Glossy Time Capsules #9
The American Magazine
May, 1931
Price: 25 cents
Once again, the particular magazine in my possession lacks a cover, but I pulled this picture from Google....
"All the tennis racquets and balls are MINE and I'm not sharing!" declares a pouty Hans L'Orange.
So, okay. It's 1931. The Depression's been in full swing for nearly two years, and money is tight... but what is REALLY important to Americans in these troubled times?
Why, CLEANLINESS, of course!
Clean Faces...
Clean Bodies...
Clean Teeth...
Clean Innards...
But, let's face it, it's difficult to buy any of these products if you're poor, so before you do anything else, make sure you gain some employment!
You might want to look into mining....
Holy crap, both of these mining schools still exist!
And there's always military school to consider, first... so many choices....
But before you decide on a career, why not settle down and read some of the scintillating stories in this issue of The American Magazine?
Like this one, about feuding females....
Brilliant.
YES! Another "future predictions" article!
SORCERY! DIABOLICAL SORCERY! THESE THINGS MUST NOT COME TO PASS!
*covers ears and hums loudly*
Seriously, though, who were these Nostradamuses? The only thing they kind of got wrong about "the future" was this....
"Breakfast No. 6" sounds like something Jane Jetson might order.
OR.... WERE THEY ACTUALLY PREDICTING... TV DINNERS?!?
...
Mind.
Blown.
Transatlantic sailing in the 30s, according to this piece, wasn't all that different from cruising today. With one notable exception... it used to be that your friends & family could come aboard to see you off. Hellooo, stowaways!
Alas, as my mom pointed out, this golden age of cruising would've been cut short less than a decade later.
STUPID WORLD WAR II, RUINING EVERYTHING.
They both married each other, LOL.
There's a particularly unsettling picture of Fred Stone as the Scarecrow from The Wizard Of Oz on his Wikipedia page. I bid you leave to go look at it.
* * *
What fabulous foods did people enjoy (or enjoy looking at) in 1931?
Soup!
Oreos!
Root Beer!
Gelatin!
So much for the notion that Depression-era folks subsisted on oats and dandelions. They were eatin' pretty good, if they could afford it.
They could also potentially buy a lot of other neat things...
Portable typewriters!
Refrigerators!
Milk boxes!
Trips on quaint little buses!
Film!
Cars!
Dog biscuits!
Bicycles!
Lawn sprinklers!
& Pens!
Ah, such wonders.
Okay, so those ads above? Normal ads. Sensible ads. Nice ads.
Below, you will find... um....
Well, the only thing to really call them is.... insane ads.
Creepy eyeballs FTW.
At least he's still got his bow tie, I mean... bright side, here.
I keep reading this at Humpmobile. I apologize to no one.
Skeletons drawing blood on your finger? Prevent this with Lysol...
OR DIE.
Like a warm, gooey marshmallow... of death!
With a name like Kaffee Hag, it has to be terrible.
Gum helps you build muscles. I MEAN YES YOU SHOULD ALSO EXERCISE DAILY... but, really, GUM is the key ingredient to health, here.
Kids need fattening up? Cocomalt will do the trick!
Can't sleep? Ovaltine can help!
In fact, just throw out your doctor's phone number and DRINK CHOCOLATE BEVERAGES CONSTANTLY.
Even back then, our wise elders knew what really caused baldness....
WATER.
You depended on metal to keep your ship afloat....
Now depend on it to keep moisture out of your grave.
YOUR GRAVE.
Sweet dreams, y'all.
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