Molly Goes To The Hospital

Hey, so remember the MRI I had back in March? You didn't think I was going to (anti?-) Chekhov's Gun that on you, didya? NO WAY! I WOULD NEVER! So yeah, after I got put into that big creepy machine, the ninja magnets went to work, found some stuff what should not be in my cabeza, and as a result, THIS!

 Stay tuned for the exciting (ummm) narrative of the hospital stay!!

Oh shut up, I'm trying to make myself feel better, okay?

Read on if you desire. Please forgive any typos; most of this was written on my cell phone and emailed to myself and... yeah, it's just a little crazy.

---

Friday, May 4

There's something very wrong about this. I'm having surgery today, which means no work. Yet here it is, 6:50am, and I'm being woken earlier than usual. Plus I can't eat or drink until this is all over, so no morning coffee for me. So much for trying to trick myself into believing this is a mini vacation.CAFFEIIIENNEE?

9:15am

At the hospital now. Wearing a tacky green gown, blue booties, and -- what's this? A heated blanket? I must be in first class!

I.V. goes in (ew!)... and I go out like a light not long after they begin to wheel me toward the operating room.

Four hours pass instantaneously.

1:05pm

My throat's sore, I'm numb, I feel like I have the flu. But I'm awake. I'm in a big room with several other patients. One is moaning: "Owww... Owwww.... Owwww...." My pain I can handle, but this guy's gonna send me over the edge! Get me out of here!!

Half an hour later they wheel me to my own room, down dozens of corridors, even down an elevator (or maybe it was up? WHO KNOWS?)  I can now add "Rode an elevator while in bed" to my list of life accomplishments. :D

In my room, my mom is there and she's bought me a balloon. I feel like crap, but at least I've got a balloon to cheer me!

I've got these things on my calves that squeeze them a few times a minute, supposedly to improve my circulation, but all they really do is make it nigh impossible to fall asleep.

After the nurses all leave, I ask my mom to read aloud from a book I've brought. Its a fairly dull book, I knew this, that's why I brought it. Hope it'll put me to sleep. It doesn't.

3:00pm

I am allowed to order snacks off a "clear liquids" menu, which includes jello, broth, etc. Veggie broth and strawberry sorbet come my way. Delicious. I keep it all down. Meanwhile my face is still numb, and the side they operated on, I can not wink. At least not now. This is an odd sensation. I also can't grin on that side. If this doesnt clear up I'm going to look an awful lot like Two-Face (minus the burns, of course.)

4:00pm

My mom heads home for a few hours.  I watch Princess Diaries 2 on cable. What a train wreck. The sun begins to make its descent, glaring through the window and right into my eyes. I can not reach the curtains and so I try to adjust the height of my bed to avoid it but nothing helps. I do not call a nurse for help with this for whatever reason. I spend over an hour perusing a new, three-page menu that has arrived. Because I kept down my sorbet and broth, I am being permitted to order solids. Only... everything looks good, and deciding is tough. Finally I pick up the phone and order milk, orange sorbet, vanilla pudding, and -- being brave -- a veggie sandwich. This turns out to be perfect because it is soft and can be eaten in small bites. Also, being a colder item, it doesn't matter that it takes me an hour to eat it all.

7:00pm

My mother has returned, and we watch Jeopardy (Teen Tournament, Day 5!) and Wheel of Fortune (Portland edition FTW!) I find out from a nurse that the pain meds I was given earlier for a minor headache contained oxycodone. Wtf, hospital? That's like putting an ace bandage on a papercut. I don't need that! Also, this is about the fifth nurse I've had. I'm beginning to realize that Stacey McGill's hospital narrative in Stacey's Emergency was pretty darn accurate.

9:00pm

It is time for me to rest, but I'm not tired. A little loopy, yes, but sleepy, no. Still, my mom heads home for the night. I look forward to the morning, when I can spend another hour reading the "solids" menu, ordering what is sure to be a breakfast of champions (or of the ravenous.)

Saturday, 5:00am

Guh, what a lousy night. I was woken by prying medical professionals at 10, 11, 11:30, 12:15, and supposedly 4:15 though I don't actually recall that last one occurring. Except for the nurses and some occasional loud thumps from the hallway, it has been quiet, though. As for those thumps, I like to imagine it's due to a patient trying to escape, being chased by orderlies, knockng down equipment galore.

11:00am

So I've got this tube in me, and the doctor says I have to keep it in till Tuesday! Ughhh! Its uncomfortable, not to mention just plain gross!

I had a good breakfast. I ordered pears, custard, red potatoes, a muffin, and breakfast tea. But they sent a breakfast sandwich instead of the tea. Okay. For lunch I've requested a veggie burger, peaches, coffee cake, coffee, and milk. I feel like I'm in a restaurant where everything's free. Deep down, I know it all comes at a price. Even with insurance, I know my hospital stay bills are going to send me through the roof. Oh well. Think about that later. Time for cake!

1:00pm

Releasement! Home now. Still a bit unsteady. Hate this drain thing. Not tired, so can't even escape to lala land. 2/3 cats are being affectionate. Riker's holding out. He's kind of a snob that way.

Monday, May 7, 5:00pm

I guess I'm feeling a little better, 72+ hours after surgery. I can get up and walk around by myself. I can turn my head.  Left-side winking's still an issue, as is eyebrow-raising, thus limiting my ability to make evil faces. My ability to whistle is slowly coming back, much to the delight of my cats (and the disdain of everybody else.) I'm rocking a minor headache and I still have the tube, but it comes out tomorrow morning.

I'm keeping busy. Watching the Harry Potter movies, subjecting myself to one of the later-but-not-greater Baby-Sitters' Club books (for old times sake! What?!) and watching youtube videos galore.

Friday, May 11, 11:00pm

Each day has gotten a little better... and yet worse. On one hand, I'm up more. I put together a 24-page scrapbook for a vacation I took 4 years ago. This took 2 days. Might be a record. Finished the BSC book. Decided it was pretty terrible; will review it soon. (You're welcome.) I've been out in public a few times and no one has Wilhelm Screamed at me. I've had some dizziness and shaking. A certain lovable 6-year-old told me my face looked weird. (Well... it does.) The tube came out Tuesday and the stitches yesterday. I have a huge scar, from the top of my ear to my lower cheek. At least that can be covered by my hair. Not much can be done about the leftern side of my face, though. The nerve that controls things like eyebrow raising and grinning IS coming back... at a snail's pace. Normality should be back by now but it's not. My doctor is concerned. He's put me on steroids. I'm on my way toward being the next American Gladiator!

Saturday, May 12, 11:00pm

Thus ends this narrative, though my journey through the medical wonderland is not yet complete. More on that in a few weeks, perhaps. Or maybe just more Goofy Baby Ads and Kixia, Tropes and TV-Movie reviews. We shall see.