Glossy Time Capsules #19: Disney Adventures - July, 1992

Glossy Time Capsules #19

Disney Adventures

July, 1992

Price: $1.95

I would like to propose that this issue of Disney Adventures is the most 1992 thing in existence. All it's missing is a photo of Bill Clinton playing the saxophone.

Bad touch, Ursula! Bad!

And we get it. Free Villain Cards. (Although someone had already removed them from my copy. C'mon!)

Video game ads in this magazine all seemed to follow one rule: Take a word from either the property's title, or it's main focus, then make a pun out of it.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

My family never had the Hook game, but the description of it sounds amazing:

"Enemies include Hook's henchmen, as well as ghosts, zombies, and monkeys that throw bananas at the player."

Most of the other ads were pretty lame...

Can YOU name two of the nine planets? Isn't it interesting that two of the planets in our solar system start with M, which is the initial letter in the product we're selling? Okay, yes, two heavenly bodies in our solar system start with S, too, but whatever you do, don't tell the people over at Skittles! They might copy our BRILLIANT IDEA!!!

Well, that's just not very nice.

"BEAUTiful love story? See what we did there?"

The folks at Disney Adventures thought its readers must really like movies, because half the magazine, it seems, is devoted to telling us about what movies are coming out, either in theaters or on video.

Ah, yes. Back when Tom Hanks was still obscure enough to be referred to as "Tom (Big) Hanks." 

As for Ma (Like A Virgin) Donna, no additional explanation was necessary.

I read this three times, thinking it had to be a joke. Batman and Ninja Turtles cereals? Sure, okay. Addams Family? Maybe. But Robin Hood: Princes Of Thieves cereal? Oh man, it really did exist!!

Okay, let's do a quick count: Batman, Batman Returns, A League Of Their Own, Pinocchio, Honey I Blew Up The Kid, Cool As Ice, The Addams Family, Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Rocketeer, Hot Shots, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Wayne's World... 13 movies so far.

Oh, but there's more! One of the articles spent a lot of time showcasing movie villains...

 

To be fair, that guy was pretty awesome.


Movies mentioned: 101 Dalmations, Star Wars, The Wizard Of Oz, Hook.


The letters to the editor are cringingly cute...

And the eco-raps are pretty brilliant...

Word, says Karen.

Ah, the sweet innocence of 1992, when our biggest ecological concerns were "not cutting down trees" and "recycling."

Which celebrities celebrate their birthdays in July? 

Only males, apparently! Sorry, Anjelica Huston. No cake for you.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer! Ah, Luke Perry. R.I.P. Meanwhile, Jason Priestley's movie, as yet untitled, would turn out to be Calendar Girl. And I wonder what Staci Keanan's up to now?

From Wikipedia:

By 2019, Keanan became a Deputy District Attorney in the Los Angeles County District Attorney's office.

Not bad.

Heck yes, contests!

Kids of today, you'll just have to trust us that all these prizes were extremely appealing.

The magazine had a fair amount of games & activities...

And then, of course, there were articles...

We can't even get a minor science lesson in this magazine without a movie being mentioned!

Disney Adventures always had comics. In this one we get Darkwing Duck!

Did you enjoy this issue of Disney Adventures? Why, then, you should totally subscribe!

And you don't want to miss next month...

Uh, has anyone seen Rick Moranis lately?

...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

The Corona Chronicles: Chapter 1

You know me. I'm fond of writing about things after they happen. But I get the feeling this story is going to be rather lengthy. So I might as well begin.

It started with a whisper back in January. In February, it became a buzz. Something's going down in China. A virus. Don't go to China. Chinese people might be carrying something. No, shut up, don't be racist. Maybe they'll be able to contain it over there. Let's not worry about this thing yet.

Hey, did you hear? Now the news is saying it's starting to spread. It's time for some practical lessons on how to wash your hands effectively, everybody!

It's nothing. Surely it's nothing. That doctor on the news -- he says the Corona Virus is no worse than the common cold. And that expert over there -- she says the flu kills more people than the Corona Virus! So there's no need to panic.

...

It's here.

March 6: Emerald City ComicCon is cancelled.

Who's got Corona? No one knows. There are no testing kits. If you have symptoms, stay home. Or don't, and risk passing it to the elderly. Wait, what ARE the symptoms?

March 7-8: Costco parking lots bulge as people rush to buy "survival supplies." Hand sanitizer and toilet paper are hot commodities. There's talk of people hoarding.

March 9-11: Countries in Europe are closing their borders to curb the spread. Apparently Italy's got it bad.

March 11: Oregon's governor bans gatherings of more than 250 people for the next four weeks.

