Silent Or Boisterous

I often dream in metaphor. If I have the same type of dream over and over, and give mind (when awake) to what's going on in my life when I have those dreams, I can usually start to figure out what the dreams are really about.

If I dream that I'm finding a bunch of open and unlocked doors in my house, or finding that things are missing or stolen, it's probably because I'm feeling vulnerable or anxious about something.

If I dream that I've gone outside to find that my pet chickens have multiplied into a huge flock that includes not only hens but a couple of guinea pigs who I've forgotten to feed for a week, it's probably because my subconscious is worried about real-life responsibilities or its concerned that I've been neglecting something important.

If I dream that I'm in a big building with lots of corridors and secret passageways and stairways, it might be because I'm actually in a highly creative mode and working out the nuances of a story arc in something I'm writing. Complicated story arcs somehow translate into dreams about secret passageways, go figure.

If I dream that I'm suddenly in high school or college again, and trying to figure out which class to get to next, or trying to find that class, or worrying that I'm failing a class, it might be because, well... um... OKAY, WHY DO I HAVE THOSE?

There are actually numerous possible reasons, but the fact is, I've had three of those dreams in the last week, and I'm kind of annoyed about it. Two were definitely set in college, where I was moving into and out of dorm rooms and having delicious meals at the food court. Last night, I was taking a math class that involved manipulating large amounts of clay. Yes, clay. But when we students weren't handling the clay, we were being asked to solve calculus problems. I had no idea how to do anything the teacher was asking, and was deciding I definitely needed to drop that class before I earned a big fat F. Also, I was feeling a little silly being there in the first place, having already gone through the whole college thing some years before.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to go back to college, though. I like learning. But I do not like homework, reading assignments, or writing papers. I don't even know why I don't like writing papers. Maybe it's because I don't like the idea of learning something and then having to repeat everything I've just learned back to the teacher. It feels so tedious. Just teach me and let me enjoy the knowledge.

I've actually taken about a dozen adult education courses since graduating from college. They've been great. But somehow... they don't really give me the "college" feel that my dreams seem to be asking for. But what kind of classes do I want to take? What would satisfying my apparent cravings for tastes of higher education?

Let's face it; the class I really want to take would be called something like: "Art Appreciation & Traveling & Food-Eating & Horseback Riding By Moonlight." 

I wouldn't even mind the homework.

Baggage

Maybe I was too just exhausted last week when I wrote this entry... because while I talked about what "packing up my work stuff and leaving" WASN'T like (hint: this), I didn't really go into what it WAS like.

So let me rectify that. 

It was like this:

The stuff of nightmares.

No, literally. I mean, I regularly have nightmares about packing.

My "packing" dreams started around 2006. They go like this:

*I'm somewhere other than home (on a train, in my college dorm, at a friend's house, in a hotel.)

*I realize I need to pack my stuff and clear out.

*I begin to put things in boxes and bags. As I go, I keep remembering more stuff that I need to pack, and more things "appear."

*"Important" mementos fill my brain. I must pack my baby blanket! My childhood toys! My dumb keepsakes!

*I'm scrambling to find bags and boxes to put all these things in.

*I'm wondering if all these things will fit in my car or whether I might have to reassess my packing in the near future.

0_0

Now, as someone who's been having these dreams for roughly 10 years, you can be assured that I've analyzed them for all they're worth, just like I've analyzed the animal dreams, the wacky architecture dreams, and the "Pseudo-Disneyland" dreams (more on those another time, perhaps.) 

After much analysis, I've come up with the following:

*I have too much crap.

*I am too attached to that crap.

*I need to let go.

A bit o' family history: my father's family moved around a lot and didn't keep much; my mother's family is another story. My grandma was a child of the Great Depression, and they kept everything that might be remotely useful. Not that this is altogether bad; after all, keeping things that you might need rather than throwing them away and re-buying the same thing at a later time, from an environmental perspective, makes sense. That is, until it comes to the point that you have so much stuff... it's going to collapse on you and smother you for all you're worth.

