Glossy Time Capsules #3: Western Family - 1958

Glossy Time Capsules #3

Western Family

May, 1958

Price: 5 cents

There are a lot of food ads in this thing. Let's not wait one moment longer to appreciate them...

Question for people who lived through the decade: Was every food some shade of red? Because it certainly looks that way.

Heck yeah, a contest!

Prizes: A portable TV (by "portable" they apparently meant "liftable"), wall-to-wall Nyltweed carpet, even an egg poacher. 

Wait, what's Nyltweed?

I just Googled it.

Google replied with: Did you mean Nylt Weed?

I searched for Nylt Weed instead, and Google replied: 

Did you mean: 

not weed

nut weed

 salt weed?

Either Nyltweed is extinct, or Google just sucks.

Feature of the Month: Exclusive Gerber Offer: What Is A Baby?, by Rosemary Clooney, was a record of a poem that is now currently available on Youtube. You have to hear it.You will either be dazzled and want to run out and snag an infant, or be compelled to jet to the nearest hospital and have your reproductive parts removed entirely.

Like a thimble full of starshine. 

Please let me know what you decide.

Gee, Washington sounds swell! I guess the next time I try to go to the Portland Expo Center and wind up accidentally going across the bridge into that state, I'll try to appreciate my surroundings a little more.

Reader Letters! 

I'm only posting the two most interesting ones. The rest are all, "I like your magazine because it is good." People back then knew how to get published.

Oh, Dave...you could have had Kool-Aid!

Ouch, Arthur. 

I love this juxtaposition... 

1.Tater tots! The new awesome food! 

2. Woe! We, as a nation, eat horribly. Well, mostly housewives and teen-age girls. 

Feed them tater tots and all will be fine.

Articles!

Marriage Quiz!

Yay for Family Cooking! (Precursor to Everybody out of the kitchen. NOW.)

Mother-in-laws are the worst, yada yada....

Having her committed is the only way, Elizabeth...

F-f-f-fashion!

There's a lot of love for family pets in this magazine....

Oh wait, Pet Milk isn't... actually... for pets. 

Oookay.

Crafts....

Newfangled stuffs...

*A water-powered lawn and hedge trimmer? How is that... how does it... what if you... 

*A garage door opener triggered by driving over a rubber hose? Hmmkay.

*Windows that function as regular windows in the day time and as electric light sources at night... by 1960! Insert "The future looks bright!" joke here.

Unfunny Comic Ads!

It's time for another round of "Neat Stuff You Should Buy!"

Fasteeth vs. Klutch... who will be the victor in the denture market?

And a few more ads, for your enjoyment....

Obligatory "Posh Tissue" ad (seriously, is there one in every magazine?)

LANOLIN.

Holy heck, I'm reading the labels on my tissue before I buy any from now on.

And finally...

Alice from The Brady Bunch promotes smoking. My childhood is over.

I'm not joking. That's actually her.

Glossy Time Capsules #2: Family Circle - 1986

Glossy Time Capsules #2

Family Circle

December, 1986

Price: 95 cents

I tried to read "The Elf Who Almost Bungled Christmas," but a little piece of me died by the time I'd completed paragraph two. So sorry, no summaries here.

Here, have some Reagans instead!

Is there anything more inherently 80s than the Reagans?

Well, not counting any of these things....

Or these...

V.C.R. GAMES

from KAY-BEE.

 BEE still my heart!

Oh no, what's this?

Sacrilege. SMH.

I think there may be a JELL-O ad in every domestic magazine I possess.

Um....

Now when you say "borrow," you don't mean you're planning to give them back...?

Mmmm, Snickers.

Meanwhile, in Advice From Your Elders... I mean, Etiquette....

Risk offending your relatives? HAHAHAHA...

DO IT.

Uh huh. Say, what's that on the TV?

Interesting choice, ad company. No wonder both the kids are more interested in a frog on a string.

 Speaking of strings...

I reviewed this back in 2015 during my 30 Days Of Retro Toys feature. Such a shame this didn't catch on. Maybe the constant preaching in a squeaky voice was a turn-off for toddlers? Hear for yourself in this youtube video, and welcome to nightmare land.

And now, I present: Words never again seen in print after 1986...

Ah, Christmas, 1986....

Popples! Sweet Secrets! Pound Puppies! Fluppies!

I was actually thinking about those puppet dogs the other day. I had one. I may even still have one. Mine was brown with blue overalls and I think he came with a cloth bone.

Meanwhile, in 80s fashion...

I'm disappointed that her shoulder pads aren't bigger, here. Love the brooch, though.

1986 cigarette ads seemed to involve a lot of people not standing upright....

On a related note....

Sadly -- and yet unsurprisingly -- receiving an "I'm A Star" button mattered to absolutely no one. :( 

Oooh lala, Kleenex! You're too posh for my sneezes.

Yes. Here's what you should know....

Your baby is a demon!! RUNNNNN!!!!

Funshine Bear looks like he's going to come down and smack the girl.

(I really just Googled "Funshine Bear He Or She?" I found this. My life is now complete.)

It just wouldn't be Family Circle without CRAFTS!

Simultaneously noise-proof and turn your nursery into a fire trap in one easy afternoon!

Time for another round of "Neat Stuff You Should Buy!" -- 1986 Edition

And finally, a reminder than even 32-odd years ago, magazines that were supposedly there to entertain and encourage women still gave credence to crap like this....

Hey, discontented men? 

This one's for you.