Gen Y-er On The Loose

More Baby Naming With Kixia!

2012-01-29T13:19:00.000-08:00

Hello, my lovelies! I have returned, as always with the noble goal of helping parents, parents-to-be, and people who really want to have a baby someday, to name their offspring. So throw those Baby Name books aside and stop trolling the forums of mybabysnameiscoolerthanyourbabys.com and take a look at the latest batch of letters and emails I've received. Perhaps they will inspire you in your choices. And remember, naming your baby is, without a doubt, the most important thing you will ever do. Give a child the perfect name, and she will pretty much raise herself.

Dear Kixia,

My husband Hector and I are having our 14th child, hoping someday to have our own reality show. Our children all have H-names; however, we semi-regret going with this letter because we are beginning to run out of options. Our thirteen current children are: Hector Jr., Hilary II, Haley, Hunter, Heidi, Henrietta, Harry, Hermione, Harvey, Holden, Hugh, Heaven, and Hannah.

We've looked at our other options, and they include such cringe-worthy names as Hortense, Homer, Heathcliff, and Hirschell. Can you give us some suggestions? Our dog (Hugo) ate the Baby Name book and we are at a loss.

Yours Truly,

Hilary

Springfield, IL

Hilary,

I would be happy to help! I am rather fond of the letter H, and hold it in quite high regard. I notice you've named two subsequent children "Harry" and "Hermione". A Harry Potter fan, perhaps? Then look no further than that series for your inspiration: "Hagrid" for a boy, or "Hedwig" for a girl! Oh yes, Hedwig! Let us celebrate literature's dearest bird! May her feathery legacy live on through your baby!

But be careful, my dear: Avoid "Hippogriff", "Helga Hufflepuff," "Half-Blood Prince," and "Hallows" (Deathly or otherwise). These names would not be pleasing in any sense, even if you do nurse a strong affection for one Mr. Severus Snape (as I do, but that is a subject for another time.)

-Kixia

Dear Kixia,

I'm due in three months and I want to give my baby girl a name that is not popular NOW, but will be popular in the NEAR FUTURE, so that when it becomes popular, people will think that I started the trend and be all, you know, impressed. Except how can I tell what names are going to be popular in a couple of years? I tried going to a fortune teller, but she suggested the name "Ingeborg," so now I'm back to square one. I thought, if anyone, YOU could help me! So HELP!

Desperate,

Suzann

Denver, CO

Suzann,

First off, congratulations! I LOVE the spelling of your name! It is unique and yet not impossible to pronounce! Second off, congratulations on your pregnancy, and guess what, sister, I CAN help you!

The trick is to look at the popular names lists from the United Kingdom. I recently took a trip to jolly old England, and I can say with some authority that they are very avant garde there (powdered wigs nonwithstanding.) Paris and Milan may be the trendsetters when it comes to fashion, but those Brits are well-known for their baby-naming prowess, and often set the stage for what names will be popular in the U.S. in years to come.

So. First we must look at a list of the most popular girl names in the U.K. for the year 2011; then we must cross off any name that ALSO appears on the U.S. list for 2011 (only, alas, the U.S. is behind the U.K. in that aspect as well; the Social Security Administration's most recent list is from 2010. Sigh, I suppose it will have to do. Now where was I? Oh yes, crossing out names.)

