And on to part 2 of goofy baby ads from 1980-1982...
Wow! Can I REALLY turn my baby's first pair of shoes into all those things? A useful TV lamp, smart book ends, OR a handsome ash tray, for a mere $3.99?
Handsome ash tray.
"Hey, Joe, you got an ash tray I can use?'
"Yeah, over there, between my baby's bronzed feet."
Stay classy, parents of the 80s.
If you don't want your baby to suffer, why did you stick her in a pure white Victorian-era gown, people?
This looks so comfortable, it kind of saddens me that you would never see an ad like this anymore. Baby lying on her side? NOOOO! Baby with a blanket in her crib? MURDERERS! But.... it looks sooo comfy....
The three babies at the top don't look like they're even a part of the ad. They're like the faces you find on billboards. "Have you seen me? Call 1-800-TheLost." Perhaps it's the black & white, but they look kind of sinister.
Maybe it's just me, but when I hear (see?) a name like Don Green, I think of an older gentleman, maybe 70-something. A grandpa who likes to smoke his pipe and play Rummy with the guys. And then we have this baby and all I can think of is that Harry Potter book where the death eater falls into the case of Time Turner sand and keeps morphing into a baby and then growing up and then going back to baby-hood and it's horrible and twisted and for some reason didn't make it into the movie, but whatever; why the heck is an old guy wearing Huggies?
"I don't know much about babies, but nevermind that, give me a couple to hold! What do you MEAN you had to ask your parents who I was? I'm a celebrity! I mean, I was! But I... well.... oh, just buy Borax!"
I'm not sure I'm down (get it?) with leaving a bottle of fabric softener in the baby's crib, but... okay?
ORANGE-FLAVORED CHEWABLE ASPIRIN!! YUMMY!!
I know we used these wipes when I was little, and yeah, I'm still here, but I find it strange that they could sell the product by claiming it contains some secret ingredient known as CSP, not explain what that even is, and expect that parents will snatch it up. Did red flags not exist back then? Did parents just think, "Ooh! An acronym! Fancy! Must buy!"?
Man, now I'm curious. A Google search of CSP brings back "Chest Striped Polo," "Compulsive Skin Picking," and "Combat Simulator Project." Not helpful. The closest thing I could find was Compounded Sterile Product, but even that isn't a cleaning agent, just "a thing that's sterile."
Quick, somebody call History's Mysteries and make them figure out what the hell.
Remember how in fifth grade you'd write a report for school and it would say something like "Abraham Lincoln helped our country in many ways" and then you'd expand on that by saying: "He helped free the slaves, and he helped abolish slavery, oh and also he helped Black People a lot and stuff" and expect to get an A?
This ad kind of does that, too.
"And there are so many ways to love a baby with Johnson's baby powder," says the ad. It then goes on to list a mere three ways, and yet they're essentially all the same: you put the powder on the baby.
It's just baby powder, y'all.... stop making it sound like it's going to suddenly jump up and start doing tricks.
It's the baby farm!
"I love you, Baby. But I really love these towels and my box of Bounce, too! HOW DO I CHOOSE??? Wait... I don't have to choose! I have two arms! There is enough love to go around!!"
So remember that time you pushed out a baby? And you know how now, you can't seem to push out anything? See what we did there? Haha, buy our milk.
Baby, too, huh? Sucks to be your family!
Because landfills are limitless!
"It won't accidentally fold while your baby is inside." Holy crap, the horrors of the past! I'm glad I didn't have to raise kids back when. Sheesh, what with worrying about Polio, Rickets and Consumption, you also had to worry about playpens swallowing up toddlers. Scary times.
Says the ad: "The Infantoy Happy Clam plays Peek-a-Boo, a game that teaches baby that objects still exist, even when out of sight."
I'm so glad they explained this for us. Because you know, some people don't see the value in Peek-a-Boo. People like Father.
Baby: Ga ga!
Baby: Ga ga!
Father: Stop that nonsense at once! Peek-a-Boo is a silly, silly game! Why, Junior should be learning the French Horn and studying Shakespeare, not playing absurd games with no educational value!
Mother: But dear, according to this advertisement, Peek-a-Boo will teach our baby that objects STILL EXIST, even when OUT OF SIGHT!
Father: Still exist? Out of sight, did you say? By jove, you're RIGHT! Why, this is essential to our baby's growth and development. QUICKLY! Resume the game!
Mother: Oh, but my hands are so tired... alas.... Wait, look here! This so-called Happy Clam will teach our child about existentialism and the like!
Father: Let us purchase it immediately! Take my charge plate and GO!
*-And by actual I mean fictional. They're the same, right?
Apparently Mothercare is not only safe, stylish, and SPECIAL... but also... plural? Grammar police, please.
Thank goodness for a well-stocked medicine cabinet full of things that make baby go ni-night! I love you, medicine cabinet.
I like how the man and the woman are getting romantic in the third picture. Before this lady discovered nursing pads, her husband kept his distance. I mean, really, the lady was leaking all over the place and her boobs looked hideous and her husband couldn't even stand to look at her. But NOW-- ooh la la, more babies on the WAY!
Now available in Bam-Bam-With-A-Nipple-Hat variety!
Having trouble getting your baby to fall asleep? We have the perfect solution. In fact, it's so brilliant, we're amazed no one has thought of it before or since. We like to call it PLOWING A LOCOMOTIVE PAST YOUR BABY'S HEAD. No, really! Logic would suggest otherwise, but in fact, the noise and movement totally makes the baby close its eyes and go to sleep. WooWOO! Chugachuga! All aboard for dreamlannnnd!