Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Athlete, Athlete, Hamburger

The Olympics are in full swing, and an hour into NBC's broadcast I find that some things never change. Such as... the commercials. The commercials are terrible. There are so many to hate:

1. XFinity. "This... is this. This... is this. And this? Is awesome. XFinity: The Future... Of Awesome."


2. American Family Insurance. These commercials have been around a while, so I can't really say it's the Olympics' fault, but if I have to hear one more hipster/yuppie telling me to go chase my dream and hold onto it, I will steal someone's bicycle and then litter. LITTER, DANGIT. I also loathe that lady at the end who sings: Amerrrican Fammmily InSUUURancccccccce!" Not since Unchained Melody has it ever taken someone so long to sing three words.

3. Coca-Cola and McDonalds. They try to latch on to the whole "American Spirit" thing we've got going on during the games and sell themselves as these American icons -- which, you know, they are -- but their very presence seems to mock all that we see when the actual Olympics are on. I mean, look at those athletes. Strong, steady, muscular. Coke is good, but, no, it's not technically good for you. McDonalds... well... I guess they have some okay stuff, but unless you go there specifically for yogurt or something, McDonalds not good for you either. There's just something disturbing about a visual procession of: Athlete, Athlete, Hamburger.

4. Target/Wal-Mart/Anyone Selling School Supplies. Every summer they spam my TV with their inane ads for notebooks and pencils. Only this year Target has gone back to the "try to be cool, sound like a moron" tactic, and Wal-Mart is... well, Wal-Mart. Maybe it's because I don't have school-aged kids (or... kids), these just doesn't appeal to me. No... no, that's not it. It's because the commercials are a constant a reminder that the school year is quickly approaching and I will be going back to work. *twitch* 

And because they're all badly done.





Let's talk about the O-L-Y-M-P-I-C-S! (I promise, I'll only talk about things that have actually been broadcast on NBC on the west coast of the USA, so yeah... I'm probably sounding pretty outdated.)

How about that Missy Franklin, huh? Swam in the prelims and got a 10 minute break before she had to swim for the gold and then WON THE GOLD? The killer thing about it is that she's 17 years old and still in high school! And instead of taking money for endorsements from everyone, she has decided she would rather swim for her school's swim team. Adorrrrable.

And then there's Michael Phelps. Okay, so he didn't do that well in his first race the other day. And while he was super fast in the relay, his team didn't ace it overall. But at the prelims for the breast stroke he came in first! YAY! Okay, I realize that's not for a medal but it still made me happy. Go, Michael, go!!!

And how about the Men's Gymnastics? WOW. China was way ahead, and they had a sure gold by the end of it. But it was a nailbiter to see who would get silver and gold. You had the UK team, who hadn't medaled in a good long while, the Japan team, and the Ukraine team.

Well, towards the bitter end, one of the Japanese guys appeared to fall off the pommel horse. He did a total granny cartwheel of of it and got a deduction. The scores were SO TIGHT that this put Japan into 4th place, Ukraine into third, and UK into second. Everyone was screaming and cheering, when all of a sudden, the Japanese folks decided to submit a formal inquiry. They said that the guy who granny cartwheeled actually did a handstand, which was the thing he was supposed to do, and even though he had a somewhat awkward landing, land he did -- he did not fall.

In the end, the judges watched the tapes repeatedly and agreed that I guess the dude KINDA stood in hand-stand fashion? Sorta? And landed, not fell? Okay. They credited him for landing. And the scores were SO CLOSE that it actually made a big difference: Japan took silver, UK took gold, adorable Ukraine guys' hearts sank to their toes. Sigh. I just wanted to hug them all.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Thoughts on The Dark Knight Rises (Spoilers)

-Christian Bale: still hot, hot, hot.

-Did Alfred get a new accent? He reminds me of the Geico Gecko now.

-Anne Hathaway did better than I expected. Not a perfect performance, but good.

-What the bleep was up with Bane? He was ridiculous all around.

-Joseph Gordon-Angels-In-The-Outfield can be pretty badass when he tries.

-I think the mayor died?? Maybe?? Yay, because I really hated that guy.

-Loved the tie-ins to the previous two films. Especially Batman Begins because that one's still my favorite.

-LOL @ The Scarecrow as a judge. "Death, or exile?" "Death." "Very well. Death by exile!"

