Art Of The Brick

There's A Trope For That - Week of April 15

This Week's Trope: Badass Beard

"Some badasses are not satisfied with just a Badass Mustache or Perma Stubble to show off their awesomeness. No, they choose to take it further. As opposed to facial hair growing above their upper lip, they won't be content until they have a full blown beard to show off. Many times, it works for them where a simple mustache would just look foolish or out of place. And when it does work, the gentleman in question is a bona fide tough guy, a man's man, a veritable buffet of manliness.

In short, it's what happens when the Badass Mustache gets cranked Up to Eleven."

(See also: This.)

Watching The Natural...

...with my mother.

Before the movie

Mom: "Do you have a movie for us to watch? And don't say Pollyanna or Anne Of Green Gables."

Me: "Mary Poppins?"

Mom: "Nooo!'

Me: "Here. Let's watch The Natural."

Mom: "Oh, I saw this movie a long time ago. Many years ago, when your father was alive. This came out when he was alive, didn't it?"

Me: "I should hope so; it came out in the 80s."

Mom: "So he was alive then."

1/5 of the way in

Mom: "*gasp* That guy looks JUST LIKE the guy from Anne Of Green Gables!"

Me: "Um, because it is."

1/3 of the way in

Mom: "I don't remember any of this so far."

Two minutes later

Mom: "Is this not the movie where they build the baseball diamond in the cornfield?"

Me: *sigh*

Not-so-Great Expectations

Great Expectations: We all had to read the book in high school, and it in turn provided us with an arsenal of jokes about creepy old ladies and stale wedding cakes that we could pull out at a moment's notice and amuse all our literary-minded friends for years to come. (And by all, I mean two.)

Now, Masterpiece Theatre has been kind enough to bring the book to our televisions for our entertainment... and, apparently, nightmare fuel as well.

Seriously, I don't remember the book ever being so horrific as this film. But anyway.

Pip, a young orphan being raised by his wicked sister and his more amiable brother-in-law, helps an escaped criminal... uh, escape... well, for about an hour, anyway. This is a good deed.

Later, Pip is asked to be a companion for a young girl named Estella, at the home of crazy old rich bat Miss Havisham.

Pip falls for Estella, even though she's been trained by the jilted-in-love Miss Havisham to be a coldhearted snake.

I know she doesn't look it, but she totally is.

When Miss Havisham witnesses Estella making a move on Pip, she arranges for Pip to become a blacksmith's apprentice and go away. Pip is devastated. No more Estella.

BUT THEN...

Pip gets word that a mysterious benefactor is leaving him a fortune, and he is to go to London to become a gentleman, which means he gets to wear top hats and coat tails and become a Calvin Klein model.

This makes Pip happy.

In London, Pip meets Herbert Pocket, played by Harry Lloyd, who you may remember from such films as Masterpiece Theatre Presents: David Copperfield, in which he played the main character's chum, only in that movie he was (SPOILER ALERT) kind of sinister, and here he's just a cutie pie.

Alongside Herbert, Pip drinks and smokes and lives it up in ye old London, all the while thinking that Miss Havisham is his benefactor, because who else could it be? And if she's his benefactor, she must WANT him to become a gentleman SO THAT he can marry Estella, of course!

Pip does a lot of assuming. Silly Pip.

Eventually Estella comes to London and Pip has to fend off a rival for her affections, and Estella starts to look like Juliet Landau for some reason.

Meanwhile, all these depressing and/or creepy things are happening to everyone, including:

*Pip has totally turned his back on his family, even his lovable brother-in-law.

*Miss Havisham and Estella have the most dysfunctional relationship ever. They're like cats. ENEMY cats.

*Estella declares that she has "no heart" and can not love Pip.

*Estella gets engaged to a jerky guy who refers to Pip as "Pippy," among his other crimes.

*Pip is being followed by one, possibly two, possibly three shadowy and possibly nefarious figures.

