Glossy Time Capsules #38
House & Home
November, 1967
Here to give us a glimpse of a far out future... it's November 1967's House & Home!
House & Home was a magazine for builders trying to build dwellings people would want to buy, as well as for people looking to buy or remodel their own homes.
Apparently this necessitated a lot of ads featuring women who seem to have wandered into otherwise empty houses and have decided to stay a while...
]A half century before Rose Gold, we had Beige Blah, the perfect color for your towels, shower curtains, bath tile, or, dare I say it, ALL THREE.
Loretta knew she should at least pre-heat the oven and get something together for supper, but the lure of changing out the door inserts for the fifth time this week was too great. Thus her family was forced to eat PB&J yet again.
Wood paneling: the wall treatment you swear you'll never regret, the folly your grandkids will never let you forget.
"Don't mind me, I just wandered in off the street looking for the powder ro-- HELLO CERAMIC COUNTER TOPS!"
Hey, those aren't His and Hers tubs! That's a tub and a freaking sink! Dolores, you deserve the bigger tub! TAKE IT!
"Behold my plastic walls! My plastic smile! Yes, yes, my entire life is a lie!"
"Alice? Hello there, it's Phyllis! I've finally pulled it off! My outfit and my room decor absolutely match. It's uncanny, Alice! You simply must come for coffee and a chat. That is, IF you can even find me!"
There also seem to be a lot of ads for things I'm slightly confused about. Such as wood windows. Wouldn't those be difficult to see out of?
Hahaha, now I get it.
Okay, but here's another question: why?
I mean, I get why you'd want to keep food warm, but there are three empty stove burners, like, right there....
Okay, another question: If 98% of women wanted a hand shower...
...what did the other 2% want?
What were the other choices? Hand shower, fogless mirror, jar full of spiders, what?
Hmm.
Sometimes the questions just generate themselves...
I kind of like the color scheme below, but can we zoom in a little?
You know what? Let's never speak of this again.
What is going on in this ad? What is it even for?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
So practical. So convenient. Numerous late-night neighborhood shenanigans await.
"Mom! Please, let us in! We'll be good!"
"We're so hungry, Mommy! Please, just open the door!"
Good news, the housing crisis will soon be a thing of the past!
Meanwhile, even in 1967 douchebag millionaires were douchebagging.
Rest in peace, Ross Cortese. I know you didn't live to see the internet, but these days we have these things called search engines, and your #1 search engine result is FindaGrave.com! So that's fun.
Okay, sure.
"Well, Robin, it's just you and me again. I know I'm only nine, but I'm the boss of you while Mother and Father are out, so here are some ground rules. The decorative concrete lines are roads, and..."
Yeah, in 15 years it'll be 1982... and trust me when I say your regret will be severe.
Just your average set of guys in suits on a street corner, discussing dishwashers.
Nice handle-in-the-middle Hobbit cupboards, there.
Color of the year: AVOCADO.
Avocado held on for several years, as a matter of fact, and I fear its inevitable triumphant return circa 2028.
Hot water, cold water, speedometer, gas gauge... did I miss anything?
It's 1967, so put it everywhere. Well, maybe not the kitchen floor, as we know that's reserved for carpets.
Are you ready to embrace the NEW PRODUCTS of 1968?
Is it a refrigerator? Is it a wardrobe? What's behind door number one? Let's find ou-- AUGH! NO! CLOSE IT, QUICK!
So.
Much.
Wood.
1968 apparently brought us the delight known as foil wallcoverings. These are kind of brilliant. Especially in a bathroom -- it'll be years before you'll be able to notice you've got a mold problem!
Ah yes, and we know why they were incombustible. They won't kill you in one way, but they will in another! ☠
Hey, that looks like the toilet from Barbie's 1979 dreamhouse!
Well, this has been exhausting, but I can't end this without my favorite section, NEAT THINGS YOU SHOULD BUY!
Electric stairways!
Airless sprayers! (What are we spraying? Never mind!)
Combination library book drop and toaster!
Sad, flat zebras!
And with that, I'll say goodbye... for now.
