Monday, January 28, 2019

Glossy Time Capsules #2: Family Circle - 1986

Glossy Time Capsules #2

Family Circle
December, 1986
Price: 95 cents


I tried to read "The Elf Who Almost Bungled Christmas," but a little piece of me died by the time I'd completed paragraph two. So sorry, no summaries here.

Here, have some Reagans instead!


Is there anything more inherently 80s than the Reagans?

Well, not counting any of these things....


Or these...


V.C.R. GAMES

from KAY-BEE.

 BEE still my heart!


Oh no, what's this?


Sacrilege. SMH.

I think there may be a JELL-O ad in every domestic magazine I possess.


Um....



Now when you say "borrow," you don't mean you're planning to give them back...?


Mmmm, Snickers.


Meanwhile, in Advice From Your Elders... I mean, Etiquette....


Risk offending your relatives? HAHAHAHA...

DO IT.



Uh huh. Say, what's that on the TV?


Interesting choice, ad company. No wonder both the kids are more interested in a frog on a string.

 Speaking of strings...


I reviewed this back in 2015 during my 30 Days Of Retro Toys feature. Such a shame this didn't catch on. Maybe the constant preaching in a squeaky voice was a turn-off for toddlers? Hear for yourself in this youtube video, and welcome to nightmare land.



And now, I present: Words never again seen in print after 1986...



Ah, Christmas, 1986....


Popples! Sweet Secrets! Pound Puppies! Fluppies!



I was actually thinking about those puppet dogs the other day. I had one. I may even still have one. Mine was brown with blue overalls and I think he came with a cloth bone.




Meanwhile, in 80s fashion...



I'm disappointed that her shoulder pads aren't bigger, here. Love the brooch, though.


1986 cigarette ads seemed to involve a lot of people not standing upright....



On a related note....


Sadly -- and yet unsurprisingly -- receiving an "I'm A Star" button mattered to absolutely no one. :( 



Oooh lala, Kleenex! You're too posh for my sneezes.



Yes. Here's what you should know....


Your baby is a demon!! RUNNNNN!!!!



Funshine Bear looks like he's going to come down and smack the girl.

(I really just Googled "Funshine Bear He Or She?" I found this. My life is now complete.)


It just wouldn't be Family Circle without CRAFTS!



Simultaneously noise-proof and turn your nursery into a fire trap in one easy afternoon!


Time for another round of "Neat Stuff You Should Buy!" -- 1986 Edition





And finally, a reminder than even 32-odd years ago, magazines that were supposedly there to entertain and encourage women still gave credence to crap like this....


Hey, discontented men? 

This one's for you.




Sunday, January 27, 2019

Glossy Time Capsules #1: Better Homes and Gardens - 1972

Glossy Time Capsules #1

Better Homes and Gardens
May, 1972
Price: 50 cents


Ah, the 1970s. Bell-bottoms. Disco. Bold, clashing colors. Shag carpeting. Shaun Cassidy. Those giant, yellow-tinted eyeglasses that were popular for some reason. 

Not to mention pure, unbridled optimism....


47 years after that ad...

Yeah, still no. :(



Yay for yarn hair accoutrements though! 



While Tammy and Patricia were busing feeding each other JELL-O, Miss Mouse saw an opportunity and said, "Hey, what the heck?"



...John Denver?




Girls born before 1955 didn't have any thoughts beyond young men. But you, girl of the 70s, have many other thoughts, such as politics, ecology, the world and the people in it, your own body, and (of course) trying to decide if your flow necessitates Regular, Super, or Junior-sized today. I don't care if you're only ten, PICK ONE.



If only.



Isn't it funny how in 1972 parents had to be reminded, nay told, to practice basic child safety?




Patio chairs, barbecue, pool, swing sets whose legs pop out of the ground, and a lushly-hued carpet of AstroTurf. Everything one needs for a perfect summer day.

Meanwhile, indoors...


When the vinyl matched the drapes... and the sofa... and the table... oh my.



Not even pots and pans were safe from the flood of tomato orange, mustard yellow, and pea green that inundated 70's homes. 



Wait, but the rest of my house is ORANGE!



AUGH!

Well, it could be worse...


Never mind. I think the orange one was worse.




Mmmmm, creepy....



I remember these L'eggs kiosks! My mom used to buy their pantyhose and then hide the eggs for us at Easter time.



Lucite: solely responsible for convincing people it was perfectly okay to follow their whims and paint gigantic BANANAS on their walls.


Banana murals: Adding value to America homes since never.



D'aw.


Here comes one of my favorite sections from vintage BH&G mags... the "Neat Stuff You Should Buy" pages.








And the "humor" section....


Land sakes, Katie Joel!




Hey, what about the milkman, the paperboy, and evening TV?



I've been to various parts of Canada, and I can only assume that either this is some kind of festival I've never heard of, or that Canada has REALLY come a long way since 1972.



And then everyone died, the end.