At long last, Pip comes of age and can now be told who is benefactor is. But, SURPRISE! It's not who he thought! Nope, it's not kooky old Miss Havisham, whose house is covered in cobwebs and who has been wearing the same dress for 20 years and should really smell like mule (I'm not sure how Pip can stand her, honestly), NOPE, it's the escaped convict from the beginning of the movie!

So Pip does the whole obligatory NOOOOOOO!!!!! thing, and runs around for the next half hour trying to make sense of his life and why everything he thought was just plum wrong.

Then Miss Havisham goes up in flames. That I remember from the novel.

But honestly? Good riddance.

Pip then goes on to help his real benefactor, the convict, flee the country, but he fails, and it turns out the benefactor is, coincidentally, Estella's real father, but Estella doesn't know, and Estella's still married to that jerk, but then the jerk gets bucked off his horse and dies, and that frees up Estella to get with Pip, though why the heck Pip would want her I do not know.

The end!

Goofy Retro Baby Ads, Part 2

(Here's Part 1, for those who missed it)

And on to part 2 of goofy baby ads from 1980-1982...

Wow! Can I REALLY turn my baby's first pair of shoes into all those things? A useful TV lamp, smart book ends, OR a handsome ash tray, for a mere $3.99? 

Handsome ash tray.

"Hey, Joe, you got an ash tray I can use?'

"Yeah, over there, between my baby's bronzed feet."

Stay classy, parents of the 80s.

If you don't want your baby to suffer, why did you stick her in a pure white Victorian-era gown, people?

This looks so comfortable, it kind of saddens me that you would never see an ad like this anymore. Baby lying on her side? NOOOO! Baby with a blanket in her crib? MURDERERS! But.... it looks sooo comfy....

The three babies at the top don't look like they're even a part of the ad. They're like the faces you find on billboards. "Have you seen me? Call 1-800-TheLost." Perhaps it's the black & white, but they look kind of sinister.

Maybe it's just me, but when I hear (see?) a name like Don Green, I think of an older gentleman, maybe 70-something. A grandpa who likes to smoke his pipe and play Rummy with the guys. And then we have this baby and all I can think of is that Harry Potter book where the death eater falls into the case of Time Turner sand and keeps morphing into a baby and then growing up and then going back to baby-hood and it's horrible and twisted and for some reason didn't make it into the movie, but whatever; why the heck is an old guy wearing Huggies?

"I don't know much about babies, but nevermind that, give me a couple to hold! What do you MEAN you had to ask your parents who I was? I'm a celebrity! I mean, I was! But I... well.... oh, just buy Borax!"

I'm not sure I'm down (get it?) with leaving a bottle of fabric softener in the baby's crib, but... okay?

ORANGE-FLAVORED CHEWABLE ASPIRIN!! YUMMY!!

I know we used these wipes when I was little, and yeah, I'm still here, but I find it strange that they could sell the product by claiming it contains some secret ingredient known as CSP, not explain what that even is, and expect that parents will snatch it up. Did red flags not exist back then? Did parents just think, "Ooh! An acronym! Fancy! Must buy!"?

Man, now I'm curious. A Google search of CSP brings back "Chest Striped Polo," "Compulsive Skin Picking," and "Combat Simulator Project." Not helpful. The closest thing I could find was Compounded Sterile Product, but even that isn't a cleaning agent, just "a thing that's sterile."

Quick, somebody call History's Mysteries and make them figure out what the hell.

Remember how in fifth grade you'd write a report for school and it would say something like "Abraham Lincoln helped our country in many ways" and then you'd expand on that by saying: "He helped free the slaves, and he helped abolish slavery, oh and also he helped Black People a lot and stuff" and expect to get an A?

This ad kind of does that, too. 

 "And there are so many ways to love a baby with Johnson's baby powder," says the ad. It then goes on to list a mere three ways, and yet they're essentially all the same: you put the powder on the baby.  

It's just baby powder, y'all.... stop making it sound like it's going to suddenly jump up and start doing tricks.

It's the baby farm!