I've inherited these family traits.

Plenty of us have seen the Hoarders TV show or at least seen pictures of what extreme hoarding looks like. We say, "well, at least we're not that bad." We pat ourselves on the back for not having 50 cats or an old mattress collection or boxes piled so high that our house becomes a maze that only we know how to navigate. Go us, because at least we're not that bad!

But that's like a 400-pound person saying: "I'm not overweight, because at least I don't weigh as much as that 600-pound guy on TV. Now he's overweight." 

Sometimes we convince ourselves we don't have a problem, because someone else has a bigger problem, so they're the only one that has the problem, really. 

Okay, so I knew what my problem was... now what? Would getting rid of a lot of my possessions make those awful dreams go away?

I was presented with what I felt was a great opportunity to find out, last summer... a chance to move from my bedroom to a smaller bedroom so that my old bedroom could become a guest room. To this day, I'm really glad I made the transition. In the process, I got rid of a lot of things. Good Will, recycling, garbage, eBay. In fact, I made so much on eBay that I was able pay for two Lego conventions (and then some) just using the money from that Paypal account. 

Sure, moving in the summer was a moronic decision, because I don't have A.C. and the whole process was physically miserable.

Miserable, but worth it.

So after I moved rooms and got rid of stuff, I thought my problems were over. I'd purged a lot of things I didn't need or want or anymore. Baggage = less. Huzzah and a half.

And I think it actually did help, for a while, because the packing dreams did seem to subside after that. I didn't have the angst of having too much stuff, so that angst couldn't pervade my dreams anymore.

Sleep well? I think I shall!

But then Last Week happened. It was like the perfect storm; three things that ought never to happen at once... happened at once.

1. It was the end of the school year. I always take some stuff home at the end of any year, like my extra boots, water bottle, stuff like that.

THAT I could handle.

2. I was leaving my job entirely, which had never happened. So I was also packing up my fan, my vacuum, my beanbag chair, posters, signs, notes from children, and anything else that could be remotely considered mine. (And no, I didn't steal a stapler. And not just because someone infinitely borrowed my lone stapler some months before.) In addition, I had to sort through, back up, and/or delete the files from my computers. Oh, and make things ready and accessible for the next person.

A more difficult task... but still possible.

3. Everyone in the building was moving out completely, because our school's floors and pipes are being redone. This meant that every last crumb of equipment had to either be put in a box OR labeled with a fancy sticker OR put into a special plastic bag.

If #2 hadn't happened, I could have probably gotten away with putting everything school-related into boxes and letting the moving company (folks who were hired to remove all boxes from the building before the remodeling happened, and return them to the correct place afterwards... well, in theory.) deal with it. But because I was vacating my position, and I knew someone else would be coming along to fill it, I felt strongly that everything had to be organized and ready for the next person. I didn't want this person to open up a box in September and find tangled-up cords and broken headphones. I wanted them to just be able to smoothly transition into the job and think, "Wow, my predecessor was SO ORGANIZED. She even PACKED in an organized way!"

Well, I tried my best to be organized. But then something else got in the way: THE DEADLINE.

In my packing dreams/nightmares, there's typically a sense of urgency because of an approaching deadline. I don't just need to pack, I need to pack before it's too late. The deadline never actually comes in the dreams, though. I mean, I don't know that my brain has ever gone that far. I'm usually just still packing when I wake up.

But in real life? There was a deadline, and its name was June 12th. June 11th was the very last day we could be in the building. June 12th, the movers were coming in and taking everything away. Construction/remodeling would begin soon after. If I left something behind or forgot to do something? Too bad, so sad.

Even though my last day of work/pay was June 9th, I was there all day June 10th and June 11th, packing -- and panicking.

Organization? Another dream. As June 12th approached, I just started throwing stuff into boxes.

So the person who takes over my job, come Fall, will have some surprises waiting for him or her....

Like, a few boxes that are totally organized and labeled with useful items.

