Goldilocks & The Clickbait Article

This family was only gone a few minutes! You won’t BELIEVE what they saw when they came home!

You’ve probably had moments in your life where you thought, “Something doesn’t feel quite right,” but you couldn't quite put your finger on why. 

All you knew was that something was off. Maybe one of your co-workers had been using your desk? Perhaps someone moved your flower pot half an inch? Maybe your boss put something in your coffee?

Paranoid? That’s what your friends and co-workers may have laughingly called you. But YOU knew better. You just KNEW that someone had been messing with you. 

But who? And why?

The Bear Family of Everdale, North Dakota, may know a thing or two about this phenomenon. 

The Bears had lived quiet, carefree lives... until recently... when their serene lives unraveled into CHAOS! Scroll down to read more.

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Just Your Typical, All-American Family

The Bears are your typical small, middle-class family unit. Mama and Papa Bear have one child, who they affectionately refer to as “Baby," as he is very small. The Bears live in a modest cottage, surrounded by trees, grass, bushes, flowers, ferns, rocks, and even a small stream. Their homestead is cozy in winter, comfortable in summer, and just an all-around great place to raise a child.

“We’d been lucky... so far,” says Papa Bear.

But unbeknownst to Papa, that sense of security was all about to change.

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Serene environment? That's how it seemed. Many would give their right arms to live in a woods as lovely as the Bears'. 

Yes, life for the Bears had always been peaceful and quiet. They have few nearby neighbors. No one ever bothered them… at least, no one ever USED to.

But all that was about to change.

UP NEXT: A WAKING NIGHTMARE!

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A Waking Nightmare

Isn’t it funny how, in the blink of an eye, life can change? One minute, everything is blissful and wonderful, and the next, it’s the stuff of nightmares?

What was about to happen was DEFINITELY a nightmare for the Bear family!

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The Day Everything Changed

Everything changed one morning in May, 2018.

A morning the Bears will never forget.

The morning started out normally enough – probably not unlike a morning you might experience. The family woke, climbed out of bed, washed, and went downstairs for breakfast.

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The breakfast meal was a simple one: Porridge. Porridge is made by crushing oats or other grains and boiling them in water or milk. This creates a warm cereal that can be enjoyed with embellishments such as honey, berries, or syrup. This was a typical breakfast for the Bears, as it was one meal they could all agree upon as tasting great.

Another thing the family agreed on that morning: Their porridge was way too hot.

“I take the blame for that,” says Papa. “It was my turn to make the porridge. I shouldn’t have left it on the burner so long. Mama’s much better at preparing food than I am. But I do like to help out when I can.”

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The Calm Before The Storm

All of us make mistakes sometimes. Especially those of us with aspirations in the art of cooking. Sometimes our culinary concoctions will look beautiful and taste delicious. Other times, all our dreams will fall, much like a grandmother’s carefully-made cake.

So it was with great humility (on that fateful morning) that Papa Bear suggested the family take a short turn about the woods to enjoy the morning air while waiting for their porridge to cool. The other family members agreed to this plan, and they set off together.

If only they could have predicted what would happen next!!!

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The Fateful Walk

It is so easy to be carefree when one has never had a reason not to be. And so, on this fateful morning, without a care on their minds (other than timing their walk perfectly so as not to return when the porridge was too cold), the Bears headed out on their walk.

 The sun was out, the birds were chirping... everything seemed perfect. If only the Bears could have predicted what they would return home to!

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As they walked along the path near their home, Mama Bear recalls having one of those nagging feelings. “Something just didn’t feel right,” she admits. “I thought I was just being paranoid, so I didn’t say anything. Also, I didn’t want to worry Baby. So I just pretended everything was fine.”

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The air was glorious that morning. The weather was a dream. Chipmunks chattered in trees. The nearby stream gurgled happily.

As the Bears approached their humble abode after their short walk, however, their tranquility quickly transitioned into ever-rising alarm.

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A Parents' Worst Nightmare

“The door was ajar,” Mama remembers. “And I knew that I had closed it.”

An ajar door can mean a lot of things: The wind has blown it open… the latch is 

faulty… or (even more alarming)… someone or something has entered the house!

“I remember saying, ‘That’s strange!’ as we approached the door,” says Mama. “But I tried to keep my voice cheery so as not to worry my family.”

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Mama, like many mothers, had often, in the past, taken great pains to let no harm -- or even any hint of harm -- befall her family. She felt it was her duty. But now... would harm indeed befall them?

