Gen Y-er On The Loose: Glossy Time Capsules #18: Life

Glossy Time Capsules #18

Life

April, 1986

Price: $2.50

As I'm sure you're well aware by now, I enjoy looking through vintage magazines and making fun of the clothes, the hairstyles, the household products, and -- yes -- the hideous green bathroom carpets of yore.

But another thing I like to do is play a little game called Where Are These People Now? And thanks to the magical entity that IS the internet, I can quickly track down every last person who, 34 years ago, was gracing the pages of Life magazine, blissfully unaware that, in 2020, I'd be playing such a game.

And oh, how their lives have changed! From Princess Caroline to Joseph Kennedy II, from OJ Simpson to Helena "I Will Happily Chew All Your Scenery To Bits, And You Don't Even Have To Pay Me Extra" Bonham Carter, these folks have all gone through a lot in the past 34 years.

That's Life.

So we'll start with ads...

I'm pretty sure that kid on the left is Billy L. Sullivan, who was in a ton of commercials back then, including ads for McDonalds, Mrs. Butterworth, and Folger's.

And I'm not sure what this car ad was going for, here...

Todd: "Mark, I can't believe you showed up to our game in a dress shirt and tie!"

Mark: "Well, I can't believe YOU think short-shorts and knee socks are a good look!"

Todd: "I'm rocking the 80's, dude. Back me up here, Jeff. Doesn't Mark look ridiculous?"

Jeff: "Who cares? One of you parked their ugly car directly underneath our basketball hoop, and I find it HILARIOUS!"

Mark: "We lead critically sad lives."

Maybe it's me, but 1980's vans all seem to scream, "Give us a few years, and we'll totally be the getaway vehicle they're telling you about on the 11 o'clock news!"

THEY STILL MAKE THIS. AND IT IS DELICIOUS.

You'll notice this couple bought a second car, and the wife gets stuck with ALL the kids.

I love how the car is just running over the text. So badass.

What was with this fixation on Japan?

AUGH GIANT BABY RUN

Craig: "So, Tracie, is it true that your sister's going out with Justin?"

Roy: "I heard Justin's ex Amber used to date Trevor. What do you think of Trevor, Tracie?"

Tracie: "I think the forced smile on my face strongly suggests I would rather be literally anywhere else. Pass me another bottle."

I find it funny that no matter what decade it is, people want to both have amazing televisions... and find a way to hide them when necessary.

Montreal: apparently creepy AF.

And then we have the articles...

Sometimes these old magazines can be educational. For example, I'd never heard of the hijacking of TWA Flight 847.

This was one of the hostages, Peter Hill. After the ordeal, he let out years' worth of rage here, not only toward the perpetrators, but toward the other victims.

He chastised the other victims for such atrocities as doing what the terrorists told them to do, not being rude to the terrorists, and, oh yes, not showing extreme anger toward the terrorists.

I don't know, uh, maybe they were trying to stay alive???

See, I don't know how terrorists' minds work, but I have a feeling they're never going to be, like, "Gee, my hostages are being so disrespectful and rude to me! What's going on? Why don't they like me? Maybe I should let them go. Yes. That is what I'll do."

This guy died a few years after the ordeal.

Yikes. I just want to grab Sydney Simpson out of OJ's arms and hide her so that she doesn't have to experience the 90's.

Sigh.

What's Sydney Simpson up to now?

And how about Jessica Namath?

Does anybody care? Well, if you do, click.

Ursula K. Le Guin got even more awesome, and then died.

Joe Kennedy II DID get elected, and the kid on the right, one of his sons, also named Joe, later got elected himself!

This article, about the need for at-work daycare centers and/or subsidized childcare for working parents, is right in line with the articles from the 80s that were trying to tell us about global warming. Was the topic important, even back then? Yes. Have we solved the problem? Nope!

Princess Caroline, seen here in the most 1986 outfit imaginable, has had a very strange life indeed. The guy she's snuggling with here died in an accident in 1990. And I just spent half an hour reading about the lines of succession in Monaco. Frankly, I think the whole system is messed up.

Speaking of royals...

But where's Queen Elizabeth II now? (Asked no one.)

She's off being 93 somewhere in England, I suppose.

And speaking of Brits...

My preconceived notion that Helena Bonham Carter fell from the sky circa 1995 has been RUINED by this revelation that people knew who she was in 1986.

Well, I'd love to leave you with some pages of Neat Things You Should Buy, but alas, Life magazine fails in this regard! Instead, I'll leave you with a page of Neat Stuff You Could Win!

In this sweepstakes, sponsored by a cigarette company, you had to look at all the prizes and pick the one you wanted to possibly win before you sent in the form.

SO MANY CHOICES!

SO MANY UTTERLY RIDICULOUS CHOICES!