-That was so crazy how the bad guys got into Wayne enterprises' secret rooms and took all Batman's stuff. Noooo! Jerks!

-When all the cops were finally released from underground sewers or wherever, they all looked relatively good. No hobo beards or mangy hair. What gives? I guess they were sent razors and mirrors along with food and water?

-I liked how they dealt with the Harvey Dent cover-up by Gordon and Batman at the end of The Dark Knight. How perhaps it wasn't such a good plan after all.

-Yay to Gordon learning Batman's secret at the 11.999th hour!

-Who in their right mind still lives in Gotham City? Every few years there's a major threat of the whole thing being taken over or blown to smithereens and yet people keep living there. DUDES. MOVE TO IOWA.

-Batman's flying vehicle, when flying, looked terrible. Most half-assed special effects I've seen in a big-budget film since the 90's. (Not that I go to a lot of big-budget special-effects films but this is still my opinion.)

-Did Batman die? I think he did because hello, major explosion. Of course, Alfred "saw" Bruce at a restaurant later, but let it be known that Alfred is a crazy gecko-sounding thing and he was simply not very awesome in this installment. Thus, he was hallucinating. OBVIOUSLY.

-Overall, not as dark as The Dark Knight, not as good overall as Batman Begins. A worthy third installment, though it could have been better in multiple areas.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Molly = So Done

And so it ends.

As promised, they let me keep the mask. I was going to photograph it and show it to you, but I think I'll save that for Halloween. I think that's for the best.

 To celebrate my grand achievement (not only finishing treatment #35, but also not going postal and taking out any small villages), my aunt sent me a bouquet!

Then today I treated myself to a box of donuts. (We've driven by this donut shop at least 25 times in the past 2 months and it has made me crazy.)

 And thennnn the nice UPS guy brought my shiny new purple vacuum!

 I feel pretty darn good right now.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Analyzing The Baby-Sitters Club Members' Family Portraits

At the height of my Baby-Sitters Club devotion, circa 1991, I had a BSC calendar, and on one of the pages it had portraits/drawings of all the girls' families. 

And they used to drive me nuts

It was the first time I had ever seen illustrated depictions of the famous Stoneybrook families, and boy did I nitpick the heck out of them. I still do.

Let's take a look at them, shall we?

Stacey McGill

This one's pretty good overall. Stacey looks more or less how she's described in the books, with cool clothes (well, sweaters and miniskirts were pretty cool then) and wavy blonde hair. Her parents were divorced by this time, and as you can see, they are not standing close to one another. This is probably for the best. I am distracted by Mr. McGill's wrinkled jacket sleeve and how he's touching Stacey's shoulder with two fingers. It's like he's afraid of catching something from her. She's got Diabetes, dude, not the plague!

Claudia Kishi

Next we have Claudia with her mother, father, and sister, Janine. Mimi, her grandmother, has died in the books, yes, but we can't leave her out! So we'll include her portrait on the wall behind the rest of the Kishis! Wow! It's like she's not really dead, but merely peeking through a little window! "Hi, everyone! Mimi here! Remember lil ol me? This isn't creepy at all!"

Jessi Ramsey

 That's our Jessi, smack center. I know, I know, she looks like a 15-year-old boy rather than an 11-year-old girl, but what are you gonna do? Other than that, I always liked this portrait. Becca, the younger sister, looks cool. Squirt, the baby, looks properly cute. Aunt Cecelia looks evil, but... she was. The mom kind of looks like a sitcom mom and the dad is kind of attractive. Overall, pretty good.

Dawn Schafer & Mary Anne Spier

We get to double up for this one, because at this point in time, Dawn and Mary Anne had become stepsisters! In the front we have Dawn and Mary Anne, dressed in surprisingly cool outfits for the time period. Mary Anne's got her kitten, Tigger, there. Behind them you can see Mary Anne's dad and Dawn's mom, lookin' all nice together. And even though Jeff didn't live with them -- in fact, he lived 3,000 miles away -- they let him be in the picture. That's nice. Frankly, though, I'm surprised they didn't also include Dawn's dad off to one side, touching her with two fingers. Or how about a portrait of Mary Anne's deceased mother hanging just over her shoulder? Missed opportunities abound.