1. ~~Lily~~ 2. ~~Emily~~ 3. ~~Isabella~~ 4.~~Sophia~~ 5. Isabelle 6. ~~Sophie~~ 7. ~~Olivia~~ 8. ~~Ava~~ 9. ~~Chloe~~ 10. Isla 11. ~~Amelia~~ 12. ~~Jessica~~ 13. ~~Grace~~ 14. Evie 15. ~~Charlotte~~ 16. ~~Ella~~ 17. ~~Mia~~ 18. ~~Lucy~~ 19. Freya 20. Ruby 21. Holly 22. Ellie 23. ~~Hannah~~ 24. ~~Emma~~ 25. ~~Abigail~~ 26. Megan 27. ~~Jasmine~~ 28. Daisy 29. Matilda 30. Erin 31. Poppy 32. Imogen 33. Maisie 34. ~~Layla~~ 35. Phoebe 36. ~~Eva~~ 37. ~~Molly~~ 38. ~~Maya~~ 39. Scarlett 40. Annabelle 41. Alice 42. Sienna 43. Amelie 44. Lola 45. Caitlin 46. Amy 47. ~~Madison~~ 48. Katie 49. ~~Zoe~~ 50. Florence 51. Elisabeth 52. Amber 53. Summer 54. Rosie 55. Emilia 56. Rebecca 57. ~~Leah~~ 58. ~~Evelyn~~ 59. Millie 60. Esme 61. Eleanor 62. Willow 63. Georgia 64. Zara 65. Lacey 66. ~~Anna~~ 67. Rose 68. Lexie 69. Eliza 70. ~~Lauren~~ 71. ~~Bella~~ 72. Elsie 73. Eloise 74. Isobel 75. ~~Sarah~~ 76. Martha 77. Keira 78. ~~Faith~~ 79. Niamh 80. Gracie 81. ~~Gabriella~~ 82. Skye 83. Harriet 84. ~~Kayla~~ 85. ~~Alyssa~~ 86. ~~Maria~~ 87. Nicole 88. Nina 89. ~~Paige~~ 90. Kate 91. Orla 92. Bethany 93. Iris 94. ~~Alexandra~~ 95. ~~Sofia~~ 96. Lilly 97. Isabel 98. Hollie 99. Annabel 100. Laila

There are many names remaining, and so, let's look at some of our options.

#19 - Freya - A beautiful name; however, to be avoided if you have the last name "Tuck."

#79 - Niamh - Aye, 'tis an Irish name! Very now. However, no one will ever pronounce it correctly (it's NEEV, can you believe it?) So that is something to consider.

#62 - Willow - The world has not yet seen its fill of Willow "I Whip My Hair Back And Forth" Smith, and I see this name catching on in popularity in the years to come.

#91 - Orla - Of course, there are exceptions to any rule. AVOID.

Best of luck,

Kixia

Dear Kixia,

My husband and I are trying to decide on a name for our baby boy, due in February. We want a UNIQUE name because we really don't want him to be, like, one of 9 "Aidan"s in his Kindergarten class, you know what I mean? But every time I think of a name that I think nobody's ever thought of, and I google it, there's the name. Someone's thought of it. It is SO ANNOYING. Help me pick a unique name that no one's ever thought of!

-Joeleen

Seattle, WA

Joeleen,

Well, I'm afraid as soon as I suggest a name for you on here, hundreds of parents will latch onto it and use it, therefore defeating the purpose entirely. So while I will refrain from giving you an actual name, I will point you in the right direction. Hint: CELEBRITIES. Yes, celebrities are notorious for choosing unique (and some will call them "strange") names for their recently-born. Take a look at some of the monikers that have made their debut in recent years:

Pirate, Zeppelin, Sunday, Satchel, Petal, Sparrow, Bronx, Camera, Denim, Banjo, Rocket, Audio Science, Thyme, and Moon Unit.

What do all these names have in common? They are nouns. Somewhat ordinary, everyday nouns that don't have a lot of meaning... UNTIL we bestow them upon our precious babies IN WHICH CASE they are suddenly amazing, as in: "Teapot is a fabulous name for a child! Why did I never think of it? I use a teapot every day! It sits on my stove! It seemed so ordinary. AND YET IT IS BRILLIANT!"

So go now, take a look around your home, and make a list of objects that you see, and surely you will be able to come up with a name that no one has ever thought of before. And, if in doubt, add in a couple of extra letters: (ie: "Lammpshayde") to make extra sure.

-Kixia

Dear Kixia,

My wife and I are at an impasse. Help us decide: Which is best: "y", "ey", "ie", "i", "ee" or "eigh"?

Gratefully,

Doug

Portland, OR

Doug,
No doubt about it -- "Eigh" is the far superior of the letter combinations. Some people say "less is more," but I do not agree when it comes to baby-naming, no indeed. Look at how beautiful "eigh" looks and dare to disagree!

