Thursday, October 31, 2019

Glossy Time Capsules #13: Woman's Day - 1987

Glossy Time Capsules #13

Woman's Day
September, 1987 
Price: 99 Cents

I don't know why, but to me, 1987 always feels like the pinnacle year of the 1980s. It's as if 1980 through 1986 were all spent just climbing up to 1987, preparing us for its glory... and as soon as the ball dropped on New Years' Eve and 1988 began, people collectively came to their senses and resolved to get fewer perms.


Ah, pastel sweaters and shaggy puppies and...


Nooooo!

So, besides avoiding potential death, what else was going on in 1987, at least according to Woman's Day?

For starters, Christie Brinkley was being easy, breezy, beautiful....


Weight loss and working out were apparently a big deal in 1987. But back then, exercising required wearing some combination of legwarmers, push-down socks, sweatbands, AND/OR leotards. 




1987 was also a good year for tacky sweaters...




DJ Tanner would approve.


And, of course, perennial favorite Tupperware continued to reign supreme...


You don't get more 80s than kids on milk cartons...


Ughhhhh.

We've seen a lot of too-good-to-be-true products in these magazines... from "make thousands of dollars at home designing greeting cards" to "sell Smurf wrapping paper and put your kid through college on the proceeds!" But this bear might be the worst one yet.


"Our new 1987 models talk just like real people!" "Their electronic speech-system is built-in!" "You can even make TALKING TEDDY speak French!"

They make it sound like this bear has artificial intelligence. Dude, I had a Furby 11 years after this, and even IT couldn't do what they claim this bear can do. At no point do they make it totally clear how the bear works or what it really does. My guess is that someone could record a short message into the bear and then somehow play it back. I had a Casio keyboard that could do the same trick.

Meanwhile, "And I can say anything you can!" Oh, I don't see a potential for trouble here AT ALL.

Speak French indeed.

At least THIS invention did what it claimed to do... usually...


And just in case you had ever wondered what would happen if a California Raisin mated with a microwave...


Meanwhile, in deliciously processed foodstuffs...







Choosy moms apparently don't choose proper grammar.

So Woman's Day usually has a few "helpful" articles and features within. In this issue, there's one about covering school walls with hideous murals...


Another about a housewife who should really be adding laxatives to the pies she bakes for her family of ingrates...


An article from Lois Duncan about censorship...


A Q&A about child-having/-rearing...


A thoughtful piece about hiring a baby-sitter (and apparently a doer of "tasks." Screw that.)


And a very timely article about coping with excessive amounts of screentime...


And, of course, THIS article...


Most of these are big fat "duh"s, but....


Earrings?


Is this why, in 1987, virtually no kids wore bike helmets? Was it because adults were fixated on our pelvic health, cranial regions be darned?


Well, that's just great. How did we ever survive this decade?

Advertising execs apparently thought children had no shame...



These poor children.


These poor children.


THESE POOR CHILDREN.


But at least we had radical toys...









Adults could have fun, too!



Congratulations, now-thirtysomething Michael Bascones! You were an absolutely, totally, one hundred percent planned pregnancy! How's life treating you these days?


I want to believe that, in 2019, this lady has finally let herself go gray, but I have my doubts.

Ah, fashion...



You know I wouldn't end this without showing you NEAT STUFF YOU SHOULD BUY!






For when all your loved ones eventually go missing, because this is the 80s and it's probably inevitable...



That's it for this issue! Mr. Beany Bob and I both bid you a good day!


Do it!