Kristy Thomas

And it's time for the humongo-families! Here's the Thomas-Brewer clan. You've got Kristy in the center, holding Emily, who's 2 1/2. Karen, 7, is the blonde with the glasses and her miniscule brother Andrew, 4, is below her. Kristy's hot older brothers are to her right, and to her left, the dog Shannon and her brother David Michael, also 7. Then there's Watson and Mom, and way over there to the side you've got grandma Nannie, who looks way too proud of herself. Like, "Yeah. I'm Nannie. I get to live here, too. Whatcha gonna do?" If you squint you can also see Boo-Boo the cat beside Karen. One regret: I'd have paid good money for the artist to draw in Morbidda Destiny peeking over the hedge. Alas.

Mallory Pike

 And finally, the Pikes. I saved this one for last because the picture bothers me so much. It always has. Can you guess which one's supposed to be Mallory? She's the one next to the strangely attractive father; her legs are sticking off to the side. Don't confuse her with the girl sitting below her, who is supposed to be 9-year-old Vanessa. Beside Vanessa is one of her 10-year-old triplet brothers. So you may be asking: why, pray tell, is Vanessa so huge? And why are her triplet brothers comparatively tiny? Wellll... maybe it's because, like many multiples, the triplets were born smaller than average and have always been small. Or maybe Vanessa's already starting to hit puberty aaaand the triplets are stunted. Or maybe Vanessa's sitting on a phone book, I DON'T KNOW! THE POINT IS THAT SHE IS HUGE AND HER OLDER BROTHERS ARE SMALL AND I DON'T LIKE IT. Also, Claire (front row) has stolen Nannie's too-cool-for-this-picture expression. Child, you're five years old. Your favorite expression is "Silly billy goo goo." Stop looking like Kristy's grandma!

So there you have it. The families didn't change much from this point (1991) until the end of the series (1999). Dawn did eventually move back to California to live with her dad, but she was still technically Mary Anne's stepsister. Oh, but then her dad got remarried, so that's another portrait waiting to happen. The Pikes gained a great-uncle or something for, like, a book. Oh, but then there's Abby, the oft-neglected Eighth Babysitter, but she wasn't around in 1991, so who cares?

There's A Trope For That - Week Of July 22nd

WTG, Emily! That was very much indeed Colin Firth in the last post! 
Here is a more recent photo:

And guess what?? This week's trope is... Colin Firth! Did you know Colin has his own tropes page? Really, he does! Go check it out!

Speaking of you-know-who, a few weeks ago I rented Girl With A Pearl Earring to watch with my mother. She asked what it was about beforehand and I told her who was in it and she agreed to give it a chance. We put it in the DVD player and Colin's name goes by, as does Scarlett Johansson's and the rest. The characters begin to appear on screen, and after a little while, there's Colin in one scene. Then another and another. Roughly half an hour goes by and my mom goes: "Wait -- is that Colin Firth?"

I can vouch for the fact that he does not wear a disguise in that movie. No funny hat or glasses. Just longer hair. My poor mother; her Firthdar is broken. 

Okay, I promise to do a slightly more legit trope next time. Until then... enjoy that picture! (I do.)

Friday, July 20, 2012


Let's play a game!

Know who this is?

This is a still from one of my favorite movies as a child. Strangely, I'm always finding copies of it at garage sales. Don't you people know what you're giving up??

Still not sure? Just Photoshop on some fantastic sideburns and fluff up the hair a bit. 

Monday, July 16, 2012

There's A Trope For That - Week Of July 15th

This week's trope is Heartwarming Orphan!

"They're the characters the audience is predisposed to root for, suffering as they do from Parental Abandonment and a tragic childhood. They're the little orphan girls and boys who come into the story and proceed to melt the hearts of cranky old people and improve the lives of everyone around them just by being their cheerful, innocent orphan selves. The girls may turn out to be little princesses, and the boys might end up as Lords.

This, of course, is their Happy Ending after a terrible childhood of drudgery most likely spent in an orphanage or on the streets, or (shudder) under the care of their dear uncle or fond stepmother. If they have foster parents, or sometimes relatives, they can Earn Your Happy Ending by melting their cold and cantankerous hearts.

Heartwarming orphans don't have to do anything to be heartwarming. It seems inherent to their orphaned state. They don't even have to appear on stage. Announce that an orphanage has been destroyed... obviously only a Complete Monster would do such a thing.