Carleigh

Ameigh

Triniteigh

Brittneigh

"Eigh" is like a warm bubblebath. Those other letters can go away. Henceforth I shall be known as Keighxeigha! (But it will still be pronounced Kee-sha, mind you.)

Keshia Knight Pulliam, my idol

So there you have it.

-Kixia

Got something to say?

2012-01-19T16:39:00.001-08:00

On my drive home today I heard a siren, saw an ambulance going the opposite way on a busy street, and pulled over (as is the law of our good nation.)

A car in front of the ambulance, instead of pulling to the right, kind of shimmied to the left... giving the ambulance room to pass on the right. I don't know what happened. Maybe the driver just got flustered. Wailing sirens and flashing lights can be discombobulating things.

That is when I suddenly heard an angry, amplified male voice blurt: "This is where you pull to the right, not cut me off!"

Wow. Pissy ambulance driver ahoy! I mean, did he really have to say it like THAT? Okay, sure, he's just trying to save a life... and he probably has to deal with people making poor (or flustered, or selfish) traffic decisions day after day. Maybe he finally just snapped. Still, it seemed a bit harsh.

Meanwhile, I didn't know ambulances had loudspeakers. But there you go. The drivers must need to yell at traffic a lot. Sirens just aren't good enough anymore. A siren basically just says: "Yield, please! Mozy on over to the shoulder!" But a loudspeaker, oh, a loudspeaker can tell those jerks what's what, and tell it to 'em GOOD!

As I continued my drive home, my mind began to whirl. "What if EVERY vehicle had one of those?" Yelling across traffic would be so much more effective than honking, which, if you think about it, can be pretty ambiguous. You never know if the person honking at you is trying to kindly alert you to something, or if they're mad at you, or if you're going too slow, or if there's a possum on your roof. But with loudspeakers on every car, just think of the wonderful communicating we'd be able to accomplish! Now, when somebody cuts you off, you can not ONLY let them know they are a big fat monkey rump, but you can let everyone within a 200-foot radius know AS WELL! Let the communication floodgates open!

Or, you know, don't.

The "Lost" Tooth (And Other Tall Tales)

2012-01-09T00:25:00.000-08:00

I knocked out my first tooth at age three. Stupid accident, but there it was -- a big 'ol gap on top that made me look at least three years older. And sure, the tooth fairy came, and I got a penny or something (times were tough), but in my mind, that one didn't really count. That tooth hadn't wriggled for days, hung on by a thread, and finally fallen into my baloney sandwich. No. It'd just come out - BOOM - and that was it.

My first grade year, everyone was losing teeth. Everyone except me. Our teacher had this chart on the wall, and I don't even remember what it looked like or what all went into it; all I remember is that if you lost a tooth at school, you got recognized somehow. Like, I dunno, she wrote your name on the chart. Wheee! But I was so jealous of the kids who got to be on the chart. None of my teeth were even remotely loose. What was I to do?

FAKE IT, OF COURSE!

I would like to state, for the record, that the Great Lost Tooth Deception of 1987 was not premeditated. It was too stupid to be so. It was just like this: One day, I was out on the playground, playing around the storm drain. I mean, yeah, sure, we had swings, we had monkey bars, but I preferred the ~~ghetto~~ simpler things in life. So I was playing on the ground, and there were all these rocks, and one of them was white, like a tiny tooth. It was even shaped like a first-grader-sized baby tooth. At first I just thought it was funny, this tooth-looking little rock. But then I decided to pursue a nagging thought in my evil little mind. Pretend this is MY TOOTH. Tell my teacher I lost it!

And that's precisely what I did. I don't remember what she said or if I got my name on the chart at all. You'd think I would. You'd think that'd be important. But what sticks out in my mind the most is going home that day and telling my mom I'd lost a tooth. Seriously. It was like by that point, I'd tricked myself into believing it had ACTUALLY HAPPENED. But my mom was smart. She knew I hadn't had any loose teeth. She knew how these things worked. She wanted to see the hole, the gap where the tooth had been.

Uh....

And then it was all over. The jig was up. The tooth/rock went away, and we never spoke of it again.