The Bears cautiously stepped inside their house and looked around. They didn’t see or hear anything unusual, so they initially relaxed.

“Let’s eat,” said Papa, heading toward the kitchen.

As they entered the kitchen, however, the Bears saw that something was... off. Wrong. Not okay.

Papa Bear’s spoon, which had been lying on the table next to his porridge bowl, was now IN his bowl. 

“Someone’s been eating my porridge!” Papa Bear decided, as he leaned in for a closer look. There, he saw an indentation in the porridge, a sure sign that someone – or something – had taken a bite.

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Meanwhile, Mama had noticed the same ominous signs surrounding her own bowl. “Yes,” said Mama. “It appears someone has been eating my Porridge as well.”

This was nothing, however, compared to the damage done to Baby Bear’s porridge. 


Tears Of A Child

It was terrible. Awful. Horrific!!!

The porridge was completely gone!!! Nothing. Not one speck left.

“Someone DID eat my porridge!” cried Baby Bear. “And they ate it all up!”

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Now, of course Mama and Papa would have gladly shared their own porridge with their child. This was not a case of letting a poor baby go hungry. However, at that moment, it seemed that the more pressing matter was to find out who or what had entered their home. Who was it... and, more importantly, were they still in the house!?!

“Who's been here?” wondered Mama aloud as the bears moved into the living room. There, the parents saw that something was deadly wrong with their favorite chairs….

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A Living Room... Of Destruction

Now, none of us likes it when people touch our beloved belongings. The Bear family is no different. That’s why Papa Bear got an angry look on his face when he saw that his large, comfortable, green-and-white striped recliner had a small indentation in the seat.

“Someone’s been sitting in my chair!” said Papa.

Mama Bear’s medium-sized, blue-and-grey polyester-blend armchair also appeared indented. “Someone’s been sitting in my chair, too!” cried Mama.

Once again, the truest of tragedies, however, had befallen the youngest member of the family. Baby Bear’s beloved rocking chair, made from scratch by Papa from the branches of a nearby fallen oak, was in ruins on the living room floor.

“Someone’s been sitting in my chair, TOO!” wailed Baby Bear. “And they BROKE IT!”

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Now, perhaps you can sympathize with the parental Bears. Their beloved child had just witnessed the leftover remains of a dear possession. If you've ever been a parent, you know the pain of watching your child being sad over something. Mama and Papa felt the same.

“I can fix it,” Papa assured Baby. And he could. He was always good with wood and tools. He had studied carpentry at Kodiak University. It was in those years that he had begun corresponding with Mama. Their courtship lasted five years before they were married in a memorable woodland ceremony surrounded by family and friends.

“I think I hear something upstairs,” Mama said suddenly. A feeling of uncertainty and dread had begun to spread from her head to her toes. Was something upstairs? Was it a predator? A prowler? A force of darkness too horrible to even look upon?

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"I think I hear something upstairs."

We’ve all been in situations in which we’ve been faced with an unknown fear. What’s lurking behind that corner? Is there someone hiding behind the shower curtain? That’s the fear Mama Bear felt at that moment. But Mama was and is a strong woman, deep down. And she knew she could not let her fears overwhelm her. Not now. Not ever.

The Bears proceeded up the stairs. When they reached the landing at the top, their hearts dropped. There, they saw the unthinkable...

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Papa’s king-sized four-poster with its red bedspread was ill-made.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed,” declared Papa Bear.

But that wasn't all...

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Mama’s ornate canopy bed with its lace pillows was also in disarray. “Someone’s been sleeping in MY bed!” agreed Mama.

It only got worse from there.

“Someone’s been sleeping in MY BED, too!” howled Baby Bear. “AND SHE’S STILL THERE!”

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Still there? Yes, it was true. Horrorstruck -- as you probably would be, too -- the elder Bears turned to look at the small, crib-like bed belonging to Baby. To their great surprise, they saw a small creature with blond curls lying in the bed.

IN THE BED.

The bears had never seen this creature before. Questions blazed through their minds. Who was she? Was she lost? Where had she come from? And why had she seen it fit to enter their house, eat their porridge, break their furniture, and make use of their beds?

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To be fair, a small girl is not generally a threat. But her suddenly appearance was so surprising; the circumstances of her arrival so unsettling; the whole incident so befuddling, that at that moment, the Bear Family was properly terrified.

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But they were not the only ones.

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Terror For Everyone

The young girl’s eyes had suddenly opened. And when she saw the three Bears looking down at her, she shrieked, jumped out of the bed, and took off running. A minute later, the bears heard the front door slam.