Of course, if they do certain things, they can lose the "heartwarming" part and end up with a somewhat less appealing role.

The exact opposite of the Evil Orphan. Contrast Conveniently an Orphan. If they look and act like characters from a Dickens novel, that's a Street Urchin."


You know how some people love sappy romantic comedies, and others love shoot-em-up action flicks, and still others like John Wayne or whatever?

I love stories about orphans.

But not evil orphans. Gawd, no. I love good -- though often somewhat precocious and mischievous -- orphans who work their way into the hearts and souls of those around them. I especially love it when they get adopted. D'awww.

Some of my favorite movies and stories include Anne Of Green Gables (orphan adopted by an older couple), Pollyanna (orphan taken in by her aunt; in the movie, her friend Jimmy is adopted by an older gentleman whose heart has been warmed), The Secret Garden (girl adopted by uncle/dad's old friend (depending on the version) and brings the whole family together), A Little Princess (girl loses her father, is forced into servitude, and is later adopted by her father's friend, who has been searching for her; however, some versions keep the father alive), Heidi (orphan goes to live with grandfather), Road to Avonlea (Sara is sent to live with relatives in season one but becomes an official orphan a year or two later), Peter Pan (at least in versions where the lost boys get adopted at the end), DuckTales (Scrooge McDuck takes in his three great-nephews when their original caretaker and uncle, Donald Duck, goes into the Navy), Batman (parents murdered when Bruce is young; raised by Alfred), Superman (Kal-El's parents die on Krypton; raised by the Kents), Candleshoe (teenager enters a family home under false pretenses but eventually learns to love and be loved), Maniac Magee (boy bounces around, not really feeling like he fits in anywhere, until the end) and probably quite a few more.

And speaking of heartwarming orphans, if you have not yet checked out my new blog, Anne Of Green Brick Gables, where I recreate the classic story using Lego... well, you should! New chapters coming soon.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Molly Would Like To Punch A Random Stranger But Can't Get Up The Energy So Oh Well Maybe Some Other Time

One word to describe me of late: grumpy.

Not sad, not woeful, just full of grump.

I don't like being this way, but so it is. Today was day 24 of the treatment. 6 to go. I mean, that should be cause for celebration. Almost there! Woot! So close!

Yeah, okay, but can I punch a wall now?

It's not as bad as I thought it would be at this point. My face is red, sure, but I'm certainly not a tomato. My throat hurts a bit, but I can still eat. 

But about that. My taste buds have turned on me. One of the first things to lose all its flavor was cheese. CHEESE. Pizza started tasting like lima beans. A tragedy indeed. Cookies and brownies were next. Refried beans? Nada. Candy? No longer sweet.

And yet fruit and vegetables taste the same as ever. Eggs taste the same. Yogurt is fine.

What gives, stupid taste buds?

I sometimes find myself craving something with flavor. I used to enjoy food so much... and now it's like I'm on this constant quest to find something that tastes good that I'm not sick and tired of. This endeavor requires energy I do not have.

I think that's part of the reason why I'm grumpy. Food has always been one of those "comfort" things for me, and now it is lost. Woe.

But you know what? Something cool happened yesterday. I was riding an elevator and my left ear began tingling and I decided to try to wink my left eye -- something I have not been able to do since my surgery two months ago -- and lo and behold, I was able to almost close it... independently of the other one! I've been trying and trying for weeks and never could get it to do anything, and now it's doing something! My nerves are coming back! I'm one step closer to not looking like Quasimodo!

In the mornings my throat is sore and I get a lot of bloody noses. My scar itches and my skin feels icky. I have to go to treatment every day and I'm SO BEYOND TIRED OF IT, even though the nurses are nice and everything, and the waiting room has coffee and puzzles... still, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE.

And yet I have to stop myself and say, you know, look at that woman over there, that woman who has to change into a gown every time she comes to the clinic. Look how she's lost her hair. She has to have chemo. You better just count your lucky charms you don't have to deal with that, missie may. You're dealing with small potatoes compared to that lady and others like her, so just suck it up and deal.

Deal, deal, deal.

I'm going to set the timer for five minutes and list as many things as I can that make me happy.

Starting now.

