Sunday, October 30, 2011

"Scary" Movies (Halloween Blog Part 1)

Want to watch a movie this Halloween that'll leave you haunted, depressed, and frightened out of your wits? Forget ghosts, vampires, zombies, and werewolves... those are sooo cliche.  Get on board with TERRIBLE MOVIES instead!

Here are some recommendations from the one- and two-star section of my Netflix Ratings History.  I'm not saying there is nothing redeeming about these films.  All I'm saying is that I will never go near them again.

Annnnd spoiler alerts, because... I spoil stuff

Annie Get Your Gun

What makes a good musical? An interesting story? Great lyrics? Tolerable characters?  Whoops, missed the boat on that last one: yikes.  I get that there are people out there who love this musical.  I also get that those people and I can never be friends.

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

What could be worse than hiring a creepy-looking actor to play an Oompa Loompa?  How about hiring a creepy-looking actor to play NINE THOUSAND OOMPA LOOMPAS???

Oh, you're so creative, Tim Burton.  I WANT MY NIGHTMARELESS SLEEPS TWO HOURS BACK!!

27 Dresses

Katherine Heigl is ever so popular!  Why, she has been asked to be a bridesmaid 27 times -- and has the dresses in her closet to prove it!  BUT as they say... three times a bridesmaid, never a bride.  Which, according to my calculations, means that Katherine is doomed to "never be a bride" nine times.  Oh, wasn't that joke funny?  Didn't think so.  Neither is the movie.

The Bounty Hunter

Imagine that, for two hours, you are forced to be chained to someone you loathe. Think of how much that would suck. Now you can imagine what sitting through The Bounty Hunter feels like.  Then add more suckage.  Even Gerard Butler's hotness can't do a thing for this car crash.

Superman III

In its defense, I think they were trying to make a cheesy movie.  It is laughably terrible.  According to one YouTuber, this is the best scene in the film. Make of that what you will.

The Three Musketeers

It's 1993, and you've got Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen and Chris O'Donnell in the same movie?  How could that possibly go wrong?  Well, I'm still not entirely sure, but let's just say it does.

Home Alone 4: Taking Back The House

Hey, we're back! Macaulay Culkin's been replaced, the parents have been replaced, Harry and Marv have been replaced (BY THE MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET), the siblings have been replaced, and oh yeah -- two siblings are (apparently) dead annnnd the parents are divorced.  Merry Christmas, you filthy screenwriters!


Hi.  I'm John Travolta.  I can do awesome things with my mind and inspire people and chay-ay-ange the world... BUT WAIT.  The real reason I'm so awesome is because I have brain tumor.  Gotta go die now, cya! 

Go ahead and defend any of the above. I don't care. Or add your own "scary movies" in the comments section! Let me know what I should avoid and never, ever put in my Qwikster Netflix queue.

1 comment:

Amy O. said...

I'm so glad that someone else didn't like 27 Dresses. By the time I saw it, I had heard so many people rave about it, but I thought it was awful and couldn't understand what everyone found so charming.