The family looked at one another, astonished. What had just happened? Who was that girl? Why had she come into their house? And, more importantly, would she be back?

These questions remained on the family’s minds and lips for many weeks afterward. They recalled how vulnerable they’d felt when they’d realized their house had had an unwanted visitor. It had been awful. They knew that their priority was to make sure it never happened again.

“Papa suggested we not take any more morning walks,” recalls Mama. “But that seemed a bit much. We live for those walks. They calm our spirits and our minds. I told him, ‘We can still take walks. Let’s just start remembering to lock our doors.’”

They could do that... but would it be enough?

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In the months since the incident, the Bears have not seen the young girl who made herself at home in their house. “It’s almost like it was a dream,” says Baby. “But Mama and Papa saw her, too. And my bed still kinda smells like her. So I KNOW it really happened.”

The stress of the incident, Mama fears, may weigh on Baby Bear for a long time to come. “We’ve been taking him to a therapist once a week,” she says. “He has a long way to go, but we’ll get there. I know we’ll get there. We must.”

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One thing that CAN be fixed? Baby Bear’s rocking chair. The very day after the “incident,” Papa gathered the pieces of his beloved child’s chair, took them to his woodshop, and put the chair back together.

“I made some improvements to it,” he says. “It’s stronger than ever now.”

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Strong. Like the Bear Family. Like any family who has faced adversity and come out victorious.

The Bear Family: Strong. Strong, like a rocking chair. Strong like Baby Bear’s improved rocking chair. A rocking chair bonded with wood glue, like the bonds that hold families tight all over this world. Yours. Mine. And presumably the little girl’s… wherever she is.

* * *

So... about this.

A while back, after being conned into reading my 4,111th "clickbait" article (and being sorely sorry I'd clicked in the first place), I began to wonder... are clickbait article writers... shall we say... talented? Does it take actual writing prowess to be able to come up with 3,000-word drivel that'll compel people to click "next" 67 times in order to make it to the friggin' point? Really, how difficult IS it to turn what SHOULD be a 500-word piece into something that reads like a dime store novella? 

Well, I decided to try and  find out. I began with a simple story that I'd heard so many times in childhood that I'd memorized: Goldilocks & The Three Bears. I typed out my version of the story. Then I went forth and began embellishing the heck out of it.

Result: A version of Goldilocks & The Three Bears that contains nearly four times as many words as the original.

And how was the writing process? At times, it was kind of fun. But mostly it was awful. Adding words when none were necessary went against everything that I know, everything that I've been taught, everything that is good and right and pure. (And yet, this is what we did a lot of on college essays... trying to stretch out our point in order to meet a page count quota. So in a way, it felt... familiar?)

In the end, I think this long version of The Three Bears is super ridiculous. But I hope it provided you with some amusement.

And are clickbait writers talented? Well, yes, I suppose... in a "bad talent" kind of way, like those people who win hotdog-eating contests. I mean, yay for being the fastest or whatever... here, have a plastic trophy... and good luck with all your future endeavors, I guess?

May clickbait die a slow and painful death.

-Molly

Fantastic Names (And Where To Find Them)

I know I shouldn't talk -- Ivony Shyer, ahem -- but while perusing a list of recently-published novels, I was amused by many of the main characters' names.

Examples Of "Fun" and "Unusual" Character Names (from a list on Amazon.com):

* * *

Poppy Hooper and Ember Hawkweed (The Hawkweed Prophecy, Brignull)

Petunia Beanly (Paris For Two, Stone)

Jack "The Jackdaw" Dawson (My Brilliant Idea (And How It Caused My Downfall), David)

Brock Ripley (Gutless, Deuker)

Mercer Buddie (Flip The Bird, Brunner)

Milo Noirlac (Black Dance, Huston)

Izzy Edel (The Sea Beach Line: A Novel, Nadler)

Moses Teumer (Broken Sleep, Bauman)

Catarina Pensbene (Catarina's Ring: A Novel, McGuiness)

Lady Helena Montagu-Douglas-Parr (Moonlight Over Paris: A Novel, Robson)

Matthew Grzbc (Contrary Motion: A Novel, Mozina)

Dolly Lane (A Girl From The Savoy: A Novel, Gaynor)

Ursula Hildesheim (My Own Dear Brother, Müller)

Sharon Kisses (The Animators: A Novel, Whitaker)

Cedar McLeod (Into The Fire (The Thin Veil), McIsaac)