Even though this was the only time (that I recall) that I ever tried to fake a lost body part, there were many other instances of deception when I was a little kid. Years 6 and 7 were the worst. I think I just wanted my life to be interesting, or at least sound more interesting than it really was.

I told one of my friends that my parents were divorced (WHICH IS TERRIBLE!). At church (CHURCH! I KNOW!) the other kids always had the Sunday School teacher pray for their pets, and I didn't have any pets (but oh, I wanted some), so I fabricated a family of guinea pigs for the Lord to watch over. I was jealous of people who had nicknames, so I told people that my full name was actually Mollina. I told people whatever I wanted to be true, and had really no idea how stupid I sounded or how wrong that was.

But I grew out of it, thank goodness. Coincidentally, or perhaps not, I stopped being such a little liar around age 8, and that's the same year I got into creative writing. It was like something finally clicked -- that fakery and wackiness belongs on the page alone. I'm not saying I never told another lie as long as I lived -- I've told many. But, for the most part, they've been slightly less ridiculous. Still shameful, yes... woe... but less ridiculous.

I'm a teacher now, and a few years back I encountered a first grader who told ridiculous, outlandish lies. I will never understand what prompted her to insist that she had thirteen grandfathers and that her family did not know what birthday cake was, for they celebrated their holidays with the traditional Birthday Buffalo. Because at least my stories could have been true (except for maybe Mollina, because who names their kid that? Don't answer that.) Did that little girl really believe what she was saying? Did she speak with conviction, like I did at age six, as if the crazy stories I was telling weren't crazy, but real? And should I have told her straight-up that she was a liar? I mean, really, it's been, like, seven years, and I still think about that kid and want to throw a tomato at her.

And that's the truth.

And the rest...

2012-01-01T15:49:00.000-08:00

Happy new year! Today I present you with the third and final list of 2011 Commemorwhatever. I've already talked about TV shows and theatrical viewings. Now it's all about movies I watched in a non-theater setting. There were some strange ones this year. I've even written about a few of them (John Adams, Gladiator) here. But there are more....

Anne Of Green Gables (1934) - So I'm watching this charming little black & white film and it's following the novel quite nicely. Sure, they've combined the Rachel Lynde and Mrs. Barry characters, but that's no big deal. Why have I heard this film is unfaithful to the novel? I'm really not seeing it... Oh hey, here's Gilbert! There's Anne whacking his head with a slate. There's them acting coy around one another. There's them falling in love and having a secret forbidden affair ...wait WHAT?! If that's not bizarre enough, get this: when Marilla finds out about it, she rubs it in Anne's face that she and Matthew did her a favor taking her pathetic orphan self in, and how dare she betray them? Guilt-ridden, Anne and Gilbert break things off, but are happily reunited a few years later. But by that point I'm beyond caring. Who are these people?!?

Alice In Wonderland (2010) - Tim Burton has always been a bit wacky. Back in the day, people appreciated the wackiness, even expected it. So he tried, it seemed, with each successive film, so push the envelope just a little further. Then there was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He adapted a Roald Dahl book. Roald Dahl was wacky. Burton made Dahl look like a tweed-donning professor of anthropology. Burton simply could not, by the laws of nature, get any kookier, but by gum, he tried anyway. Behold Alice In Wonderland. To use a Wonka analogy, remember the Everlasting Gobbstoppers? Suck, suck, suck, and nothing ever happens? Yeah, it was like that.

WALL-E - I enjoyed it a lot. I appreciate the fact that I've managed to watch most Pixar movies for the first time without knowing anything about them in advance (besides the obvious, ie "WALL-E equals robot.") WALL-E was full of surprises, from a rather important social message to some fun nostalgic throwbacks.

The Phantom (2009) - So there was a Phantom movie in 1996 and it was set in the 30s. This one is set in 2009, and there's a new actor playing the title character, but it totally doesn't feel like a reboot because, well, unlike Superman or Spiderman, there isn't just one Phantom. For hundreds of years, it's been the same - when one Phantom dies, his son takes over the purple suit. So it's easy to believe that 2009's Phantom is the actual great-grandson of the other one. If only this new guy could've retained Billy Zane's uber-hotness gene. Oh well.

