Saturday, December 30, 2023

Glossy Time Capsules #39: Teen Beat - February, 1994

Glossy Time Capsules #39

Teen Beat

February, 1994

Ah, Teen Beat... helping to beat the hearts of 9-to-13-year-olds from 1967 to 2007. 

According to Wikipedia, tween mags such as this one saw dwindling readership beginning in the early 90s. (For Teen Beat in particular, circulation dropped from 132,000 in December 1992 to 90,000 in December 1993.)

You can't even blame the internet for that drop!

Let's blame Joey Lawrence instead!

Kidding, of course. We love Joey. Even if he does appear in this issue about 900 times.

Hey, kids of the early 90s! Do you have the urge to have photos of your fave stars constantly in your pocket? Don't want to wait for smartphones to be invented? Wallet Pix to the rescue!

Peel your eyes away from little baby Leonardo DiCaprio for a sec, and note the guy on the top left: Mark-Paul Gosselaar. From 1987 to 1994, MPG played Zack Morris on three shows: Good Morning, Miss Bliss, Saved By The Bell, and Saved By The Bell: The College Years, not to mention a couple of TV-movies.

Though perhaps the most fondly remembered of its kind, Saved By The Bell wasn't the only Saturday-morning show about a group of mostly-hot teens back in 1994. California Dreams was in the middle of its 1992-1996 run...

You also had CityKids. It evidently only lasted 13 episodes and, according to Wikipedia, involved Muppets.

Meanwhile, in primetime, you had Beverly Hills 90210...

Jason Priestley, Luke Perry, Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty, Tori Spelling, Sharknado Guy, Brian Austin Green, Gabrielle Carteris... they were all there.

A few people were tired of 90210, though, I guess...

Elsewhere in the Letters section...

Jeremy Jordan, star of screen and stage?! Uh... nope. That Jeremy Jordan was nine years old when this mag came out. Mickey P. is, in fact, lusting after this Jeremy Jordan (actual name Don Hensen), who played Guy Perkins in Never Been Kissed.

I see you, Billy Ray Cyrus...

Glad to see the love for New Kids On The Block was still strong among its most loyal fans...

Joey Lawrence just had to get his face on a page about the then-freshman TV show The Nanny....

Another show that hit the airwaves in 1993.... ❤

And we can't forget about another 1993 newbie, Boy Meets World! (Sorry, Shiloh, but the world will ultimately forget about The Mommies.)

Now wait a second...

Will Estes is in a tween magazine?? Can it be???

I jest, of course. From The New Lassie (1989-1992) to It Had To Be You (1993) to Kirk (1995-1996) to Meego (1997) to Kelly Kelly (1998), one could argue that Will Estes was either the most prolific guy on television in the 90s... or that he was a debuting TV show's kiss of death. 

He was also in that depressing series finale of Full House. AND SPEAKING OF...

It's Steve from Full House!

Man, 1994 was a good year...

I can't see any potential problems with having tweens share their home addresses with complete strangers...

All right, c'mon, this magazine isn't going to pay for itself. Behold the ads!

I don't know what the girl in the "before" picture was dealing with, but I don't think it was just acne. I also suspect spiritual possession.

Wait, which one's Debbie?

Oh, come on, not again...

Joey, please! Take a backseat!


I wonder if Josh's college ever got him to plant a celebrity tree?

The birthdays section boasts the one and only mention of Brad Pitt in this issue, but to be fair, when this mag came out he was basically still just the guy from A River Runs Through It. And turning 30, aw.

Well, this next section is less exciting than usual, but I can't leave it out...



Well, I think the teen is now completely beat(en) out of me, so until next time...

Go plant a tree.

Monday, October 9, 2023

Glossy Time Capsules #38: House & Home - November, 1967

 Glossy Time Capsules #38

House & Home

November, 1967

Here to give us a glimpse of a far out future... it's November 1967's House & Home!

House & Home was a magazine for builders trying to build dwellings people would want to buy, as well as for people looking to buy or remodel their own homes.

Apparently this necessitated a lot of ads featuring women who seem to have wandered into otherwise empty houses and have decided to stay a while...


A half century before Rose Gold, we had Beige Blah, the perfect color for your towels, shower curtains, bath tile, or, dare I say it, ALL THREE.

Loretta knew she should at least pre-heat the oven and get something together for supper, but the lure of changing out the door inserts for the fifth time this week was too great. Thus her family was forced to eat PB&J yet again.

Wood paneling: the wall treatment you swear you'll never regret, the folly your grandkids will never let you forget.

"Don't mind me, I just wandered in off the street looking for the powder ro-- HELLO CERAMIC COUNTER TOPS!"

Hey, those aren't His and Hers tubs! That's a tub and a freaking sink! Dolores, you deserve the bigger tub! TAKE IT!

"Behold my plastic walls! My plastic smile! Yes, yes, my entire life is a lie!"

"Alice? Hello there, it's Phyllis! I've finally pulled it off! My outfit and my room decor absolutely match. It's uncanny, Alice! You simply must come for coffee and a chat. That is, IF you can even find me!"

There also seem to be a lot of ads for things I'm slightly confused about. Such as wood windows. Wouldn't those be difficult to see out of?

Hahaha, now I get it.

Okay, but here's another question: why?

I mean, I get why you'd want to keep food warm, but there are three empty stove burners, like, right there....

Okay, another question: If 98% of women wanted a hand shower...

...what did the other 2% want? 

What were the other choices? Hand shower, fogless mirror, jar full of spiders, what?


Sometimes the questions just generate themselves...

I kind of like the color scheme below, but can we zoom in a little?

You know what? Let's never speak of this again.

What is going on in this ad? What is it even for? 


So practical. So convenient. Numerous late-night neighborhood shenanigans await.

"Mom! Please, let us in! We'll be good!"

"We're so hungry, Mommy! Please, just open the door!"

Good news, the housing crisis will soon be a thing of the past!

Meanwhile, even in 1967 douchebag millionaires were douchebagging.

Rest in peace, Ross Cortese. I know you didn't live to see the internet, but these days we have these things called search engines, and your #1 search engine result is! So that's fun.

Okay, sure.

"Well, Robin, it's just you and me again. I know I'm only nine, but I'm the boss of you while Mother and Father are out, so here are some ground rules. The decorative concrete lines are roads, and..."

Yeah, in 15 years it'll be 1982... and trust me when I say your regret will be severe.

Just your average set of guys in suits on a street corner, discussing dishwashers.

Nice handle-in-the-middle Hobbit cupboards, there.

Color of the year: AVOCADO. 

Avocado held on for several years, as a matter of fact, and I fear its inevitable triumphant return circa 2028.

Hot water, cold water, speedometer, gas gauge... did I miss anything?

It's 1967, so put it everywhere. Well, maybe not the kitchen floor, as we know that's reserved for carpets.

Are you ready to embrace the NEW PRODUCTS of 1968?

Is it a refrigerator? Is it a wardrobe? What's behind door number one? Let's find ou-- AUGH! NO! CLOSE IT, QUICK!




1968 apparently brought us the delight known as foil wallcoverings. These are kind of brilliant. Especially in a bathroom -- it'll be years before you'll be able to notice you've got a mold problem!

Ah yes, and we know why they were incombustible. They won't kill you in one way, but they will in another! ☠

Well, this has been exhausting, but I can't end this without my favorite section, NEAT THINGS YOU SHOULD BUY!

Electric stairways!

Airless sprayers! (What are we spraying? Never mind!)

Combination library book drop and toaster!

Sad, flat zebras!

And with that, I'll say goodbye... for now.