Sunday, October 30, 2011

"Scary" Movies (Halloween Blog Part 1)

Want to watch a movie this Halloween that'll leave you haunted, depressed, and frightened out of your wits? Forget ghosts, vampires, zombies, and werewolves... those are sooo cliche. Get on board with TERRIBLE MOVIES instead!

Here are some recommendations from the one- and two-star section of my Netflix Ratings History. I'm not saying there is nothing redeeming about these films. All I'm saying is that I will never go near them again.

Annnnd spoiler alerts, because... I spoil stuff

Annie Get Your Gun


What makes a good musical? An interesting story? Great lyrics? Tolerable characters? Whoops, missed the boat on that last one: yikes. I get that there are people out there who love this musical. I also get that those people and I can never be friends.


Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

What could be worse than hiring a creepy-looking actor to play an Oompa Loompa? How about hiring a creepy-looking actor to play NINE THOUSAND OOMPA LOOMPAS???


Oh, you're so creative, Tim Burton. I WANT MY NIGHTMARELESS SLEEPS TWO HOURS BACK!!


27 Dresses

Katherine Heigl is ever so popular! Why, she has been asked to be a bridesmaid 27 times -- and has the dresses in her closet to prove it! BUT as they say... three times a bridesmaid, never a bride. Which, according to my calculations, means that Katherine is doomed to "never be a bride" nine times. Oh, wasn't that joke funny? Didn't think so. Neither is the movie.


The Bounty Hunter


Imagine that, for two hours, you are forced to be chained to someone you loathe. Think of how much that would suck. Now you can imagine what sitting through The Bounty Hunter feels like. Then add more suckage. Even Gerard Butler's hotness can't do a thing for this car crash.


Superman III


In its defense, I think they were trying to make a cheesy movie. It is laughably terrible. According to one YouTuber, this is the best scene in the film. Make of that what you will.



The Three Musketeers


It's 1993, and you've got Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen and Chris O'Donnell in the same movie? How could that possibly go wrong? Well, I'm still not entirely sure, but let's just say it does.



Home Alone 4: Taking Back The House


Hey, we're back! Macaulay Culkin's been replaced, the parents have been replaced, Harry and Marv have been replaced (BY THE MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET), the siblings have been replaced, and oh yeah -- two siblings are (apparently) dead annnnd the parents are divorced. Merry Christmas, you filthy screenwriters!


Phenomenon


Hi. I'm John Travolta. I can do awesome things with my mind and inspire people and chay-ay-ange the world... BUT WAIT. The real reason I'm so awesome is because I have brain tumor. Gotta go die now, cya! 



Go ahead and defend any of the above. I don't care. Or add your own "scary movies" in the comments section! Let me know what I should avoid and never, ever put in my Qwikster Netflix queue.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Book Talk

On this, the One-Year, Three-Month, Seven-Day Anniversary of my book's publication (a momentous occasion, to be sure), I present you with: Half A Dozen Ways You, Too, Can Get A Copy Of The Book, If You Have Not Done So Already, And If You Have Not Done So Already, For Pete's Sake, WHY NOT?


Six ways. Pick one!

The name is Just South Of Normal.  It's a novel.  Here's a picture:



This is me finishing with the novel pimping. Good night. 

Friday, October 14, 2011

Collegiate

A few weekends ago I decided to pay a visit to the campus of one of my former colleges, Western Oregon University. This is where I attended school from 2001-2003, earned my Bachelor of Science degree in Humanities, and had a lot of crazy times. I wasn't into the party scene, but my roommate and I did watch a lot of cable TV, rent numerous VHS tapes from the local mom & pop video store, and make many trips to Wal-Mart. So, you know, crazy times.

Even though the campus is only about an hour and a half away from where I currently live, I've only been back twice since 2003. Which is lame of me, because there are many reasons to visit, not the least of which is the food court. But more on that later.

I now present to you a pictorial account of my recent visit to WOU, home of the Wolves.


WOU has a fun history! It has gone through more name changes over the years than Prince: Monmouth University, Oregon Normal School, Oregon College of Education, and Western Oregon State College are its previous monikers. Fun fact: Beverly Cleary's friend went here!




Ah, Main Street. Home to classrooms and bricky buildings. A lovely place.


This is the Administration Building. Once, during my first year, I joined some of my professors and fellow students in a "march" where we... well, marched... outside this building, chanting things about fairness and equality. And we got to wear buttons. It was exciting! But mostly it scored me points with my profs. Maybe it was my imagination, but they were nicer to me after that. I still have the buttons somewhere.


Okay, so there's this tree. And it's a big deal around there because it's the tallest of trees, and possibly the oldest. At Christmas time, it has lights all over it and they have a tree lighting ceremony and it is very special. But this tree isn't perfect. That's because the top's gone. It was struck by lightning. How cool is that? So now, no point. It is the Mt. St. Helens of trees.


This is Campbell Hall. Allow me to tell you about Campbell Hall, though not about that blue thing in front because I have no idea what that is. No, but about the building. It used to have a bell tower on top, but then, during the Columbus Day Storm of 1962, it fell down.


Exclamation point!