The Social Network - I really wouldn't have cared if this movie had won the Oscar over The King's Speech; I thought they were equally compelling. TSN is more fast-paced, and the whole time I was bouncing back and forth betweening rooting for the main character and thinking Wow, what a jerk. Jerk, perhaps, but a brilliant one, and it's fascinating watching a project start from merely an idea and become something so huge. Facebook may have it's faults, but let's face it, even your grandma is probably on it. That's huge.

Inception - I was so keen on liking this movie. Leonardo DiCaprio, Christopher Nolan... and dreaming. I love dreaming. And maybe because of that, I was disappointed. The film could've gone so many places, and yet... it didn't bother to do much of anthing a dozen other recent movies hadn't already done. The movie also confused a lot of people; I was only confused as to why the film got such high praise. It was a puddle of potential, populated with Batman-franchise refugees. Let's try to do better next time, Mr. Nolan.

Cinetopia

2011-12-28T22:39:00.000-08:00

Aaaand we're back. 'Tis time for some more list insanity to celebrate the dusking of 2011. This time it's a much shorter list: Movies I Saw In Theaters This Year. We're talking super-short. Goblinesque. But enough riffraff, let us commence:

Movies I Saw In Theaters This Year

1. The Chronicles Of Narnia: Voyage Of The Dawn Treader - So Prince Caspian is hot. Good movie.

2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 - You know which Harry Potter character is hot? Oliver Wood. Know who's not in this movie? Oliver Wood. But that's not what made me cry. Oh Snape, you crazy fool....

3. Puss In Boots - Kittehs!!!1 Adorable little romp. (Also: much better than Shrek.)

4. Muppets - As much as I enjoy the Muppets themselves, I've never LOVED any of their films. This was good, not great. Maybe it needed more Rowlf.

5. The King's Speech - OMG DARCY AND ELIZABETH WERE REUNITED AGAIN!!! Ummm hi?

6....

Well, I told you it was short.

Adieu.

The Tube

2011-12-21T22:50:00.000-08:00

Well, 2011 is coming to a close. And I'm sure you know what that means! Yep, it means it's time for me (and you!) to start producing an obscene amount of lists. I know, I hate it too, but end-of-the-year listmaking is tradition, and I'll be darned if you try to mess with tradition. Especially around Christmastime. Do you want to make the Baby Santa cry?

I didn't think so.

So here's my first list to commemorate the ending of 2011: TV Shows I Watched This Year. This includes broadcast, cable, and on-demand shows, as well as stuff I gleaned from Netflix.

TV Shows I Watched This Year

Community - The quirkiest, savviest, goofiest, most absurd TV show on the air right now. Says I. It cracks me up week after week. Thursday nights, NBC, 8pm. Except NBC has just put it on hiatus. Meanwhile, Whitney lives on. And there is no justice in the world, etc. etc.

Raising Hope - This is made by the same people who brought us My Name Is Earl, a show I also enjoyed. Martha Plimpton (THE GOONIES!) plays a grandmother. If that doesn't set you up for what kind of wackiness abounds here, well... just watch it and see. It's a clever little half-hour gem.

Castle - Okay, so it's formulaic to the max, but somehow I don't mind watching Nathan Fillion do roughly the same thing week after week.

Burn Notice - Jeffrey Donovan, who I've been crushing on for the past 14 years, plays an ex-spy who, along with Bruce Campbell (!) kicks some bootie in Florida. It's a fun romp. I'm only into, like, season two and there are five or more now... but I'll get caught up eventually!

Parking Wars - Who knew that watching the daily rituals of meter maids, booters, and towing company employees could be so fascinating? But really, this show makes the job seem kinda fun -- so long as you can avoid being beaten up by angry Philadelphians.

America's Next Top Model - In the past, I've really enjoyed this show. It's utterly ridiculous and hypocritical, but also entertaining. But this past season was an All-Stars season, and A) I'm really tired of reality shows doing all-star versions. Enough with the people we've seen before. And B) The focus of the show changed. And then one day, mid-season, they took things far, far down Ridiculousness Road. We're talking "past the point of no return." They forced the contestants to write their own pop song and do a music video for it. AND they made a rule that the song had to have the phrase "Pot Ledom - That's Top Model backwards!" in it.

