Wednesday, April 28, 2021

Glossy Time Capsules #26: Entertainment Weekly - October, 1999

 Glossy Time Capsules #26

Entertainment Weekly

October 1, 1999

Price: $2.99


Ah, Entertainment Weekly. This was one of my go-to sources for entertainment news in the late 90s. At one point I was even a subscriber. I'm not sure if I was one when I procured this particular issue, or if I purchased it solely because of Buffy, but no matter. Because of Buffy I saved it, and now I have it to present to you...


I swear, not every page is Buffy-related!

You know what we should talk about? We should talk about 1999.

1999 was an interesting year. We were simultaneously humming Prince's 1999 ("party like it's...") and dreading the moment when the clocks changed from 12/31/99 to 1/1/1900. Yes, they just wouldn't flip over to 2000 like they were supposed to, we were told. The second the hour struck midnight, we'd all be forced back into corsets and petticoats, because the year 1900 IT WOULD BE. 

Okay, just kidding. Actually, all the computers were supposed to implode and destroy civilization as we knew it. This exciting phenomenon was called Y2K (why-too-KAY.)

What actually happened on New Years' was that the year 2000 came in smoothly... though later in the year George W. Bush was elected, so that kind of soured things.

Meanwhile, the internet looked... a little different back then. 

Ask.com had a butler named Jeeves....


He is no more.

And back then, before Match or eHarmony, you could attempt to find a mate via a site called SocialNet...


Fun fact: If you try going to Socialnet.com now, you 'll get redirected to ChristianMingle.com!

And before Netflix, Hulu, or Prime, we had... well, video stores...


 Reel.com and Hollywood Video... may you rest in peace.

On TV, we had Freaks and Geeks and Time Of Your Life. They both lasted a single season. One is typically more fondly remembered than the other....


Hurricane Floyd killed a bunch of people and canceled some Backstreet Boys concerts, but thank goodness it didn't destroy the set of Dawson's Creek!


This terrible, horrible idea (#5) was casually presented...


Celebrities had babies, broke up... the usual...


Harrison Ford was in a movie I don't recall existing....


It has a 15% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and no, I'm not going to go check it out.

Someone didn't like The Sixth Sense....


Blue Streak was the #1 movie of the week...


Jason Robards and Sean Connery were the men now (dog)...


David E. Kelley had a bunch of shows on the air...


But all of them got beat in the ratings by four (4!) reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond...


Ted Danson was masquerading as a doctor...


ER was the #1 hospital drama on TV, but Chicago Hope really, really tried....


Meanwhile, in books...



It's so strange to think that in 1999, there were only 3 Harry Potter books!


In music, Eve ruled the pop charts...


Brendan Fraser was (even then) beloved...


Sandra Bullock movies did well on the video rental market...


You could also rent this...


Heck yeah. I remember that movie.

Of course, we can't forget the REAL reason to buy this issue... 

BUFFY!!!


There was even an episode guide!


 Could you buy neat things from the back of magazines in 1999? 

OF COURSE YOU COULD!!


I'm not saying they were things most of us would want, but... they WERE there....



Minivans with built-in VCRs... oh, the future was here.


Beloved 1999. Such a simpler time...

May we never forget what it was like to party like it was you.




For more Glossy Time Capsules, click here!

Saturday, April 17, 2021

Unreal Estate: Zany Photos Of Houses People Are Trying To Sell

   

  It always begins the same way...

1. I binge HGTV.

2. I begin to think: "I want a house."

3. I wander over to real estate websites (Zillow, etc.)

4. I realize I can't afford any of the properties, not even the dilapidated shacks and haunted barns.

5. Resigned, I blog.

So...

Below you'll find a gallery of some of the most cringeworthy photos I've come across. All were individually collected from househunting websites and belong to their respective photographers*, wherever they may be.

*Photographers who I'm dying to ask: "Did you really think that photo would help SELL your house?"


Part 1: The Unfortunate Inclusion

Usually, when you're trying to sell something, you aim to present the best sides of said thing. Good lighting... thoughtful editing... and maybe NOT including any of the following...

"Insect problem? What insect problem?"

I admire the transparency, there, but I also would like to holler at the photographer: "PAN DOWN!"

More globetrotting turtles, fewer camera-shy humans in the hallway, please.

What a great view! The "missing" signs really set the imagination rolling!

I get it -- your property is cursed. 

In case you're wondering about the structural integrity of the property above, wonder no longer! It's indeed crumbling apart as we speak!

Maybe just pack away all the creepy owls and dolls and photos of long-lost grandchildren before you get out the ol' camera, eh?

Please.

Those handprints are super cute, but I'm concerned about your cat lifting his tail just so....

Nothing like a good window skeleton to say: "All ye who enter here will die; thanks for coming!"


Part 2: Hideous Bathrooms

Many sins are committed in bathrooms, not the least of which is the application of eye-gouging wallpaper...

Is this next one a bathroom? There's a toilet, so maybe!


In which case, this one also qualifies as a bathroom...


Nothing fancy to see here, just a sparkly golden toilet seat....


The application of wallpaper, I dare say it, might actually help THIS bathroom...


Ugh, pink tile.


Can we just not with the color pink?


NOOOO!


That's... well, not better, but at least different.



Part 3: "Inspirational" Decor

There's nothing like daily written reminders scrawled across random surfaces to prevent the people living in a house from, I dunno, being sad and dying or whatnot.


Ah, bathroom inspiration. Hope, love, faith, forgive... and don't forget to wash behind your ears.


Live life to the fullest & make a difference along the way! Is... that a banana with legs?


Life is a beach! Dream! Live! Breathe! Breathe, dammit! Don't you die on me!


Alex, I really hope you had the best 16th birthday EVER!

Annnd I also hope that you're not still in the house somewhere...




Part 4: "Creative" Storage Solutions

Look, I get it -- sometimes closets get full and you have to improvise.

Let's take a moment to admire the ingenuity of...

The Window Closet:


The "Barricaded Door" Closet...


The Ceiling Closet:


The stairway shelf for storing Gatorade:


(I just noticed the wallpaper on the floor.)

And when all else fails, just store stuff anywhere & everywhere, but distract onlookers with your cute doggo...


"Woof."


Part 5: OK, Sure.

In the end, it's your property. If you want to paint hearts on the ceiling...


Or etch swans on the shower door...


Or spill paint on your floor...


Or do this...


Or admit to the world at large that your kids gave in to the temptation to ride the ceiling fan like a carnival ride... (It's okay; we've all thought about it.)


It's fine. It's all fine.

Unless you feel bad.

In which case, I've got the perfect spot for you to sit & think....


Until next time....