Hubie Schuze (The Pot Thief Who Studied Georgia O'Keeffe, Orenduff)

Bocephus Haynes (Between Black and White, Bailey)

Cade Larrabee (Larrabee's Luck, Choate)

Hunter Talbot Grant III (Scandalize Me (Fifth Avenue), Crews)

Kamryn Cunningham (Sharing You: A Novel, McAdams)

Penny Plage (Forget Love: A Novel, Tom/Northrop)

Adelia Montfort (The Last Summer At Chelsea Beach, Jenoff)

Natalia De la Grip (All In (High Stakes), Ahrnstedt)

Eyelet Elsworth and Urlick Babbit (Noir (The Illumination Paradox), Garlick)

* * *

Why Do Writers Do This?

Reasons

• We want our characters (and therefore our stories) to be memorable. An unusual moniker should do the trick, right?

• Giving characters everyday names like Jennifer or John is fine, but writers (and readers) probably know someone by those names in real life. Writers don't want their friends and family to think the story is about them. Readers want to be able to escape. Neither necessarily wants to have an all-too-familiar name tainting or haunting the story. 

• The same brain muscles that allow writers to produce creative stories also prompt them to produce creative names. Sometimes they even come up with a character's name first and then write the story.

• Odd names worked for Mark Twain ("Huckleberry Finn") and other classic writers.

• No matter how wacky a character's name is, if the writer has been using it (writing with it) for a set amount of time, they may become attached to that name and be unwilling to change it. The name may have become an integral part of that character's essence and personality.

• Writers may struggle with coming up with a "perfect" name that doesn't date the character or the story (or maybe dates it slightly, but in a positive way.) If they're writing a story set in 1901, names like Henry, Sophie, Eva, and William are all great; they're period-appropriate and are still well-liked today. Herbert, Lester, Mildred, and Blanche, while still just as popular in 1901, don't hold up as well nowadays. Likewise, if they're writing a story set in 2016, giving characters names like Madison, Brayden, Jaxon, Kaylee and Harper may be fine now, but 50 years from now? Those people will be grandparent-aged ("Grandma Kaylee"?), and the book may seem dated. It's a tough line to walk. In the end, we often just say "screw it" and name our character Brittania Snowybear Jamison XI.

Movin' On Over

In 2003 I created a web site called AlligatorJuice.com, where I did a bunch of writin'... kind of like what I do here on the blog. In fact, once I began writing on this blog regularly, I all but ignored AJ. But I've kept the site online, and have paid hosting fees to do so. Now I'm tired of paying. So within the next few days, I plan to discontinue my web hosting service. I'll keep the domain name, but it will just redirect to this blog instead.

A few articles from AJ have already made their way over to this blog in the last few years. I will be importing more over the next few days. So just a heads up if you follow this blog or receive email alerts... for the next day or two, the posts you see here will be things I've plucked off AJ, and will not be "new" (though they might be new to you!) 

I'll only import the articles that I feel still hold up after all these years. So... read them if you like, but don't worry, I haven't gone on a writing spree. The next few days will be all about the "classics."

Thanks for reading!

Potter & Purported Plagiarism (...and Zombies?)

In 1999, the year J.K. Rowling sold the Harry Potter film rights to Warner Bros., Nancy Stouffer accused Rowling of copyright infringement. Stouffer's books from the 80's contained characters named Larry Potter (who had dark hair and glasses) and Lilly, and one of her books was about "Muggles," a word she claimed she invented. Therefore, J.K. Rowling had copied her, and should pay.

A decade later: "In June 2009, the estate of Adrian Jacobs, a children's author who died in 1997, sued Rowling's publishers, Bloomsbury, for £500 million, accusing her of having plagiarised "substantial parts" of his work in writing the novel Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. In a statement, Jacobs's family claimed that a scene in Goblet of Fire was substantially similar to Jacobs's book The Adventures of Willy the Wizard: Livid Land: "'Both Willy and Harry are required to work out the exact nature of the main task of the contest which they both achieve in a bathroom assisted by clues from helpers, in order to discover how to rescue human hostages imprisoned by a community of half-human, half-animal fantasy creatures." They also launched a joint suit against Rowling and her publishers. Bloomsbury countered with a statement of its own, saying that "This claim is without merit and will be defended vigorously," and that Rowling "had never heard of Adrian Jacobs nor seen, read or heard of his book Willy the Wizard until this claim was first made in 2004, almost seven years after the publication of the first Harry Potter book." The Jacobs estate, driven by his son and grandson, have published a website with details and excerpts from the book, according to the Toronto Star. In July 2010, the estate filed suit against Rowling's American publisher, Scholastic, demanding that the company burn all copies of Goblet of Fire." (from Wikipedia)

And although no legal attempts were ever made for this one, some loyal fans of the 1985 movie The Young Sherlock Holmes are convinced Rowling pilfered from that one as well. TYSH features three main characters -- two boys and a girl. One of the boys has glasses. The girl is brainy. There's some supernatural stuff. There's flying. Oh, and the film features a snooty, rich blond boy, and his name starts with a D. (And it's "Dudley," so obviously Rowling stole that name for Harry's cousin.)