March 12: Businesses begin making reassuring posts and sending out emails saying how they're responding to the Corona threat. The gist of many of these is, We're carrying on as usual, but we're disinfecting stuff a lot more. The Oregon Zoo announces that all "indoor" areas of the zoo will be off-limits for the time being.

March 13: Just a few days before what would have been our Spring Break, schools close, and admins say schools will not open again until April 1st. The highschoolers in the spring play give two performances via Youtube streaming. The county libraries close. Don't bother returning your books. A con I was going to attend in May is cancelled.

March 15: Many churches offer a streaming service this morning. Some churches allow an audience, but encourage people over 60 (the most vulnerable?) to stay home. I watch the stream of my church's service and find... I could get used to this. *looks around shiftily*

March 16-18: "Social Distancing" is the buzzphrase du jour. Online, we get charts showing us how quickly the disease can spread. Here's what will happen if we carry on as normal. But here's what will happen if we physically isolate ourselves. The big issue isn't that people MIGHT get Corona -- it's likely that eventually most of us will -- what IS a problem is that it will be over a year before there's a vaccine available. A lot of people who get a bad case of it will need a ventilator at a hospital. And there aren't enough of either hospitals or ventilators to handle the potential numbers.

Everything is cancelled! Restaurants and bars: closed. Powell's books: closed. Oregon Zoo: completely closed. Malls: closed. Theaters: closed. U.S./Canada Border: closed. 

Gatherings of 250 people? Ha! Now you can only have gatherings of 50! No, wait, 10!

The school closures are extended a month. April 28th, they say.

The whispers continue. It won't be over by April 28th. It might last through the summer. It might last eighteen months. School might never re-open. (You wished for this, kids. I know you did.)

On Facebook, parents of school-aged children are doing their best to home-school. They swap ideas. Ask for suggestions. Lament.

It seems like half my friends are out of work, with no hope of returning soon. (Granted, I am friends with many fellow teachers.)

I've been trying to practice social distancing, I really have. But I had to go to Fred Meyer on Wednesday to pick up prescriptions. Fred Meyer didn't really feel any different from usual, save for the various aisles that had been stripped bare. That toilet paper aisle is never going to recover, is it? Oddly, shoppers had also gone after the chili aisle, leaving only a few cans of the super-hot variety on the shelves. Hmmm.

I wore gloves to the store. Some people wore masks. A woman in her 50s or 60s stood in the central aisle, one hand stroking her cart, her other hand pressed to her ear. She was having a phone conversation about the virus, right there in Fred Meyer, just as calm as one could be.

Which leads me to another point. My mother, who is in her 60s, does not want to Social Distance. She just can't seem to do it. She invited a friend over on Monday to do a puzzle. On Tuesday, after much urging, she agreed not to have any more friends come to the house for a while. But then she told me she wants to go help some friends get their house ready to sell. No, mother!

Quite a few of my friends with parents in that age range have reported similar frustrations. A disturbing number of sixtysomethings all seem to think nothing can touch them.  

Well, it's not just that age group. College-aged students reportedly are flocking to beaches to party for Spring Break. If alcohol kills viruses, I'm sure they'll be fine. (Sarcasm)

So. What now?

Well, I'm looking forward (ha) to the next few weeks (months?) of hanging out with my mom and hoping she (we both) remain(s) sensible and healthy for as long as possible.

It may be a long road ahead, and it's hard to plan, but here's what's on the agenda at the moment:

*Clean my LEGO workspace (hahaha, sure)

*Garden -- plant veggies, etc.

*Novel #4,283 ain't gonna write itself....

*Continue blogging. Post more vintage magazines. Maybe finally get around to posting some of my vintage scrapbooks.

*Keep doing LEGO vlogs. Maybe crack open one of my larger sets and build it.

*Read. Woe to the libraries being closed, but I really do have plenty of reading material, here.

*Sew something? I mean, I've only been collecting fabric for the past 5 years, might as well make something.

*Rewatch all those TV series I've been wanting to see again but thought I didn't have time for: The Pretender, Wonderfalls, L&C. Finally get around to watching S2 and S3 of Anne With An E?

*Clean the garage...? Hahahaha, no.

Well, until the next chapter... stay safe, all.

Glossy Time Capsules #18: Life - April, 1986

Glossy Time Capsules #18

Life

April, 1986

Price: $2.50

As I'm sure you're well aware by now, I enjoy looking through vintage magazines and making fun of the clothes, the hairstyles, the household products, and -- yes -- the hideous green bathroom carpets of yore.

