Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Ever So Much More Baby-Naming... With Kixia!

Hello, my lovelies! It's me, Kixia! And this is...


(View my previous columns here, here, and here.)

Okay, yes, yes... I know.... I've been notably absent for many moons. Apologies.

Have you guessed why I was gone for so long? Well, if you guessed It's because she was writing a book! you're totally correct!

Let me introduce you to MY baby....


Description: 

Naming a child is arguably the most important thing a parent will ever do, but many parents-to-be report that the process is a "struggle," an "obnoxious challenge," and even "a nightmare." But it doesn't have to be! In this baby-naming guide from blogger and self-declared baby-naming expert Kixia Foster, you'll be provided with the key steps for:

*Choosing a baby name that's modern, classic, and unique, that also perfectly fits your newborn-to-be's personality.

*Avoiding those cliché names that all the other parents are giving their children.

*Steering clear of tragic baby-naming mistakes that could scar your little one for life.

Available in November. Hardback. 112 pages. Suggested retail $29.99.

* * *

Is that exciting, or what? :) :)

Oh, but you're probably thinking, now that Kixia's written a book, she won't be blogging anymore. She expects us to PAY for her advice, does she? But that is UNTRUE! I am pleased to report that I will be continuing to blog... starting... RIGHT NOW!

So, as you can imagine, after my long hiatus from the blogosphere, my inbox looks something like this:

3-7-14 Kixia, help me name my baby!
3-9-14 Kixia, what do you think about this list of names...??
4-2-14 Kixia, help, I'm having twins! Suggestions???
4-5-14 Kixia, why haven't you responded to my messages?
10-12-14 WTF Kixia, it's been 6 months! Where are you??? PLEASE RESPOND
1-4-15 Kixia I've given birth and you still haven't responded. WHAT SHOULD I NAME MY 6 MONTH OLD KID?
2-17-15 KIXIA ARE YOU STILL ALIVE????????????????????
2-19-15 F you Kixia, I just went ahead and named my baby Bob.

While I am flattered that so many people depend on my expertise and advice, I would like to remind my readers that baby-naming (though I AM an expert, let's not kid ourselves) is something anyone can (attempt) to do. Like they say in the movies, "You had the power all along." The power to name your kid Braighlynne Papaya Nicollette Smith IV, if that was your wish. The power is yours, and always was.

But that doesn't mean I've become obsolete, oh no, no, no! (P.S.: Buy my book.)

But basically, if you sent me a message more than six months ago, I'm probably never going to read it or respond to it. But I WILL respond to some of my more recent messages, and you are, of course, welcome to send along more. Who knows? Some of them may be published in my NEXT book!

Here are a few of my recent messages as well as my helpful replies:

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Dear Kixia,

I'm pregnant with my second daughter, due in November, and need your advice -- not about not the name itself -- but about about the spelling. The name I'm going to give her is essentially "McKinsley" but I don't care for that particular spelling. I want the spelling to be semi-unique but not terribly hard for my daughter to spell out. What do you think about:

Mckynsley
Mikinzli
Makynzleighe

or... other?

Thanks!

Kayteigh Rollins
Mommy to Madysynne Rhozze and TBA


Dear Kayteigh,

How about MKNZLY? It'll get the point across, and will also make a nice license plate, if someone hasn't already taken it. And if it's not available in your state, remember, there are 49 others to choose from. As an aside, www.mknzly.com is still available! Go for it!

Sincerely, 
Kixia

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Hey Kixia,

Our baby is due in three days and we have no idea what to name it.  HELP US!

--Dale & Codey Martinez

P.S. We don't yet know the sex.
P.P.S. We're hipsters, if that changes anything.

Dale & Codey
San Diego

Dear Dale & Codey,

I have a fun idea that should appeal to all. Here's what you do. When the baby comes out, look at the hair color. Then name the baby accordingly.

Black hair? Ebony for a girl, Ebon for a boy.
Brown hair? Browne for a boy, Bronwyn for a girl.
Blonde Hair: Blondca for a girl, James Blond for a boy.
Red Hair: Redmond for a boy, Karrots for a girl.
And if it's bald? Name it Harry (or Harrie)... in the interest of irony.

Yours,

Kixia

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Kixia,

We are due with our third daughter in December. Our two girls both have names ending with "ty" (Trinity, 4, and Serenity, 2) and we want our third to have the same. We can't use "Felicity" or "Liberty" because the girls have cousins with those names. We have considered: Charity, Chastity, Modesty, Royalty, Majesty, Infinity, Destiny, and Dynasty. We were wondering what you'd suggest?