Meanwhile, all I can think is, SO WHAT?

Someone makes off with (or uses) the name of your character, or the look of your character, or a word you feel you invented (forget that if you change the "g" in "Muggle" to a "d" it becomes an actual word) -- SO WHAT??

www.geocaching.com

Writing is so much more involved than naming characters or describing characters. Plus, Rowling's works are teeming with plots far, far beyond any one strand or idea these other authors claim they came up with. And as for the Adrian Jacobs claim, I have to laugh -- so the character had an epiphany in the bathroom -- yeah, obviously this is bogus, because people spend so little time in bathrooms....

Writers get their ideas from many different places, and though we may wish that every thought we'd ever had was devised in our happy little brains, the truth is, we all grew up reading books, watching movies, listening to music, and watching TV, and that stuff sometimes sticks. Plots and ideas sometimes go up some weird little brain canal, hide out for a few decades, then re-emerge in writing. So yes, maybe Rowling watched the Sherlock movie and some of it influenced her writing a tiny bit. Just like how riding a train gave her the idea for the Hogwarts Express. (Read: the guy who invented trains should totally sue.)

And poor, poor Ms. Stouffer. Apparently her "Muggle" and "Larry Potter" copyright claims prompted a million and one Harry Potter fans to lash out against her, and let's just say her career -- such as it was -- hasn't been helped. According to Wikipedia: "In 2006 she stated on her website that she was planning to republish her books and was entertaining the possibility of another lawsuit against Warner Bros., J. K. Rowling and Scholastic Press." Well... she's nothing if not persistent....

Ideas come from everywhere, and writers and audiences should know that sometimes little things do get plucked from here and there, often without intent. But that has always happened... and will always happen. And it does not equal "plagiarism."

Furthermore, coincidences exist. Two people can come up with the same idea at roughly the same time, independent of one another. Even three people. Even eleven thousand people. Sure, some of those people will never run with their ideas, but trust: No matter what crazy ideas your brain comes up with, you probably will not have been the first to think of them. (And just because you google your idea and 0 results come back doesn't necessarily mean anything.)

Want proof that (mere) coincidences in storylines do exist? Check this out:

• There's a 1994 movie in which a girl (who happens to have long blond hair and a name with two "a"s in it), inspired by a school assignment, decides to try and find out more about her deceased mother. She travels to California. where she manages to locate several of her mother's old friends. Mom used to be an actress, and was part of an acting troupe. One of the friends leads our main character to a man named Jeffrey. It turns out Jeffrey was once married to the girl's mother. Our protagonist is shocked, and begins to wonder if Jeffrey might be her biological father. Jeffrey assures the girl that he is not; that the father who raised her -- Harry -- is the biological father.

• There's a 2012 movie in which a young woman (who happens to have long blond hair and a name with two "a"s in it) decides to make a documentary about her deceased mother. She interviews her family members, and tracks down several of her mother's old friends. The mother used to be an actress, and was in several plays. Our protagonist has heard rumors over the years about her biological father not actually being the man who's raised her, that he may actually be one of her mother's old acting buddies, most likely a guy named Geoffrey. She meets with Geoffrey, who denies being her father, and she is soon led to another man her mother knew from that same time period, Harry. It turns out Harry is the young woman's biological father.

The main characters have their looks and names in common. They both have deceased mothers. They both go searching for more information about their mothers, who were both actresses. They both think their bio-dad might be a guy named Jeff/Geoffrey, and in the end they learn their bio-dad is named Harry. 

You might think the 2012 movie ripped off the 1994 one, or that maybe both of them ripped off something older.

The 1994 film, My Girl 2, was a work of fiction.

The 2012 film, Stories We Tell, was a documentary, directed by Sarah Polley, the young woman whose life -- and whose mother's life -- it was about.