POT LEDOM.

And that's when my soul left for Barcelona.

Toddlers & Tiaras - Another utterly ridiculous guilty pleasure. If you've only ever heard of the show, you may think it's about a bunch of bratty kids and their overindulgent parents. Yeah, some episodes are about those types. But there are actually a lot of perfectly normal kids involved, and plenty of INSANE PARENTS. If you can even call them parents. I saw one ep recently where the pageant mom cheerfully admitted that she had children in the first place so she'd have someone to enter in pageants. Lord help us all.

Cash & Cari - A self-proclaimed "treasure broker", Cari from Michigan runs estate sales and repurposes old furniture and other items. I love going to estate sales, so it makes sense I would also like watching a show about them. It's cool taking a peek into other people's homes and seeing what they collected. And no, it's not creepy at all... why, does it sound like it is?

Auction Hunters - There are a lot of auction shows out there right now, but my favorite is Auction Hunters, in which two guys go to storage locker auctions and bid on ones that look good at a minutes' glance. Then they get to dig through the units they've won and see what kind of treasures are lurking. While the show generally only covers the units in which they score big (which they admit are rare), it's fun to watch. I live vicariously through those two!

Pawn Stars - Another "treasure" show, this one mostly focuses on people coming into the pawn shop to sell their supposedly valuable items. Half the time the items turn out to be genuine, the rest of the time, the patrons leave swearing up a storm. It's neat.

American Pickers - Mike and Frank drive across America with a van, picking up junk and goodies out of backroad barns and backyards. It's as much a "treasure" show as it is a show about people. I wish I had the guts and gusto to do that sort of thing.

Switched at Birth - Two teenage girls -- one, a rich brat (Bay), the other, a ghetto-dwelling deaf girl (Daphne) -- discover that they were switched at birth. Daphne and her mother and grandmother end up moving into the guest house of Bay's family. Complications ensue. It's really a neat show that raises a lot of questions and deals with family and friendship issues. It's surprisingly well-done -- except for the acting. In true ABC Family tradition, you kind of want to strangle 70% of the actors. Even Lea Thompson, who I love from the Back to the Future films, grates on my last nerve. But it's still worth watching.

Drop Dead Diva - I've barely gotten into this show, but I like what I've seen so far. Two women die on the same day, and one comes back to life in the other's body. Only it's a much larger body than she's used to. Cool concept, and I love the main actress.

Pan Am - This is actually a brand-new show on ABC, and I really enjoy it. It's about a group of Pan Am stewardesses and pilots, and is set in the 60s. At first I thought it couldn't be very interesting if every episode is about a plane ride, but I was pleased to discover they spend only part of the time on the plane and the rest in exotic locations. I love the time period; I wasn't around in the 60s, but it feels authentic.

7 Up - 49 Up - This is an older show that is now available on Netflix. Back in the 60's, a filmmaker interviewed a dozen or so children, asking them questions about their lives, families, friends, wishes, and dreams. Seven years later, he talked to them again. Then seven years later. With each episode, we watch the "children" age and change. Some get married, some get divorced, some have children, some spiral downhill, some make a comeback, some leave the project altogether. But the ones that stick around become like old friends. It's a fascinating series.

Portlandia - My first thought upon hearing about this was: "A show about Portland?! What do THEY know about my hometown?" I didn't know it was going to be a sketch comedy show reminiscent of Kids In The Hall. I found it highly amusing -- not because it satirizes PDX (one could argue it satirizes artsy, booksy hipsters everywhere) -- but because it's just plain funny.

Places I've Never Been

2011-12-19T22:37:00.000-08:00

Just about everyone I know has been to Europe or Africa or Asia or South America.

I have yet to leave North America.

And, in fact, I haven't even set foot in New England. Or New York City. Or our nation's capital.

But I hope to remedy that someday. Or maybe next summer.

So here it is: a list of places I want to visit. Not all at once, of course. But someday. And as I visit them, I will come back here and cross them off. Or put a :) next to them. We'll see.