And a few boxes that contain a really odd assortment of plastic things that I wasn't sure if they'd want, so, um... HERE!

And like I said in my last post, by the time I left on June 11th, I had inhaled enough dirt and dust to make me physically sick.

So I was sick, plus:

1. Semi-emotional from saying goodbye to the kids.

2. Semi-emotional from saying goodbye to my job.

3. Semi-emotional from the physical labor and the dusty chaos and regret over things not being ideal and the strange feeling that I was in Inception all of a sudden.

But then, as the days passed and my summer vacation commenced, I began to relax, to unwind, to feel good again.

:-D

And then, last night, I had another packing dream.

'Til Eternity

After my favorite television show was canceled in 1997, I started to have a recurring dream where this beloved show had returned to the airwaves, with new, secret episodes.

This dream was always half happy (YAY NEW EPISODES) and half terrible... the terrible part occurring when, for whatever reason in this dream, I just could not record the show on our precious VCR, either because I had no blank tapes available or the VCR wouldn't work. 

Why was this scenario so awful? Why, because, back then, if you neglected to record an episode of your favorite TV show, there was a chance (or so you thought) that you may never see it again.

Nowadays, if you miss a show, or only catch part of it, it's not the end of the world (unless you're a die-hard fan, of course.) Many shows are available online the day after they air. If the show's own network's website doesn't carry it, you can usually find a copy on Youtube. There's also Hulu, iTunes, and other video services. And, of course, if the show isn't a total bomb, the DVDs will appear within a year, and within three or four years of its premiere it'll go into syndication, meaning not only will you probably see that episode again... you are likely to see it a dozen more times.

Today, I have a full collection of DVDs of my favorite TV show, as well as digital copies of select episodes for my Kindle, plus... and this is silly, but... I still have all the tapes. Because I need assurance that I will always be able to watch my show! 

In 1997, the idea of having an official boxed set of my favorite shows available for anytime watching was... well... something out of a dream. I knew that really big, important shows, like I Love Lucy and Star Trek might have the means to release episodes on tape (or, ooh, DVD) but the shows I watched -- the ones that were #40 in the Nielsens? I was screwed.

But I was wrong.

In fact, nearly every show I once loved has now made it to DVD. The ones I haven't purchased, I've rented, one at a time, from Netflix, slowly making my way through all eight seasons (hello, Full House!)

Yet there are some holdouts, and they make me sad. Here are a few of the shows I have loved that haven't made it to DVD:

#1: Ramona (1988) - I was sure this show would get a DVD release, since it had once been released on VHS... and especially after the titular character got her own movie in 2010. But alas, the charming 80's adventures of one Miss Ramona Quimby continue to remain in limbo (quimbo?), so I have to be satisfied with my grainy old tapes of this delightful series.

#2: The rest of the DuckTales episodes. Three volumes were released in the mid 00's, but there are still a couple dozen episodes that didn't make it into those sets, and I want them.

#3: Back To The Future (the TV Series). Okay, sure, it was goofy and it seemed to focus more on Jules and Verne than on (my beloved) Marty. However, it featured the voices of several of the movies' main cast members (including Thomas F. Wilson, Mary Steenburgen, and James Tolkan), was bookended by segments with Christopher Lloyd AND Bill Nye, and it took the characters to a bunch of different time periods and locations. It was goofy, but fun!

#4: Tarzan (2003). First of all, it's been ages since I sat down and watched all the episodes, so maybe I wouldn't like it anymore, but hey -- a decade ago, I thought this show ruled. It was a modern-day telling of the Tarzan legend, with apeboy in the big city. It was dark, romantic, and captivating. And it lasted all of eight episodes. But because some of its actors -- including Leighton Meester and Sarah Wayne Callies -- went on to other, bigger things, I'd hoped that would bring some light to this show. Alas.

Do Over

#5: Do Over (2002). Thirty-something Joel Larsen gets zapped and sent back in time to the early 1980s, where he must re-experience high school, equipped with his knowledge of the future. Who doesn't love a good time-travel adventure, especially one set in the awesome 80's? Apparently the show's network, which took the show away in fewer than six months.