Cousins, babies, baby cousins, swimming pools, balloons, cotton candy, chair lifts, watermelon, warm sand, boats, ski-bobbing, camping, forests, trees, trails, hiking, walking, bears, tigers, tiger cubs, pandas, giraffes, elephants, nature, bubbles, Harry Potter, digging in the dirt, finding rocks, baths, blankets, books, the library, Netflix, TV, Community, MST3K, L&C, randomly hearing a long-forgotten 90's song on the radio, Rock Band, Wii, Mario Kart, Paper Mario, Zelda, Final Fantasy, music, classical music, Jeopardy, Agricola, Seven Wonders, Stan, Kerry, Kirby, Riker, Baylie, Didi, CC, Servo, Hazel, Parker, Daisy, Hershey, Jasmine, sunsets...

Time's up.

And now it's time to rest.

ETA: So on day 29? I was informed I was now going to have 35 treatments instead of thirty. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE YET ANOTHER WEEK TO GO!


So I'll be posting when it's all over, if it doesn't kill me first.

My Top 12* TV Personalities In No Particular Order

*okay, it was ten, now it's twelve, deal.

Here we go!!

1. Chris Powell from Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition (ABC)

I have concluded that Chris Powell must be the lovechild of Jonas Armstrong and my college pre-calc professor. I just adore watching this guy. He's physically fit, he's got a sweet voice, he has a great smile, and those blue eyes! Ohhh, those eyes. One tragic downfall of HD-TV, so I have noticed, is that it often makes blue-eyed people look downright demonic. But not Chris. Some might like watching the show to see the amazing weight loss transformations, but I'm all about the trainer!

*   *   *

2. Shirley Bennett, Community (NBC)

When it comes to Community, nearly every viewer I know resides in one of two camps: Team Annie or Team Britta. But I'm Team Shirley all the way. Shirley is a riot. One minute she's a sweet, wholesome mama, doing her baking and making references to the Lord. But cross her, and you'll feel her wrath. And after that, she'll forgive you and bake you a pie while you're recovering in the hospital. Love ya, Shirley.

*   *   *

3. Allen from Auction Hunters (Discovery Channel)

Nothing against Ton, Allen's auction-hunting partner, but I just think Allen is adorable. I love the way he gets in there to bid, starting off stealthily and then switching it up to a loud "yup!" or two or three. Then when he and Ton start rooting around in their newly-purchased storage rooms, finding treasures, I love watching how excited they get over their finds. Ton goes ballistic over weaponry, but Allen will do a dance over silver spoons. They both crack me up, but if I had to pick a favorite, Allen would get my vote.

*   *   *

4. Makenzie Myers from Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC)

Okay. Yes. Most of the kids on Toddlers & Tiaras are spoiled brats. Some are little spawns. And then there's Makenzie -- half exasperated teenager, half 45-year-old-desperate housewife, all little girl. Some people think she's a brat, but I think she's hilarious. Part of her diva-ish behavior can be blamed on her parents' ways of handling her, and honestly? I think Makenzie might be the smartest member of her family. She probably even knows it by now. She's clearly a very bright child, and I love watching her escapades.

*   *   *

5. The Keno Brothers from Antiques Roadshow (PBS)

I don't know why I get so happy when one of these guys shows up on Antiques Roadshow to appraise something. Maybe it's because they're so happy. Get them in a room with an antique dresser and they look like they want to do a tap dance. They pet the furniture, pull out the drawers and admire the way the wood has (or hasn't) aged, and speak about patina as if it is a beautiful goddess. They're fun to watch, and they breathe life into the sometimes-stale series.

*   *   *

6. Abed Nadir, Community (NBC)

I love Abed. How can you not love him? He's childlike, inquisitive, loyal, creative... and he may be slightly psychotic. Or is he? Abed is many things, but mostly he's endearing. Except when he's Evil Abed. (Okay, even then.) And especially when he's Batman.

*   *   *

7. Mario Lopez, Extra

Mario Lopez is one crush I'm kind of ashamed of. I don't want to love Mario. I don't want to love anyone who appeared in Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style. And yet every time I wind up flipping the channel to Extra, I can not turn away. Those eyes! Those dimples! Juuuust kill me.

