Glossy Time Capsules #36
The Delineator
May, 1906
Price: 15 cents
(CW: Racist depictions; sexism; body shaming.)
The Delineator was a women's magazine with a heavy focus on fashion. It began as The Metropolitan Monthly back in 1869. This issue is from May, 1906... and what a time that was! Construction hadn't even started on the Titanic. World War I was still 8 years away. The San Francisco earthquake had just happened (and was unknown to these folks when this issue likely went to print!) Theodore Roosevelt was the U.S. President. Walt Disney was 4. And Lucile Randon, currently the oldest living woman in the world (as of 11/23/22) , was 2.
Lucile Randon, From Wikipedia
I wonder if Lucile's long life can be attributed to wearing one of these as a baby...?
"The Rubens shirt is a veritable life-preserver. No child should be without it. It affords full protection to lungs and abdomen, thus preventing colds and coughs, so fatal to a great many children. Get the Rubens Shirt at once. Take no other, no matter what any unprogressive dealer may say. If he doesn't keep it write to us."
Or could Lucile's robust health be the result of owning her very own wagon as a youngster?
"It promotes good health through outdoor exercise, which lays the foundation for strong and active men and women."
Did her mother send her to school with a properly ventilated lunch container?
When she wasn't playing with her wagon or tripping over paraffine paper, I hope Lucile got to hang out on one of these:
Or maybe one of these...
Some say a daily cup of yogurt is the key to a long life. But what if the world has just overlooked the benefits Chocolate Walnut Jell-o?
Or perhaps poor Lucile only ever got this...
I hope her parents didn't take medical advice from magazines...
I hope her early life wasn't too difficult...
I hope that washer didn't explode.
And I hope the other frilly little girls were nice to her....
Ah, fashion. As much as I love seeing the costumes in Pollyanna, Anne Of Green Gables, Mary Poppins, and so on, one thing this magazine makes abundantly clear:
Edwardian fashion was painful.
From corsets...
And corset protectors...
To hats...
Ladies' hats, as you may know, required hat pins...
Also useful for engaging in combat, should the sudden need arise.
To copious amounts of lace...
But hey, boys didn't have an easy time, either...
And for anyone who ever blamed Barbie for giving girls unrealistic body expectations, I bring you THIS lady, who I can only assume keeps 99% of her internal organs hidden in her puffed sleeves.
Yes, "Your body could use some improvement" goes wayyyy back...
Blah, blah blah.... Your back should be straighter, your bust should be bigger, your waist should be smaller, and your hair should be longer...
Your teeth should be less ugly....
Also your legs are scandalous; never show them, but also wear these....
And also these...
But rejoice (ladies), for domestic life is getting a little bit easier!
Bread-making is now simpler than ever before!
Toasting that bread? Why, that'll be a snap!
Cooking a lovely meal to go with that bread? No problem! Just shove everything into this cabinet and watch what happens!
Foodborne illnesses? Never heard of 'em!
And look, a cabinet for keeping your food cold! At least until the ice melts...
Life couldn't be more relaxing...
Easily cleaned...?
Read the fine print....
First, shake out the dust, then soak them in warm suds of Ivory Soap for thirty minutes. Work them up and down in the water, squeeze them against the sides of the tub, and put them through the wringer, loosely adjusted, into another strong suds of the same temperature as the first. Stir about and soak for ten minutes, stretch soiled parts over a smooth surface, and rub with a brush, using a little of a solution of Ivory Soap cut up and dissolved in hot water. Rinse in several warm waters -- or until both blanket and water are clean -- then hang to dry in the open air. Hang the blankets so that they will dry straight. When perfectly dry, rub the surface with a soft flannel cloth and hang them near a stove or in a warm room for several hours. For each pair of blankets, allow a half cake of ivory soap.
At least buying furniture was easy! Order it from a catalog and have it delivered promptly!
And when all was said and done, you could lie back, relax, and treat yourself to...
I'm just curious how many
locked room mysteries were solved when the detective realized there was an American Vibrator lying near the victim?
Oh yum...
This magazine also featured many articles and stories, most of which I found immensely boring, though this one did capture my interest...
Because it was so unbelievably bad.
Spoiler alert: Papa's weight, casually declared above, has no bearing on the outcome of the story whatsoever. Just some casual 1906 body shaming.
So I read the first page of this story. Then I kept reading and, to my surprise, grew more invested... and by gum I actually finished the story! It was awful, but I came away with two conclusions:
1. This author is no Jane Austen, but I can't help wondering if she was a fan... because this story has a Wentworth, a Dalrymple, a handsome captain, an attempted love declaration halted by a misunderstanding AND a nearby encampment of soldiers. Hello.
2. The author must have been paid by the adverb. In the story's mere six pages, she uses: briskly, carelessly, cheerfully, comfortably, cordially, doubtfully, eagerly, earnestly, graciously, half-jokingly, heartily, hospitably, huskily, hurriedly, judicially, kindly, longingly, mournfully, peacefully, pleasantly, politely, prosaically, seriously, severely, sharply, truthfully, and unexpectedly. She also treats us to these delightful modifiers: In a tone of easy command, With enjoyment, With a preoccupied expression, With conviction, With good-natured satire, In mock surprise, In an injured tone, With a beating heart, With a sober face, In his kindest voice, and With a grave face and a twinkle in his eye.
Poetry!
Yuck.
I actually kind of like that one!^
All right, let's move on to your favorite magazine feature and mine (okay, mostly mine)... it's...
NEAT STUFF YOU SHOULD BUY!
(2022 price,
adjusted for inflation: $106.95 -- probably a good investment, though, since there's a chance that parrot is STILL ALIVE.)
(The electric hairbrush that's... not actually electric...? 2022 price: $33.11)
I personally don't disdain the express train of today, but I would like to know why no one told me "Spoon Dealer" was a possible career option.
Not "vibrant colors." Just... "colors."
Also, apparently you're getting these postcards from a Rubber Boot company, because... why not?
Well, that about wraps it up!
But wait! Before you go, please enjoy my curated collection of Snooty Edwardian Children, taken straight from the pages of this magazine....
"Greetings, Mary Lou! I conjured this hexagram-shaped creature from the depths of the sea. Now rise, and pay it homage before I summon something even more terrifying."
* * * * *
Want more? You can find this issue of
The Delineator and others from 1906
here. Be warned, there are numerous ads that contain racist depictions of people of color, not to mention sexism galore.
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