When it fell, two things were destroyed. One, the bell tower. Duh. So they were like woe, no bell tower, BUT we miss the bells so let's build a bell-tower-ish thing on top of the building next door and play RECORDED BELL SOUNDS!


See that brown thing on top of that other building? That's a bell tower, but I'll be darned if there's an actual bell in it. But that didn't stop us from being treated to bell chiming on the hour and olde tyme music three times a day.

The other thing that was destroyed in the Storm was the left side of Campbell Hall. I guess it was totaled. So they walled/bricked it off, but you can see where the doors used to be.


Or, you know, there's probably some other reason why it's like that. I'm no architect. All I know is that door-looking thing creeps me out.

Speaking of creepy...


This is Todd Hall, named after Jessica Todd. Beverly Cleary's friend and her classmates used to call it Jessica Todd Hell. Apparently nobody liked Jessica Todd. Which may be why some say the building is haunted. By HER, naturally.

Now, I don't know if it's true, but I do have to say there's something about the exterior...





...that strongly suggests "Nefarious after-hours doings." It is definitely the creepiest-looking building on campus.


This is the University Center, home to the bookstore, dining establishments, a mini-mart, a coffee place, offices, computer labs, and a "game" room, which, when I went there, had a foosball table and video games that ate your quarters. It's actually one of my favorite places on campus (not counting the food court). I can spend hours in the bookstore. It's probably a good thing it was closed when I was last there, or else I might've spent a pretty penny, and me without my 10%-Discount Alumni Card!


Now heading toward the dorms. A mere ten years ago, there were just 5 dorm buildings and now there are eight, I think. Mine was Gentle Hall, and I was in room 121.


Yep, there it is. Top floor on the right. That was "home" for two years, and it kind of weirds me out that other people dwell in it now. Yeah, I'm weird and possessive, what?


This is the Gentle Hall lounge. The RA's were always trying to get us "involved." So there were parties sometimes. Getting-to-know you extravaganzas. I remember everyone gathered to watch Friends when Rachel had her baby. I also carved a pumpkin in that room, made a decoupage box, and celebrated Mardi Gras for about an hour before returning to my dorm room to watch a Cosby Show marathon on TV.

Well, I promised I'd talk about it, and here it is...


 The food court. Valsetz. It was actually attached to Gentle Hall via a series of walkways. If you lived in the dorms, you could have a food card which was like a debit card and it meant that whenever you were hungry, all you needed was that card, and you could get anything you wanted. They had a soda fountain, a bagel station, a bakery, a pizza place, a salad bar, a sandwich bar, a grill, a waffle stand, and oh so much more. In the mornings you could get an omelet for a dollar; in the evenings you could get a Boca Burger and fries for less than $2. Once a month, they served lasagna, and it was so delicious we'd often buy 2 or 3 pieces and keep the leftovers in the fridge (for all the good it did; we still had them devoured in a days' time.)

And yeah, one time I did get food poisoning from their lettuce, but no hard feelings.

Valsetz was also the place where the dorm association would sometimes sponsor Bingo nights. My roommate and I were unusually adept at winning prizes. I actually won a 23" TV, a serious upgrade from the 13" one we'd been using. I still feel kind of bad I didn't act more excited when I won, like jump up and down and scream, but that isn't like me. I hope they realize I was, indeed, grateful. A big TV made watching Gerard Butler movies even better!


Another place to get snacks on campus was this little mini mart inside the Werner Center. We called it either the Wolf Store or the Candy Store. I am only slightly ashamed to say that candy was most often purchased here, though a few Icees and Jones Sodas were procured as well. The Food Court was awesome for everything except having candy. So we got it here. And we got it often. It's a wonder we still have all our teeth.


This is the library, and it is fantastic. It opened right before I started at WOU. It has three floors, and in my quest for a quiet corner, I would often make my way up to the second or third floor to find a comfy chair on which to study. One day, I accidentally stumbled upon a section full of children's books. I love children's books! It was like my own personal Room of Requirement. So whenever I wasn't studying or involved in various shenanigans, I may have been found curled up on a cushy chair, nibbling Skittles and reading Judy Blume.


And now this tour must come to an end. I want to visit again soon -- if anyone wants to go with me, I'm taking applications. Kidding. Sort of.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Frugality

So then there was the time I tried to save $1.

I don't mean in a piggy bank. I mean in life.

Tried....

It cost $23 to order a college parking permit online and go pick it up myself.  $24 to have them mail it to me. So you know what I chose?

Yeah. The cheaper one. Because I'm so darn thrifty!

When I went to retrieve my purchased permit, I couldn't find the correct building.  Signs and maps led me astray, and so I gave up that night, thinking for sure I'd get it the next week.  (That first week, they were being lenient with the parking thing, since it's a new gimmick and all.)

Before the next class, I studied a map of the campus online.  I knew right where the building was.