#6: Get Real (1999). Talk about a show that should get attention for who was in it. Just take a look at the three kids on the series: Eric Christian Olsen, Anne Hathaway, and Jesse Eisenberg. All grown up now, winning Oscars, and being cast in superhero movies (Anne was Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises and Jesse is slated to play Lex Luthor in the new Superman film. Eric's on one of those CBS procedural shows that my mom likes, but still, he's done other stuff.) And yet, this poor show has not only not made it to DVD, but many fans have never even seen the final two episodes.

#7: Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane (1999). The first season, anyway. The second season, which revamped/retooled the show, can just stay in the vault. The first season was quirky and funny and really hit a chord with the young me! I'd love to have this set of episodes.

#8: A Different World (1987), specifically, seasons 2+. Season 1 went to DVD in 2005, but come on... there are a bunch more seasons! What, just because Lisa Bonet left the show (or was kicked off, or...?) they think we don't want to find out (read: re-live) what happens to Whitley and Dwayne? WE DO, DARNIT! The show was funny, smart, and socially conscious, and I think somebody needs to get on this. I would buy them.

Chicken ala What The--?

Since early in my pet-owning days, I've had bizarre dreams about the animals I care for.  (Yes, I'm going to talk about my dreams today. You've been warned.)

FISH - I've had fish off and on since I was ten. Goldfish, Betta and Catfish, mostly.  Throughout the years, I've had this recurring nightmare (even when fish aren't a part of my family) where I have a fish in a tank or bowl or whatever, and the fishie keeps trying to jump out.  And I'm trying to physically stop it from leaping to its certain death. Either that or I'm trying to grab the fish while it's flopping around on the table and throw it back in. I'm terrified that the fish will die on my watch, and oftentimes I spend a lengthy amount of time trying to keep the fish in the bowl. Very frustrating, that one is.

DOGS - I have never owned a dog, but ever since I started dogsitting a few years ago, I've had this dream where I'm supposed to dogsit, but for whatever reason there's been a miscommunication, and I've not arrived at the house when I'm supposed to and the dog has been alone for days and I feel terrible.  That's it. Pretty simple, I guess. I hate to think how this dream is going to develop if/when I actually do have my own dog someday.  Uhhhh let's not think about that.

CATS - I don't really have cat dreams very often, which is a bit odd considering we've had at least one cat in my family since I was eight years old. Occasionally I've had dreams where a cat escapes and I can't find it. Now we have three cats. That said, ever since we got the third one, I've had this recurring nightmare in which I'm trying to corral all three of them in an emergency, and it's just physically impossible to hold them all.  I usually wake up from this one feeling pretty cranky.

I see a theme with all these dreams. Keeping the fish in the water, making sure the dog is being looked after, and trying to rescue the cats -- all of these dreams involve keeping the animal alive. Perfectly normal, right?

So somebody please explain to me what is up with my dreams about the chickens.

CHICKENS - Whenever I dream about my chickens, I dream that they have multiplied. Reproduced. Spawned. But not necessarily with more chickens. No, sometimes I'll go outside and find that my three little hens have been joined by two hens from a neighboring home... and a duck.  Like, these other birds will be sitting in the coop with the chickens, looking at me like, "Wassup?"  And I'm supposed to deal with it.  One night I dreamed that my chickens had spawned GUINEA PIGS, and I was running around trying to find cages big enough for all my new family members.

And then there was last night.

Last night's dream involved me going out to the coop to see that my three chickens...

... had been joined by a dog...

...a pelican...

... and, for good measure, a baby penguin.

Naturally, I ran for my camera and started snapping pictures of the adorableness.

Even my subconscious seems to know it is weird, because my very next dream involved me explaining THAT dream to a group people and laughing about how silly it is that I have these spawning dreams all the time.  How meta of me.

Well, that's all. Now that I've opened this (scary) window into my psyche, I hope you don't trip over your shoelaces as you run for the door.