These were two independent films that have remarkable similarities, but neither can claim infringement by the other. If their releases had been reversed, it might be worth noting, but as it is, this is an example of coincidences -- even crazy ones -- existing.

In conclusion, stop freaking out about them and go enjoy those seven awesome books and eight movies.

Normal's Relative

I used to Google myself every so often. (Tell me you haven't done it.) I don't know what I was ever expecting to see or find, but it's something I'd do. Usually all the sites Google found would be my own websites (...surprise!), or posts I'd made on message boards, or messages I'd left on websites' guestbooks. 

But as the internet expanded, the pool of Molly Pattons got bigger. Apparently, there are a bunch of us. I've stumbled across the pages of a lot of girls who are younger than I am, plus a plethora of old ladies' obituaries, ladies who were christened Mary but were called Molly, then (I assume) married a Patton. So, before long, my Google searches became even more pointless. I might find one page that was mine, and everything else was other Mollys. 

However, recently I decided to Google the name of my book, because I was curious about where it might be being seen or whatever. And I came across a blog whose name is the same as my book title. But here's the fun part: the blog's owner had referenced my book in a 2012 post in which she(?), half-jokingly(??) suggests(???) I stole the title of that blog for my book title, or, at the very least, didn't do my homework and properly Google the title beforehand, to make sure it wasn't being used by, you know, someone's... blog.

And it's funny, because, actually... I did Google it! I Googled it back in 2003 when the title of the novel came to me. Then, because I liked it, it stuck, and I wasn't going to keep Googling it year after year, going "Oh gee, I hope no one else has taken it!" I had it and I liked it, so I went with it for the next seven years till I finally put it out in the world. During that time, a TV show came out called South Of Nowhere, and that kind of gave me pause, but I decided it was different enough, and so I continued with my plans.

Fun fact: titles are actually one thing you can't copyright here in the U.S. Which means someone else could write a novel and name it the same thing as mine and I couldn't do a thing about it.

I couldn't find a way to leave a comment on that person's blog, though. Not that I felt it needed a response. I didn't do anything wrong, and I have physical proof that JSON's been the title of my book since 2004, when I took my first writing workshop. In the scheme of things, I suppose it really doesn't matter. But I guess -- like Anne with an e -- I don't enjoy being falsely accused. :(

It may be interesting to note, in the future, that JSON's sequel's planned full title -- which I hesitate to divulge yet, but whose acronym is SSFS -- yields exactly zero Google results. But will that still be true in a few* years when I finally finish it?

On a related note, I was going through my journals yesterday and was recalling the saga of he-who-shall-not-be-named, this kid I had an Internet War with over the summer of '98. We both had online fan clubs for the same TV show, and he would constantly accuse me of "stealing" his ideas for newsletters. Ideas such as "trivia" and "member profiles." He was always threatening to sue. If he hadn't been IN MIDDLE SCHOOL I don't know what I would've done.

I love you, Internet.

Obligatory link to my book...

*= and by "few" I mean more like 79.8

My Top 14: Things I Loved When I Was 14

Ah, fourteen... that magical age of braces, bad hair, social ineptitude, and general awkwardness. 

Okay, yeah, maybe that wasn't everybody's experience, but I sometimes think of that year as being the beginning of a personal downward spiral, one I wouldn't emerge from until... well... I'm still not sure I've totally emerged, to be honest. It was a gross time and I don't tend to look back on fourteen (or fifteen, or sixteen) fondly.

But when I decided to challenge myself to think of fourteen things I actually enjoyed back then, I was surprised to find it wasn't a difficult task. I may have been a blundering ball of hormones, but I did have interests, some of which I still have today. (And some of which are almost too embarrassing to print!)

That said, I'm betting I've accidentally left off at least one, so I reserve the right to make an addendum.

But as it stands now, here's
My Top 14: Things I Loved When I Was 14

14. Full House Reruns

I guess I should start by explaining when I was fourteen. For those of you who don't know my age -- well, you get to do some math -- I was fourteen between September 4, 1994 and September 3, 1995. And it was in that first September that Full House began its eighth and final season. And it was bad. Like, bad. The writers had apparently used up all their ideas, continuity went out the window, and the episodes were... eh, halfway decent at best.

But that didn't mean I had to stop being a fan of the show. One of our local channels would air episodes in the late afternoon and/or early evening. I can't exactly remember when they aired that year, but I'm fairly certain there were at least two episodes a day, five days a week. That meant they could cycle through the whole series a couple of times a year. I loved it when they'd play the old, old episodes, where Michelle was a baby, Stephanie had those wild curls, and DJ wore big sweatshirts with skirts and called it good.