But another thing I like to do is play a little game called Where Are These People Now? And thanks to the magical entity that IS the internet, I can quickly track down every last person who, 34 years ago, was gracing the pages of Life magazine, blissfully unaware that, in 2020, I'd be playing such a game.

And oh, how their lives have changed! From Princess Caroline to Joseph Kennedy II, from OJ Simpson to Helena "I Will Happily Chew All Your Scenery To Bits, And You Don't Even Have To Pay Me Extra" Bonham Carter, these folks have all gone through a lot in the past 34 years.

That's Life.

So we'll start with ads...

I'm pretty sure that kid on the left is Billy L. Sullivan, who was in a ton of commercials back then, including ads for McDonalds, Mrs. Butterworth, and Folger's.

And I'm not sure what this car ad was going for, here...

Todd: "Mark, I can't believe you showed up to our game in a dress shirt and tie!"

Mark: "Well, I can't believe YOU think short-shorts and knee socks are a good look!"

Todd: "I'm rocking the 80's, dude. Back me up here, Jeff. Doesn't Mark look ridiculous?"

Jeff: "Who cares? One of you parked their ugly car directly underneath our basketball hoop, and I find it HILARIOUS!"

Mark: "We lead critically sad lives."

Maybe it's me, but 1980's vans all seem to scream, "Give us a few years, and we'll totally be the getaway vehicle they're telling you about on the 11 o'clock news!"



THEY STILL MAKE THIS. AND IT IS DELICIOUS.





You'll notice this couple bought a second car, and the wife gets stuck with ALL the kids.



I love how the car is just running over the text. So badass.



What was with this fixation on Japan?



AUGH GIANT BABY RUN



Craig: "So, Tracie, is it true that your sister's going out with Justin?"

Roy: "I heard Justin's ex Amber used to date Trevor. What do you think of Trevor, Tracie?"

Tracie: "I think the forced smile on my face strongly suggests I would rather be literally anywhere else. Pass me another bottle."





I find it funny that no matter what decade it is, people want to both have amazing televisions... and find a way to hide them when necessary.





Montreal: apparently creepy AF.


And then we have the articles...

Sometimes these old magazines can be educational. For example, I'd never heard of the hijacking of TWA Flight 847.

This was one of the hostages, Peter Hill. After the ordeal, he let out years' worth of rage here, not only toward the perpetrators, but toward the other victims.

He chastised the other victims for such atrocities as doing what the terrorists told them to do, not being rude to the terrorists, and, oh yes, not showing extreme anger toward the terrorists.

I don't know, uh, maybe they were trying to stay alive???

See, I don't know how terrorists' minds work, but I have a feeling they're never going to be, like, "Gee, my hostages are being so disrespectful and rude to me! What's going on? Why don't they like me? Maybe I should let them go. Yes. That is what I'll do."

This guy died a few years after the ordeal.

Yikes. I just want to grab Sydney Simpson out of OJ's arms and hide her so that she doesn't have to experience the 90's.

Sigh.

What's Sydney Simpson up to now? 

And how about Jessica Namath?

Does anybody care? Well, if you do, click.

Ursula K. Le Guin got even more awesome, and then died.

Joe Kennedy II DID get elected, and the kid on the right, one of his sons, also named Joe, later got elected himself!

This article, about the need for at-work daycare centers and/or subsidized childcare for working parents, is right in line with the articles from the 80s that were trying to tell us about global warming. Was the topic important, even back then? Yes. Have we solved the problem? Nope!

Princess Caroline, seen here in the most 1986 outfit imaginable, has had a very strange life indeed. The guy she's snuggling with here died in an accident in 1990. And I just spent half an hour reading about the lines of succession in Monaco. Frankly, I think the whole system is messed up.

Speaking of royals...

But where's Queen Elizabeth II now? (Asked no one.) 

She's off being 93 somewhere in England, I suppose.

And speaking of Brits...

My preconceived notion that Helena Bonham Carter fell from the sky circa 1995 has been RUINED by this revelation that people knew who she was in 1986.

Well, I'd love to leave you with some pages of Neat Things You Should Buy, but alas, Life magazine fails in this regard! Instead, I'll leave you with a page of Neat Stuff You Could Win!

In this sweepstakes, sponsored by a cigarette company, you had to look at all the prizes and pick the one you wanted to possibly win before you sent in the form.

SO MANY CHOICES!

SO MANY UTTERLY RIDICULOUS CHOICES!

Like, how did you even decide? 

Jelly beans? Boomerangs? A ROBOT? 

But I think I know what I would've picked...

...that amazing 100-square-inch neon Todd sign! YESSSSSSS!

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