But I take evening classes. And by the time I made it to campus, it was 5:14pm and the parking permit building's door was locked. There were signs posted outside about contacting this or that number "after hours," but absolutely no indication of what those hours actually were.  So I had no idea if 'd be okay if I got there at 4:30 next week, or if they kept some weird schedule, because I couldn't find that info THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

And because I still didn't have a physical parking pass, and because I didn't want to risk getting slapped with a fine (or "citation" as them fancy shmancers call it), I shelled out $3 at a kiosk for a "day pass" to park my car that evening (which I may have neglected to mention was tonight.) And with just seven classes left... Well, you do the math. Nah, I'll do it. Seven classes times $3 is only $21.  Add tonight to that mix and that's... $24.

Exactly what I would've/should've paid to begin with, if I had half a brain.

Next time, no doubt about it, they are getting that darn dollar... and I'm getting some peace of mind!

Friday, September 30, 2011

Historical Ack-uracy


You know, Netflix has been kind of obnoxious lately.  Raising their prices, dividing their DVD and streaming services, sending me patronizing emails, and -- most offensive of all -- mailing me a string of disturbing movies.

Not bad movies, just... gross.  Like Gladiator a few weeks back.  Blood and beheadings and all that jazz.  And this week?  John Adams, which is technically a TV miniseries, but I regard TV movies and miniseries pretty highly so it might as well be a movie.

But, okay (GROSSNESS ALERT) there's a smallpox epidemic in Massachusetts, 1776.  And while John Adams is off trying to do the whole Independence thing, his wife, Abigail, decides to inoculate their children by exposing them to a bit of the smallpox virus. So this one friend of hers (a doctor? one can only hope) extracts some goo out of one of the... uh, lesions... of a seriously disgustingly infected-with-smallpox person, then inserts that into Abigail and the children's bloodstreams.  OH HELLS NO.  Well, guess what, THEY ALL GET SICK... the daughter most terribly.  She's got pox everywhere.  And they are nasttttty.  See, I always thought smallpox were like chickenpox, but smaller.

WRONG!

No.  They are bigger AND grosser.  Way, way grosser.

And, I mean, kudos to the John Adams make-up department for making that poor daughter look like a freaking garbage pail kid, but EW. MY EYES NEED A BATH NOW.

There are two more discs in this series, and I plan to rent them, because hey, it's good otherwise.  No, really!  I like watching a bunch of dudes in wigs debating and yammering endlessly and voting and stuff.  It's history, man.  And you know who plays George Washington?  David Morse!  The unfortunate side effect of this is that from now on, every time I look at a dollar bill or quarter, I'm automatically going to start quoting The Langoliers.

Oh well.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Chicken ala What The--?

Since early in my pet-owning days, I've had bizarre dreams about the animals I care for.  (Yes, I'm going to talk about my dreams today. You've been warned.)

FISH - I've had fish off and on since I was ten. Goldfish, Betta and Catfish, mostly.  Throughout the years, I've had this recurring nightmare (even when fish aren't a part of my family) where I have a fish in a tank or bowl or whatever, and the fishie keeps trying to jump out.  And I'm trying to physically stop it from leaping to its certain death. Either that or I'm trying to grab the fish while it's flopping around on the table and throw it back in. I'm terrified that the fish will die on my watch, and oftentimes I spend a lengthy amount of time trying to keep the fish in the bowl. Very frustrating, that one is.

DOGS - I have never owned a dog, but ever since I started dogsitting a few years ago, I've had this dream where I'm supposed to dogsit, but for whatever reason there's been a miscommunication, and I've not arrived at the house when I'm supposed to and the dog has been alone for days and I feel terrible.  That's it. Pretty simple, I guess. I hate to think how this dream is going to develop if/when I actually do have my own dog someday.  Uhhhh let's not think about that.

CATS - I don't really have cat dreams very often, which is a bit odd considering we've had at least one cat in my family since I was eight years old. Occasionally I've had dreams where a cat escapes and I can't find it. Now we have three cats. That said, ever since we got the third one, I've had this recurring nightmare in which I'm trying to corral all three of them in an emergency, and it's just physically impossible to hold them all.  I usually wake up from this one feeling pretty cranky.

I see a theme with all these dreams. Keeping the fish in the water, making sure the dog is being looked after, and trying to rescue the cats -- all of these dreams involve keeping the animal alive. Perfectly normal, right?

So somebody please explain to me what is up with my dreams about the chickens.

CHICKENS - Whenever I dream about my chickens, I dream that they have multiplied. Reproduced. Spawned. But not necessarily with more chickens. No, sometimes I'll go outside and find that my three little hens have been joined by two hens from a neighboring home... and a duck.  Like, these other birds will be sitting in the coop with the chickens, looking at me like, "Wassup?"  And I'm supposed to deal with it.  One night I dreamed that my chickens had spawned GUINEA PIGS, and I was running around trying to find cages big enough for all my new family members.

And then there was last night.

Last night's dream involved me going out to the coop to see that my three chickens...


... had been joined by a dog...


...a pelican...


... and, for good measure, a baby penguin.


Naturally, I ran for my camera and started snapping pictures of the adorableness.

Even my subconscious seems to know it is weird, because my very next dream involved me explaining THAT dream to a group people and laughing about how silly it is that I have these spawning dreams all the time.  How meta of me.

Well, that's all. Now that I've opened this (scary) window into my psyche, I hope you don't trip over your shoelaces as you run for the door.

Peace.