13. The Nickel Arcade

One place my dad would often take my brother and me was Wunderland, a local arcade where about half the games were free and the other half cost a nickel. The free games were mostly old-school ones like Frogger, Toobin', and Marble Madness. The nickel ones could earn you tickets, which could earn you prizes. There was this one game, with plastic cylinders (seen to the left) that you had to sweep into a pocket with an electric arm to score points for tickets. I developed a knack for it and was able to get some really good prizes. I think they've changed the mechanics of the machine, now, because during a recent trip to the arcade, I found it's much harder to sweep the cylinders into the pocket than it used to be. And I don't think it's because I've forgotten how. Really, I think they've made it harder. Darn carnies!

12. The Mom & Pop Video Store

A mile or two from our house there was a mom and pop video store that my parents would take me and my brother to fairly regularly. Not every weekend, but often enough. And the thing I remember most about it is browsing... for what seemed like hours. Walking to and fro among rows and rows and shelves galore of cardboard VHS boxes, their bright covers beckoning. If one caught my eye, I'd read the back. I'd figure out which actors were in what movies, and try to find other things they were in. After however long of browsing, I'd usually end up taking home something I knew I'd like... ie, something I'd rented before. But it's funny because I have this heightened familiarity with most of the movies that were released between 1992-1995 because of how often I looked at those covers. How many of them have I gone back and watched? Alas, very few. Very few indeed.

11. Bowling & The Used Book Store

I have to lump these two together because visiting them always happened together. There was -- okay, still is -- a bowling alley not too far from my house. As a young teen, I loved to bowl... I thought it was great fun. Now, not so much. (I won't even mention my average.) So my dad would take me and my brother to the bowling alley, we'd play a couple of games, and then afterward he'd take us to the used book store around the corner. This book store was amazing. There was a cat who roamed the place. The shelves were floor-to-ceiling, and they were everywhere. There were even two places in the store where you could actually wind yourself into a dead end (surrounded by books!) I would say I miss it, but since I think it's still around, I ought to just stop being lazy and drive over there sometime.

10. Writing

At fourteen, I had one of those "I want to be a writer" epiphanies that have struck, oh, five or six times throughout my life. (You'd think a person could just have one.) I was reading Highlights one day, when I discovered that they paid $100 for published stories. I COULD BE RICH! I JUST HAD TO WRITE A STORY! I became convinced that this would be the most lucrative, fun career of all time. A few months later, I actually won an essay contest and got an $100 savings bond, fueling my passion, but Highlights politely rejected the one story I sent at the time. Annnd then I pretty much kept everything else hidden for the next four years, until fanfic came along. But that's another age altogether....

9. Babysitting

There are some teenagers who never take to babysitting, and I get that. And I must admit that in my later teens I began to see babysitting as a drag that paid too little. (My mother, having earned a whopping 35 cents an hour back in the 60's for her babysitting jobs, balked at the $3 an hour I'd earn and say I was getting paid too much. IN THE 90's!) But when I first began babysitting, I loved it. I was right down on the floor playing with the kids... I had about as much energy as they did... and when it was time to go home, the parents would hand me a wad of cash... for playing. Not only that, but I was living out all the fantasies I'd saved up from years and years of reading Baby-Sitters Club books.

This is not to say I don't still enjoy babysitting once in a while -- and a lot of it depends on who I'm taking care of -- but the sheer thrill that it had as a young teen is, I'm afraid, long gone.

8. Barbies

Okay, so this is the embarrassing confession I alluded to earlier. I still played with Barbies at 14. When I was 10 my dad built me a Barbie house with six rooms and an attic. And I was still playing with them in high school. Mostly I liked making up soap-opera-esque stories for them, or posing them in chairs like a photographer might. I think playing with them helped develop my love of storytelling. So laugh if you want, but Barbies were the best, and I won't tell you how old I was when I finally boxed them up. Nope. Because I've already said enough.

7. Pocahontas

Long before Disney tried to capitalize on the popularity of their "princesses," I was interested in any Disney movie with a female, human lead.  As it had been three and a half years between Beauty and the Beast and Pocahontas, I was definitely ready for another "princess" movie. Now, I've talked about Pocahontas before in this blog. I know about all the controversies, BUT... I think the film had and has a lot to offer. But I won't go into that. I'll just talk about how much of a fanatic I was. Posters, Burger King toys, stuffed animals... anything my pitiful allowance could afford. I especially adored Meeko, the raccoon.