*   *   * 

8. Virginia Chance, Raising Hope (Fox)

While I do think baby Hope is precious.... and Shelley, the guitar-strumming caretaker of babies, dogs, and the elderly, is a riot... my favorite character on this series is Virginia. Virginia is granddaughter to the nutty Maw Maw and grandmother to Hope. She grew up poor, but has learned to be resourceful. She may have some strange notions, but she's good at heart. Plus she's full of wisdom: 

Jimmy: "You can't smoke around the baby."
Virginia: "Jimmy, smoke rises. She's not gonna be tall enough to breathe it for a long time."

How can you argue with that?

*   *   *

9 & 10. Pat Sajak & Vanna White, Wheel Of Fortune

Pat and Vanna feel like, I don't know, relatives. Only... the kind you don't want to shoo out of your house after a week. They've been doing their job so long, they're pros. Some TV hosts make me nervous. But with those two, I never worry. Vanna is an elegant lady, quick-witted and eternally patient. Pat could probably do the show with his eyes closed. (Which... would be odd... but...) And you know how, towards the end of each show, when Pat has to do the final spin? He can SO make it land on the $5k if he wants to. He knows exactly how hard he has to spin. But will he use his powers for good? 

You just never know.

*   *   *

11 & 12. Sophia Grace and Rosie on The Ellen Show.

These two little British girls are so cute and funny. Sophia Grace is a talkative, loving, squealing thing, while Rosie is sweet and reserved. Ellen has had them as guests many times in the past year, and they're always entertaining. And Sophia Grace can perform! Check it out.

Monday, July 9, 2012

There's A Trope For That - Week Of July 8th

This week's trope: Inexplicable Treasure Chests

"Treasure chests containing items are almost ubiquitous in video games — pick almost any Action Adventure game or RPG. Often they contain only a single item.

Their existence is generally shrouded in mystery. Who is responsible for putting them there? Somebody had to have done it at some point.("The game designers" don't count.) Think about it. Treasure chests just don't materialize spontaneously—except in some games where they actually do appear out of thin air.

Furthermore, why are they almost always brightly colored, as if to stand out? Have you ever seen a bright red and gold treasure chest in real life?

And why are they invariably brand new-looking without the slightest hint of wear, even if the temple or dungeon they are located in supposedlyhasn't been visited for 10,000 years? Bonus points if they contain food or other perishables.

And perhaps most strangely, why doesn't anyone ever open them except you? This is sometimes subverted by having several of the chests in a dungeon be empty, perhaps indicating other adventurers have passed through — although there's usually no pattern to which are open and which aren't."


Why have I never found an inexplicable treasure chest?

That would be so fine.

Oh, but then I might have to explain how I got suddenly wealthy. There'd be tax issues. And everyone I know would want a piece of it. I'd be getting phone calls and emails galore from a hundred people who suddenly remembered I exist.


Kind of like the time my cousin and I were playing Mario 3 and we got the coin ship for the first time ever and were like, WHAAAA??? 

Mario enthusiasts out there know that there's a certain trick to getting the coin ship every time. But on that childhood day, when we discovered it for ourselves by pure accident, our eyes were as wide as the Goonies' when they first encounter the pirate ship.

Annnd obligatory Goonies reference: check.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Things I Think About At 10:30 In the Morning

I fear that in these modern times -- with security cameras on street corners, recording our every move and providing evidence for the courts when necessary, and with monitoring devices in elevators, in trains, and behind every convenience store counter -- Clark Kent would have a very difficult time finding a place to change into Superman without being "seen."

I suppose he could use his heat vision or freeze breath to disable (temporarily or permanently) nearby recording devices that he knew about; and sure, thanks to his x-ray vision and super speed he could probably find all the nigh devices in a matter of moments, if he had the desire to do so. But if he was headed toward a rescue, where death was on the line, would taking the time to do that really be worthwhile? Not to mention he would be tampering with and/or destroying others' property. Should Superman destroy others' property for the common good? 

"No," you might say. "Superman shouldn't destroy video cameras. He should just go about his job. So what if someone catches Clark Kent changing into Superman?"

I'll tell you what would happen. All of Clark Kent's loved ones will be in danger. Everyone at the Daily Planet will become a target. His elderly parents will be kidnapped, and Lois? Well, the woman puts herself in enough danger as it is, she doesn't need any more of it.

You see? You see the problem? This is a big problem.

Darn you, modern technology!