Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Molly Would Like To Punch A Random Stranger But Can't Get Up The Energy So Oh Well Maybe Some Other Time

One word to describe me of late: grumpy.

Not sad, not woeful, just full of grump.

I don't like being this way, but so it is. Today was day 24 of the treatment. 6 to go. I mean, that should be cause for celebration. Almost there! Woot! So close!

Yeah, okay, but can I punch a wall now?

It's not as bad as I thought it would be at this point. My face is red, sure, but I'm certainly not a tomato. My throat hurts a bit, but I can still eat. 

But about that. My taste buds have turned on me. One of the first things to lose all its flavor was cheese. CHEESE. Pizza started tasting like lima beans. A tragedy indeed. Cookies and brownies were next. Refried beans? Nada. Candy? No longer sweet.

And yet fruit and vegetables taste the same as ever. Eggs taste the same. Yogurt is fine.

What gives, stupid taste buds?

I sometimes find myself craving something with flavor. I used to enjoy food so much... and now it's like I'm on this constant quest to find something that tastes good that I'm not sick and tired of. This endeavor requires energy I do not have.

I think that's part of the reason why I'm grumpy. Food has always been one of those "comfort" things for me, and now it is lost. Woe.

But you know what? Something cool happened yesterday. I was riding an elevator and my left ear began tingling and I decided to try to wink my left eye -- something I have not been able to do since my surgery two months ago -- and lo and behold, I was able to almost close it... independently of the other one! I've been trying and trying for weeks and never could get it to do anything, and now it's doing something! My nerves are coming back! I'm one step closer to not looking like Quasimodo!

In the mornings my throat is sore and I get a lot of bloody noses. My scar itches and my skin feels icky. I have to go to treatment every day and I'm SO BEYOND TIRED OF IT, even though the nurses are nice and everything, and the waiting room has coffee and puzzles... still, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE.

And yet I have to stop myself and say, you know, look at that woman over there, that woman who has to change into a gown every time she comes to the clinic. Look how she's lost her hair. She has to have chemo. You better just count your lucky charms you don't have to deal with that, missie may. You're dealing with small potatoes compared to that lady and others like her, so just suck it up and deal.

Deal, deal, deal.

I'm going to set the timer for five minutes and list as many things as I can that make me happy.

Starting now.

Cousins, babies, baby cousins, swimming pools, balloons, cotton candy, chair lifts, watermelon, warm sand, boats, ski-bobbing, camping, forests, trees, trails, hiking, walking, bears, tigers, tiger cubs, pandas, giraffes, elephants, nature, bubbles, Harry Potter, digging in the dirt, finding rocks, baths, blankets, books, the library, Netflix, TV, Community, MST3K, L&C, randomly hearing a long-forgotten 90's song on the radio, Rock Band, Wii, Mario Kart, Paper Mario, Zelda, Final Fantasy, music, classical music, Jeopardy, Agricola, Seven Wonders, Stan, Kerry, Kirby, Riker, Baylie, Didi, CC, Servo, Hazel, Parker, Daisy, Hershey, Jasmine, sunsets...

Time's up.

And now it's time to rest.

ETA: So on day 29? I was informed I was now going to have 35 treatments instead of thirty. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE YET ANOTHER WEEK TO GO!


So I'll be posting when it's all over, if it doesn't kill me first.

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