steal! Who doesn't want their baby to look like a green pig?

And if you like costumes, there's more where that came from!

Switching gears...

Monsters University - Toxic Race Playset

So... I'm not in marketing -- and even if I was, I would be an utter failure because my tastes don't seem to match the general population's -- but if I was in marketing, I might raise a red flag re: a kids' toy with the word "toxic" in the title. Isn't that what we're trying to avoid?

But that's not this toy's biggest problem. It's a racing set where two balls are supposed to compete, but it only comes with one ball. It's also apparently so cheapo that it has gotten a bunch of 1-star reviews on Amazon.com, and, as one reviewer put it, "Do not buy this toy OR the racers or you will have one super upset kid."

I hope that reviewer had another present wrapped & waiting to give to his or her upset kid. Like maybe one of these?

Accoutrements Giant Ear

Be careful what you say, the walls have ears. Put one of these 20" x 12" (51 x 30 cm) tall plastic ears on your wall for a little aural atmosphere or cover a room with wall to wall ears for an eerie art project. Left ear only.            

I'm beginning to think this Accoutrements company is one I want to avoid (except, of course, when I'm making these lists.)

Well, I don't think I can top that ear. (Seriously, it's nearly two feet tall. What do you DO with that?) so I guess I'll call it a year.

No matter what last-minute gifts you choose to purchase (for your kids, friends, family, enemies, or yourself), I hope they make you and your loved ones happy.

Happy Holidays, all!

Presents Of (an odd) Mind

So I was going to do a list of terrible Christmas toys this year. But that didn't happen. Best-laid plans, etc. etc. Okay, I hadn't really laid out any actual plans. I'd merely gathered some links. Every once in a while I'd run across some weird or stupid or inane toy on the internet. And I thought it would be fun to showcase them around the holidays. And laugh at them. Because that's what I love to do.

But I've come to realize that every time I think something is ridiculous, there's an 8-year-boy or a 13-year-old girl or a five-year-old whatever, somewhere, who thinks that toy is completely fabulous. I mean, I thought these backpacks were the epitome of dumb, considering they're spiky, so how can that be comfortable? And on top of that, $50!? But then I saw them for sale at Powell's, and while that doesn't exactly turn them into spiny gold, it does give them some cred. Some....

So no official list. But because I don't like to waste, here are a few of the other toys whose pages I bookmarked over the past year:

Pink Pewi Bike (No, really, they think that's a bike!)

Titanic Iceberg Challenge (Because tragedy can be fun!)

Glass Tunnel (That kid looks way too thrilled.)

And then there's this -- Monster High Create-A-Monster -- which I initially saw at Target, and is apparently a popular thing?

Wait.

WAIT. 

Is that...?

Is it really...?

I THINK IT IS!!!

Well, you know what THIS calls for...

CARE BEARS' STAAAARRRREEE! DESTROYYYY ITTTTT!!!!

Meanwhile, Mattel should really look into the whole concept of having the kid/consumer put the doll together, like that monster toy up there. Think of the possibilities for future Barbie products! Instead of having to pay someone to assemble the dolls, Mattel could just throw Barb's head, arms, legs, torso, and accessories into a box and be like, "Hey, it's Create-A-Barbie!"

Laugh now, but in a few years' time when this is actually a thing, you'll wish you hadn't.

Have a very Merry Christmas!

Up A Tree Without A Clue

Every year, people are faced with the same grueling decision: What to put on the top of the Christmas tree?  

Should it be a star, symbolizing the star the Three Wise Men saw up in the sky that led them to the little town of Bethlehem?

Or, perhaps, an angel, in honor of the angel & his posse who heralded the lowly shepherds with the news of Jesus' birth?

It's a tough one.  Luckily, some families do not need to make this yearly decision, because they have a set tradition. Every year, it's the same.  These people are, you could say, on Team Star OR Team Angel.  

But, for the sake of shaking things up a bit, I would like to propose a NEW team.  Something entirely else for trees this holiday season.  Something like this...

Huzzah! Vampire up a tree!

Last weekend I was visiting my relatives in Port Angeles, Washington, one of several meccas for Twilight fans.  In the first book and movie, Bella and her friends go there to buy prom dresses.  Bella goes to a book store and then nearly gets attacked by some frat guys.  She is saved by Edward, his Volvo, and his Glare of Doom, and they go out to dinner together.  She eats pasta, he eats her, they all die, the end.

Or no, I think I skipped a part.

SO ANYWAY, Port Angeles has decided it wants to cash in on all the Twi-hards by offering them wares galore in a store called "Dazzled By Twilight."  Yes, in the heart of downtown Port Angeles, there is an entire store devoted entirely to the Twilight saga.

 How long it'll actually last is anyone's guess.

Inside, there were racks of garments honoring all the vampires.  There were statues and cardboard cutouts and posters and mugs and bleeping shrines devoted to the major characters.

There were middle-aged ladies scoping out the newest merchandise and pestering the clerks about when sold-out items would be in stock.

There were pieces of merchandise celebrating Forks, the town where Bella and Edward supposedly live.  There was a display devoted to La Push, home of Jacob and his ilk.  

 hay guys anyone got a shirt i can borrow?

 

There was jewelry, including Bella's engagement ring -- so that you, too, can be engaged to Edward.  Oh, Edward and his silly polygamous ways!

To the Twilight fan, Dazzled By Twilight has got to be a dream come true.  For me, who read 90% of the first book and saw two of the movies, it's a little strange and overwhelming.

And which team, you ask, am I on?  Team Edward or Team Jacob?

NEITHER.

Team Angel all the way!

B-)