Gen Y-er On The Loose: Glossy Time Capsules #15: Family Circle

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Glossy Time Capsules #15: Family Circle - 1980 and 1982

Glossy Time Capsules #15

Family Circle

November, 1980 (Price: 59 cents)

and

May, 1982 (Price: 69 cents)

Once again we're taking a look at good ol' Family Circle. We've already explored issues from 1942, 1965, and 1986, and I have to say, this particular magazine never disappoints. It's just got so much goodness within!

Today we're checking out two issues from the early 80s...

November, 1980

and May, 1982.

And just in case there was any doubt that the first magazine is placed solidly in 1980, well, there's this...

Unpopular opinion: Sometimes I wish the lady who shot J.R. had finished the job.

Speaking of jobs...

Yeah, smile away, Darlene. Your hair may be eternally poofy, but you're still woefully unemployed, and no amount of Final Net will fix that.

There is nothing about the name of that coffee nor the orange aura around that man that suggests anything remotely "decaffeinated" in this picture, but OK.

Need to wash her? Just unzip her back and remove her voice box! Just like a real baby.

I had to check and see if that clock radio was the very same one Marty McFly owned but sadly, it is not.

Yes, kids, just think... that calculator app on your phone used to be a device unto itself. And it would've cost you between $10 and $60.

Popcorn poppers were glorious appliances indeed.

And to think, in 1980, microwave popcorn hadn't even been invented yet!

Meanwhile, in 1989:

"But Jeffrey... wouldn't you like to have a Gameboy for Christmas this year? All the other kids are asking for one."

Jeffrey: "I SHALL NEVER OUTGROW SPLIT SECOND!"

This truly was the golden era of tub toys.

DEVOUR that sandwich, Tracie!

Why, yes, I do believe this is do-it-yourself! I do, I do!

Ummm actually please don't bring your kids to your job. Literally nobody else wants that.

Totally feel free to bring your pet(s), though.

So you went from being a badass frontier woman who could single-handedly turn an entire tree into sustenance for the wood stove...

To being a woman who stands there in her high heels and square dance garb, slowly but surely giving herself Emphysema.

You have indeed come a long way.

And that way is down, baby.

Who approved that kid's orange vest? And does she always dress to match her breakfast?

No talent requirements? I'm in!

Oh wait... married? D'oh well.

Nothing says Christmas Cheer like a calendar made by the company that manufactures your cat's kitty litter.

Oh no they did NOT.

This kid: "The director of this ad told me to look 'disappointed', but I'm no fool. I know I got to hold the truly superior bricks. Joke's on them... I'm taking these home with me."

Here we have little Dudley Dursley, circa age 2. You know Petunia would've been all about those double prints.

The boy in the picture looks like he knows this whole thing is B.S.

Meanwhile, the girl wearing the pinafore looks like she is all about the bran.

This article about women portrayed in advertising is spot-on for its time... and for the next two to three decades following it, I'm sorry to say.

It's new. It's electronic. It's fun. It... was recalled in 1984.

Meanwhile, why is that baby wearing knee socks?

Moving on to 1982...

At first glance, it looks like Pa Ingalls is packing iron.

This woman looks like she's doing everything but enjoying that cigarette.

It's okay, Helen. The nicotine patch is just a few years away...

Meanwhile, in "Things That Should Have Always Been A Thing, But For Some Reason Weren't..."

Exhibit A: Lawnmower Safety

Exhibit B: Keeping Kids Away From Nuclear Test Sites

The article below, about children who lived near nuclear testing sites while growing up, and who were later becoming sick, is another horror-filled read...

I was going to say something about how dressing like "one of the boys" probably wouldn't involve short shorts and high socks, and then I remembered this was 1982, so never mind, it so totally would.

On one hand, it's refreshing to see an ad where the mom's at the barbecue and the dad's over there... uh, doing something to those flowers. On the other, it appears as though everyone in the family is laughing at Mom. Little Billy's all like, "Mom? I've been holding this plate like this for ten minutes. Is there any hope of me getting fed soon? Or ever?"

Ah, I can remember this era... going to the mall and seeing those tables full of Mickey Mouse and Snoopy phones... wishing I had one... listening to my mom assure me, "Oh, honey, our olive green rotary-dial landline-based phone will never go out of style!"

I wonder what that toilet did to get put in the time-out corner?

Annnd the horrors continue. I had never read about this plane crash, but the article itself is disturbing in and of itself. For one thing, it's like, "Yay! This lady survived! Isn't it wonderful how she chose to sit in the smoking section, and that fact helped save her?" Eeeexcept her husband and baby were sitting right next to her, and they died. But yayyy for her!

Oh for pity's sake, they made a TV-movie about this plane crash.

I mean, of course they did.

Shouldn't what? Drink it? Ha! You won't stop me, now that I've got this here COUPON!

Another horrifying fact: THAT THIS^ WAS A "FIRST" IN 1982.

Yes, Marcy, the boob-high pants and over-the-shoulder cardigan make you look extremely young. Keep up the good work.

"Well, Craig," says Mom, eyeing her greedy son with a mixture of love and loathing. "Your incorrigible hubris has led you down this dark path. I just hope you enjoy making your own damn school lunches from now on."

I remember receiving a "My First Barbie" several Barbies after my actual first Barbie. Yes, she did come with an easy-to-put-on outfit. I also remember that that particular doll usually ended up being cast as the other dolls' mom.

Why did Big Bird get to be the swing? Why not Cookie Monster or Oscar or Bert or Ernie? Maybe it's because swings sort of, um, fly... as do birds? Or maybe the swing design required a Muppet who had feet? Even so, look at those other kids on the swing set. "Why do we have to ride the stupid plain swings?" they silently ask.

Many a neighborhood fight began over that bird, I am sure.

Meanwhile, inside the house...

So about this kitchen. At first, it's like, fine. It's a bit bright and flowery, but that's not unusual for the 80s. I mean, at least it wasn't brown. But then you look closer, and..

There's a framed picture of legs on the wall.

WHY?Y?Y?Y?

Dove isn't soap?

DOVE ISN'T SOAP!?!?!

Why, yes, a pile of off-brand, soulless stuffed animals would be MY dream come true.

Ah well.

Hey, guess what it's time for?

That's right!

It's NEAT STUFF YOU SHOULD BUY!!!!

(1980)

(1982)

Well, it's safe to say the early 80s were filled with plenty of horrors... from Orange Kix vests to planes crashing into frozen bridges to nuclear illnesses to lawn mowers of doom, it's a wonder any of us survived it with all our limbs intact.