Sunday, June 16, 2013

Brick Critique: Minifigure Birthday Set

Once upon a time, there was a minifig named Johnny.

Johnny's tenth birthday didn't go quite as he had imagined and hoped.

For one thing, Johnny's parents forgot their son was even having a birthday until the night before. Once they realized their error, they made a mad rush to throw a last-minute bash, but alas... all of Johnny's friends were already busy, and every decent entertainer in the city was already booked. Everyone, that is, except... 

Brocco the Clown.

Brocco, short for Broccoli, came highly unrecommended. Brocco's moniker had something to do with the vegetable-green wig he always wore. Or WAS it a wig? Some had their doubts. Brocco's act was simple: blast a bugle, dance on pies, and make the children laugh, whatever it took.

And so Brocco was hired to entertain at Johnny's birthday party, but Johnny's parents still had a problem. Birthdays required presents, and they had no presents to give. But they did have wrapping paper and some miscellaneous trinkets in the attic, and so, after Johnny went to bed, they wrapped up a few of the salvaged goods.

At long last (roughly eight hours later) the big day arrived. Johnny was thrilled to walk into the living room that morning and see a a bunch of balloons waiting for him, along with a white banner bearing... hmmm, that was strange... there was nothing on it. Puzzled as he was, Johnny chose not to mention it.

"Happy birthday, son!" his parents cried. "Boy, do we have a big surprise for you!"

"What is it?!" Johnny gasped.

"You'll just have to wait and see," his father said cryptically.

The doorbell rang. "Who could that be?" Johnny's mother sang. "Johnny, why don't you go see who it is?"

Johnny made a dash for the front door and flug it open. And then....

A primal scream could be heard throughout the neighborhood and into the neighborhoods beyond. 

"Be polite!" Johnny's father hissed to his son, as he elbowed him in the ribs. "We paid good money for this -- uh, I mean, he's a very special guest."

And so Johnny, not wanting to make his parents feel bad, pasted a smile on his face and forced himself to pretend he wasn't utterly terrified of the sight he saw before him: Brocco, holding a pie in one hand, a bugle in the other, his face shining with pure, unadulterated glee.

"Come in, come in," Johnny's father said to the clown, ushering him into the house.

For the next half hour, Brocco played his bugle, danced a jig on the pie, and performed several scenes from It.

Johnny's plastic smile wavered more and more with each passing moment.

Soon it was time for presents. From his parents, Johnny received several Christmas ornaments and some Kenny G cassette tapes. When he was finished unwrapping these gifts, Johnny looked to his parents. "Mom? Dad?" he asked. "Can I go take a nap now?"

"Oh, no, no!" cried Brocco. "There's still one present you haven't opened! It's from meeee!"

Fingers trembling with fear, Johnny took the colorfully-wrapped box from Brocco and began to tear the paper off. After removing multiple layers of wrappings, he came to the inside of the box. And there within, he saw something brown and fuzzy.

 "What is it, Johnny?" asked Dad.

Johnny gingerly removed the object from the box and held it up for everyone to see. "Um..."

"Why, it's a wig!" cried his mother happily.

"Try it on, Johnny!" Dad urged.

"But DA-AD! It's a GIRL'S wig!"

Johnny's father looked stern. "Now, Son, Brocco was kind enough to bring you a present. Don't be rude, now. Try it on."

Johnny looked at his father. He looked as his mother, who was nodding encouragingly. And then he looked at Brocco.

And then...

 he snapped.

That was the last anyone ever saw of Brocco, and Johnny and his parents aren't talking.

Now YOU can recreate the tragic story of Johnny and Brocco with Lego's Minifigure Birthday Set for only $9.99! It comes with Brocco, Johnny, presents, a paper banner, and a female wig. Johnny's parents not included.


Amy O. said...

Oh, Molly. Yet another sampling of your comedic writing prowess. You are HI-LARIOUS, cousin o' mine.

This hits me especially funny because yesterday I skim-read an article about how minifig expressions have gotten decidedly less happy since the 80's.

This may be why :-).

Stan Patton said...

What Brocco doesn't tell you is that if you accept his gift, Brocco will forcibly remove your hair to make room for the wig.