"I love you, Baby. But I really love these towels and my box of Bounce, too! HOW DO I CHOOSE??? Wait... I don't have to choose! I have two arms! There is enough love to go around!!"

So remember that time you pushed out a baby? And you know how now, you can't seem to push out anything? See what we did there? Haha, buy our milk.

Baby, too, huh? Sucks to be your family!

Because landfills are limitless!

"It won't accidentally fold while your baby is inside." Holy crap, the horrors of the past! I'm glad I didn't have to raise kids back when. Sheesh, what with worrying about Polio, Rickets and Consumption, you also had to worry about playpens swallowing up toddlers. Scary times.

Says the ad: "The Infantoy Happy Clam plays Peek-a-Boo, a game that teaches baby that objects still exist, even when out of sight."

I'm so glad they explained this for us. Because you know, some people don't see the value in Peek-a-Boo. People like Father.

Actual* conversation:

Mother: Peek-a-boo!

Baby: Ga ga!

Father: Stop that nonsense at once! Peek-a-Boo is a silly, silly game! Why, Junior should be learning the French Horn and studying Shakespeare, not playing absurd games with no educational value!

Mother: But dear, according to this advertisement, Peek-a-Boo will teach our baby that objects STILL EXIST, even when OUT OF SIGHT!

Father: Still exist? Out of sight, did you say? By jove, you're RIGHT! Why, this is essential to our baby's growth and development. QUICKLY! Resume the game!

Mother: Oh, but my hands are so tired... alas.... Wait, look here! This so-called Happy Clam will teach our child about existentialism and the like!

Father: Let us purchase it immediately! Take my charge plate and GO!

*-And by actual I mean fictional. They're the same, right?

Apparently Mothercare is not only safe, stylish, and SPECIAL... but also... plural? Grammar police, please.

Thank goodness for a well-stocked medicine cabinet full of things that make baby go ni-night! I love you, medicine cabinet.

I like how the man and the woman are getting romantic in the third picture. Before this lady discovered nursing pads, her husband kept his distance. I mean, really, the lady was leaking all over the place and her boobs looked hideous and her husband couldn't even stand to look at her. But NOW-- ooh la la, more babies on the WAY!

Now available in Bam-Bam-With-A-Nipple-Hat variety!

Having trouble getting your baby to fall asleep? We have the perfect solution. In fact, it's so brilliant, we're amazed no one has thought of it before or since. We like to call it PLOWING A LOCOMOTIVE PAST YOUR BABY'S HEAD. No, really! Logic would suggest otherwise, but in fact, the noise and movement totally makes the baby close its eyes and go to sleep. WooWOO! Chugachuga! All aboard for dreamlannnnd!

There's A Trope For That - Week of April 1

This Week's Trope: One Steve Limit

"A pretty rigid rule that no two characters in a work of fiction (novel, movie, play, TV series, comic book, etc.) should share the same first name, or even similar-sounding names. If there's a Laura in the story, there will not be a Lyra; if there's an Ed, there will not be a Ted. (If you wake up one morning and suddenly discover that you don't know any two people with the same first name and that your phone number begins with 555, you can safely assume you've fallen into a work of fiction.) The rationale behind this is so obvious it almost doesn't need explanation: Both the audience and the writer will get confused by multiple characters with the same name."

---

When it comes to books, I totally respect this. Be creative! Use all the letters of the alphabet and make a character Zola and another Quentin and still another Kitty Marie, but don't go mixing me up by naming all your characters things that will confound my brain!

Yeah, except I totally ignored the rule in my novel. To heck with it, I said! And so there's a Davin and Daniel, a Lyric and a Lisa, and a Karis and a Kelsey. *checking to see if I care, now*NOPE!

In conclusion, name your characters whatever you want!

Okay, actually, scratch that, don't name anybody Jebediah; I hate that name.

Unless the story is set in 1862 and Jebediah carries a shotgun and a pickaxe, is missing five teeth, and has just sent away for a mail-order bride from the east. If that is the case, you have my blessing.