Now, do I still feel the same way about the film? Well... not really. It's still watchable, but I haven't held on to my love for it like I have with Beauty and the Beast. This may or may not have something to do with Mel Gibson (voice of John Smith) turning to the dark side. Or maybe it has everything to do with that?

6. Step By Step

Okay, so I've talked about this show in the past on this blog, and I won't bore you with the same old stuff. I just want to say that this was the show that more or less replaced Full House in the sitcom department for me that year. Just as FH got lame, SBS got awesome. I loved Fridays. Why are Friday nights so boring now?

5. Recording Things On The VCR

At 14, I had a tiny allowance ($3 a week), didn't make all that much babysitting, and my parents were only willing to take me to movies they wanted to see. So that year I didn't get to the theater very often (The Lion King, The Santa Clause, and Pocahontas are the only movies I recall). I was also too young to rent anything from the video store down the street, which required you to have a driver's license or I.D. And to top it all off, my parents really didn't own any movies on VHS. (We had a few Disney movies and one or two Shirley Temple things.) But they had, at least, taught me how to tape stuff off the TV. So, at about 14, I started doing it myself. I would buy blank tapes for $2 apiece and fill them with all manner of TV-ish things. In my later teen years, I would become quite crazy, taping every TV show I could (not having any inkling of DVD boxed sets in the future). But when I first started, I mostly taped made-for-TV-movies. 

So if your cable ever goes out and you're just dying for a marathon of Mother, May I Sleep With An Unwed Axe Murderer's Baby?-type movies, call me. I'm sure I can provide.

4. Computer Time

Computers in 1994-95 were so... simple. Before the internet came along, you could use a PC to type stories, draw pictures, and -- if you were lucky -- play a couple of games, such as Sim City. But even with its limitations, that PC of ours provided hours of entertainment. We had a card-making program that I enjoyed (I had no idea what the printer's ink cost, and didn't care!) and I enjoyed drawing things in, what was it, MS Paint? Something like that.

And then my brother got a program called Klik & Play. He used it to design little video games which he'd show off to his sixth-grade friends. 

Later he would adapt one of those games into an award-winning iPhone game.

Meanwhile, I used the Klik & Play to make tiny little avatars and pretty pictures!!

3. My Girl 2

It's weird to think how much I used to adore this movie. I think it was my age. The movie's about an awkward teenage girl who gets the chance to take a trip without her parents and, along the way, discover who she is. Plus she meets a cute guy. PLUS she gets to have a baby brother, which made me so jealous. Mainly because...

2. Babies

When I was 14, I was obsessed with babies. Baby clothes, baby toys, and, of course, the entities themselves. This obsession is not unheard of in humans, but for many of us it hits in our twenties or thirties, when that annoying bio-clock starts chiming. For me it happened at 14, and it wasn't that I wanted to HAVE one (gross!); rather, I wanted my parents to have another. I was sure that if I asked enough times or made compelling enough arguments, they'd be all for it. But I never got that baby sibling. Meanwhile, my babysitting clients got younger, and, for the first time, I was asked to babysit for an infant. I was even asked to babysit for this baby and his toddler brother, at our home, overnight once. It was then that I learned how much -- or rather how little -- sleep a person gets when there's a baby in the house. And while I still thought having another sibling was a nice idea, that one overnight experience convinced me that, when I really gave it some honest thought, maybe babies were nicer just to look at than to actually have for keeps. But you know, that's just me. I love other people's babies. Thank you for continuing to have them, my friends.

1. Lois & Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman

This one earns the number one spot, and for good reason: I was pretty much obsessed with it. Words can not describe how much I loved this show. I would tape and watch the episodes Sunday night, then re-watch them all throughout the week. That year, season 2 was airing, and it was EPIC. Lois and Clark fell in love and basically got together. I mean, he proposed... and then there was a summer-long cliffhanger (TORTURE!) There were some great episodes, such as That Old Gang Of Mine, Season's Greedings, Tempus Fugitive and And The Answer Is... so many more. Shoot, even just talking about it makes me want to get out the DVDs and have a marathon.

Ahhhh happy memories.


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And the inevitable addendum:

The Nanny
Wow, how did I forget this one?? (Well, the fact that it was 18 years ago COULD be a factor....) The Nanny was a must-watch show for most or all of 1994 & 1995. I also enjoyed Dave's World, the show that followed it.

Tetris
I got my own Gameboy in 1995, and with it, Tetris. I don't like to brag, but I'm prrrretty good at that game.