From, Jon & Lenea
Port Townsend, Washington

Dear Jon & Lenea,

Well, if you didn't already have a daughter named Trinity, I'd advise you against THAT one. Trinity literally means "a group of three". You want a child with three personalities? Fine. Go that route. Oh wait -- you already did!! Hope she's not a total nutso. And your little Serenity is presumably going through the terrible twos right now -- ever feel like rethinking THAT choice? Sorry, but I think giving kids a "virtue" or "abstract concept" name is giving them a lot to live up to. I mean, what if you give a girl the name Chastity and she doesn't remain chaste? What if Modesty likes to wear skimpy bikinis? What if Royalty becomes a bum? What if Infinity doesn't live forever? YOU SEE?

In conclusion, I suggest Hetty or Betty. Both are classic -ty names that ought to make a comeback any year now.

As always,

Kixia

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Kixia,

I'm writing to you because I'm upset with you. Well, not just with you, but... well, here's how it is. Three years ago my wife and I asked you for baby name suggestions. You told us that the letter "i" was up-and-coming and that if we gave our baby a name beginning with "i," we would not regret our choice.

Well, we named our daughter Isis, and now, quite frankly, we regret it!

This is not to say our daughter isn't the most perfect, beautiful, creative, smart, and talented child on the planet. Because she is. She just happens to have an unfortunate name.

I know that you didn't personally know, at the time, that Isis would come to represent a terrorist organization, but help us out, here... now what do we do?

-Josh Winters
Vancouver, BC


Dear Josh,

Never in my life have I been so excited by a semi-angry message! Yes, I know that there any many parents of Isis-es around the globe who are now regretting their unfortunate decision. You join the ranks of the many parents of Katrinas, Lances, Sandys, and Donalds, who have, at some point, slapped their foreheads going, "WHY?" 

Here's the silver lining, though. Your last name, and I presume your child's last name is also, Winters, correct? (If the child has a different last name, fine, but remedy that immediately.) So nickname your daughter "Isi," pronounced ICY. And there you have it. Isi Winters! Is she a Frozen fan? If so, why not?

Don't get angry, get smart, Josh! Remove that final "S" and your daughter will thrive.

All my best,

Kixia

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Hey Kixia,

My sister is pregnant with her first child, and wants to name her, I kid you not, Afternoon. She says that she feels like if Eve and Dawn can both be names, then Afternoon should be acceptable, too. I don't know how to get through to her. I mean, even if Afternoon was an okay name, what would she use for nicknames? Affie? Noo-noo? She says I need to MYOB because it's her kid, not mine, but as this baby's aunt, I feel like I ought to protect this child. Help!

-Megan D.

Atlanta, GA

Dear Megan,

My condolences on having a crazy sister. I know that a few years ago, I recommended (in one of my columns) that people give their kids "noun" names if they wanted to be avant garde, and I stand by that. But not everyone needs to be avant garde, and sometimes when we try to be so, we end up getting ourselves on the CPS watchlist, if you know what I mean.

It is a mystery why some baby names are popular and others, which seem to fall in the same category, are not. For example: months of the year. April, May, June and August are all common baby names. September, January, and November have made a few appearances as well. But nobody who is anybody names their child February, but that may be because of that nefarious extra "r". Who can say?

The same is true for seasons. "Autumn" and "Summer" are great baby names. "Winter", maybe. "Spring" and "Fall"? Heck no.

And don't even get me started on days of the week. "Sunday" and "Wednesday"? Great names. Both were names of feisty female fictional characters. But whenever I hear "Monday" all I ever think about is that detective from Mathnet. "Tuesday" and "Friday"? Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. The jury's still out on "Saturday".

In conclusion, Eve is a great name, Dawn is a retro name, and Afternoon needs to be expunged from your sister's brain, STAT. Have you considered hypnosis? Slip the hypnotist a $50 and your sister might even be persuaded to name her kid Sally.

Best of luck,
Kixia

-----------------

Kixia,

What do you think of the name Oona, for a girl?

Your #1 Fan,
Elisa Jones

Elisa,

I love Oona! They're a great phone service. They're internet-based and super inexpensive, so if you have to have a landline... oh... wait, that's Ooma.

Yes, I love Oona! 

Hakuna Matata,
Kixia

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Well, that's all I have time for today. Don't forget to check out my book! And remember... you have the power to name your baby... so please don't screw it up.


not an actual book


1 comment:

Amy O. said...

Oh, Molly. You kill me! Laughing so hard.