Peace.

These Dreams

I have several recurring dreams. I will tell you about them!


1. For whatever reason, I am in my church building. In reality, this is a large building that was first built around 1900, and later additions in the early-to-mid 20th century have made it quite enormous and unique. There are numerous oft-used rooms and staircases, but there are some little-known rooms, including a bell tower (the bell is gone), a pipe organ room (the pipe organ stopped being used decades ago; in fact, it's rumored that the pipes are gone. When my grandpa was the church custodian in the early 90's, he took us on a tour, and the pipes were there then), and a few other little-known rooms and passageways. In addition to the "in" I had with my grandpa, my mom was the children's ministry leader for several years, and she had keys to all the rooms, so I got to do a great deal of exploring in my childhood. We spent a lot of time there. This could explain the dreams, though I am not sure why they only began a few years ago.

The dreams' plots vary, but the church is often the setting. I'll usually find myself in a secret tunnel, trying to make my way from one point to another. In one dream, I was running up & down staircases, popping through doors, trying to escape something. Even though the setting was the church, none of the stairs/passages I dreamed about really exist.

Or do they?

No, not really. But the dreams were so convincing, and I kept having them. Once I dreamed that the ventilation system was really a series of secret tunnels. And in reality, the wall vents are large, and one could easily go in them... but who'd want to? Maybe I just have an obsession with old architecture. Oh wait, duh, I do.

Last week, when I was actually at church (not dreaming) I found myself wandering around, studying the place, trying to see if maybe, just maybe, there was something that didn't quite add up about the architecture. Maybe there was a secret tunnel after all. Somewhere. I mean, why would I keep dreaming about this? I'm not exactly Harry Potter tapping into Voldemort's brainwaves, dreaming about the department of mysteries.

Or am I?

It occurs to me I started having these dreams not long after I started playing the Nancy Drew PC games, in which there is often a secret room or tunnel. HMMMM...


2. I am at Disneyland, only it never looks like the real Disneyland. It usually looks like something out of one of my Rollercoaster Tycoon games, but the name is Disneyland and there might be some Disney-esque element to it. Every time I dream this, I'm at the park with a different person or set of people who I know in real life. And there's always some obstacle or challenge, like maybe we show up at the park with only a half hour left before closing, but we really want to go on a particular ride. Or maybe we get separated and can't find each other. Or... I can't really remember, but there's always something odd. Half the dream is spent riding the rides, going down the waterslides, or whatever. The other half is trying to navigate the park. Usually I get lost.

I think just about everybody I know has appeared in one of these dreams. If I know you in real life, congrats, you've cameoed in one of Molly's f-ed up pseudo-Disneyland dreams!! <3


3. The third one is not really a recurring dream, but a recurring theme. I was actually discussing this with my brother when he was visiting a few weeks ago, and then afterwards I happened to stumble upon an old LJ entry where I'd had another dream just like it, and I realized I've been having these for at least a year.

So I'll be doing whatever, and then for some reason I need to get somewhere quickly or escape from someone. Suddenly I'll be able to run fast, leap high, or fly. (Flying dreams are not new to me, it's what comes next.) When this happens, my dream self will have an inner dialogue along the lines of: "Wow! I always thought I couldn't fly! But maybe that's because I'd never tried it before!" Like I've discovered that all of life's limitations are pretend, that anything is possible if you just attempt it.

My brother says that when absurd things like flying happen to him in dreams, he then knows he's dreaming, and he might wake up then.

Me? I just find a way to rationalize it and keep on sleeping.

The funny thing is, I actually rationalize a lot in real life. Like when I'm watching a movie or TV show and I spot a continuity error, if it's a movie I don't like, I'll use that against it (Psshhh, this movie has continuity errors, it sucks). But it's a movie I like, I will spend INSANE amounts of time trying to come up with some plausible explanation for why that vase was there in the last frame but isn't anymore. I can often work out some satisfactory explanation; satisfactory to me, anyway. 

Overthinking will be my downfall.