Saturday, April 17, 2021

Unreal Estate: Zany Photos Of Houses People Are Trying To Sell


  It always begins the same way...

1. I binge HGTV.

2. I begin to think: "I want a house."

3. I wander over to real estate websites (Zillow, etc.)

4. I realize I can't afford any of the properties, not even the dilapidated shacks and haunted barns.

5. Resigned, I blog.


Below you'll find a gallery of some of the most cringeworthy photos I've come across. All were individually collected from househunting websites and belong to their respective photographers*, wherever they may be.

*Photographers who I'm dying to ask: "Did you really think that photo would help SELL your house?"

Part 1: The Unfortunate Inclusion

Usually, when you're trying to sell something, you aim to present the best sides of said thing. Good lighting... thoughtful editing... and maybe NOT including any of the following...

"Insect problem? What insect problem?"

I admire the transparency, there, but I also would like to holler at the photographer: "PAN DOWN!"

More globetrotting turtles, fewer camera-shy humans in the hallway, please.

What a great view! The "missing" signs really set the imagination rolling!

I get it -- your property is cursed. 

In case you're wondering about the structural integrity of the property above, wonder no longer! It's indeed crumbling apart as we speak!

Maybe just pack away all the creepy owls and dolls and photos of long-lost grandchildren before you get out the ol' camera, eh?


Those handprints are super cute, but I'm concerned about your cat lifting his tail just so....

Nothing like a good window skeleton to say: "All ye who enter here will die; thanks for coming!"

Part 2: Hideous Bathrooms

Many sins are committed in bathrooms, not the least of which is the application of eye-gouging wallpaper...

Is this next one a bathroom? There's a toilet, so maybe!

In which case, this one also qualifies as a bathroom...

Nothing fancy to see here, just a sparkly golden toilet seat....

The application of wallpaper, I dare say it, might actually help THIS bathroom...

Ugh, pink tile.

Can we just not with the color pink?


That's... well, not better, but at least different.

Part 3: "Inspirational" Decor

There's nothing like daily written reminders scrawled across random surfaces to prevent the people living in a house from, I dunno, being sad and dying or whatnot.

Ah, bathroom inspiration. Hope, love, faith, forgive... and don't forget to wash behind your ears.

Live life to the fullest & make a difference along the way! Is... that a banana with legs?

Life is a beach! Dream! Live! Breathe! Breathe, dammit! Don't you die on me!

Alex, I really hope you had the best 16th birthday EVER!

Annnd I also hope that you're not still in the house somewhere...

Part 4: "Creative" Storage Solutions

Look, I get it -- sometimes closets get full and you have to improvise.

Let's take a moment to admire the ingenuity of...

The Window Closet:

The "Barricaded Door" Closet...

The Ceiling Closet:

The stairway shelf for storing Gatorade:

(I just noticed the wallpaper on the floor.)

And when all else fails, just store stuff anywhere & everywhere, but distract onlookers with your cute doggo...


Part 5: OK, Sure.

In the end, it's your property. If you want to paint hearts on the ceiling...

Or etch swans on the shower door...

Or spill paint on your floor...

Or do this...

Or admit to the world at large that your kids gave in to the temptation to ride the ceiling fan like a carnival ride... (It's okay; we've all thought about it.)

It's fine. It's all fine.

Unless you feel bad.

In which case, I've got the perfect spot for you to sit & think....

Until next time....

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