You may think some of these places are strange choices. You may also think a few places are missing from this list. Feel free to make suggestions. But this is what I have so far:

Places I Want To Go/Places I've Never Been

Tivoli Gardens and Legoland in Denmark

Disneyland Paris in France

England: London and surrounding towns, Hadrian's Wall, Sherwood Forest (uh, sensing a theme?), places of my ancestors' birth (Shelton, Exeter, Taunton, Chesham, Brushford, Shalford, Essex, Giggleswick, Hatton), and the WB Studios.

Glasgow

Toronto

San Diego Zoo

Massachusetts: Boston, Concord, Walden Pond

New York City: Central Park, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Niagara Falls

Washington D.C.

Connecticut

Vermont

New Hampshire

Nova Scotia

New Brunswick

Amsterdam: especially the Anne Frank house

Gibraltar

Belgium

Salzburg, Austria

Venice, Italy

Wingardium Leviosa

2011-12-06T00:02:00.000-08:00

I'm in the midst of rereading the Harry Potter series for the first time in maybe four years. In that span, three HP films have been released. I've seen all the movies twice or more, save for the very last one, which made me cry, darnit. CRY! Actually, that isn't that big a deal. Lots of movies make me cry. Pollyanna, for one. Glad game? More like SAD game, amirite?

Anyway, the HP movies are good enough, but it has always bugged me how different they are from the books. It rarely bothers me when I'm watching the movie... Okay, yes, sometimes I'll be sitting there going, NOOO! Why is that DIFFERENT?? But usually, it's when I'm rereading the book after seeing its celluloid counterpart that I start to get my mittens in a twist.

I've just finished with book 5 and I think this is the worst so far... for having changed things from page to screen, I mean. Movie 4 certainly cuts a lot of rubbish out of book 4, streamlines things -- and thank goodness for that, because Hermione's obsession with the welfare of house elves is disconcerting at best -- but movie 5 just... rips apart the book. It was as if the filmmakers said, "Nice premise, Rowling, but we think we know how to tell a story just a leeetle better than you do!" I get it; books and movies are not the same. But boy is movie 5... off.

Here are a few of the differences that I noticed:

In the movie, Harry (inadvertently) reverses the legimency spell on Snape to see his traumatic teenage memories. In the book, Harry uses the pensieve when Snape gets called out of his office and that's how he sees the memories.

In the movie, Harry and Hermione lead professor Umbridge to Grawp the giant; then the centaurs show up and chase her off. In the book, Hermione leads them to the centaurs, not Grawp, and once she realizes THAT was a mistake, Grawp comes along and the centaurs scatter (but they still take Umbridge, hehe.)

In the movie, Hagrid barely mentions his travels to see the giants. In the book, there's half a chapter devoted to his adventures.

In the movie, Cho Chang betrays Dumbledore's Army, but later we learn that it was because she was fed truth serum. In the book, it's Cho's friend who betrays them, truth serum has nothing to do with it, and Cho is really, really annoying.

In the movie, as I recall, there isn't any Quidditch. In the book, Ron tries out for keeper and makes it but he's really bad (they explored this in movie six instead). At one of the Quidditch matches, Harry and one of the Weasley twins are provoked by Draco Malfoy and beat him up, and as a result have their broomsticks confiscated by Umbridge and are banned from Quidditch "for life". I mention this, not because I particularly like Quidditch scenes, but because there are SO many in book five, it seems very strange to have all them left out of the movie.

In the movie, there is little or no mention of Percy. In the book, he's a huge gitasode, he leaves the Weasley family over their differences, and they don't reconnect for like two years.

I could keep going, but A) I sound like a nerd, B) I'm sure someone else on the internet has already done their dissertation on this very subject and has covered it in much more depth than I ever could, and C) seriously, I need to stop being nitpicky and just try to enjoy things.

And so I'm off to read book six...

2011-11-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

Playgrounds, November 11th

2011-11-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

Antique Show Creepshow! (Halloween Blog Part 2)

2011-10-31T11:46:00.000-07:00

I love going to estate sales and antique shows, but let's face it, there's some creepy stuff out there. The eeriest of items usually fit into one of four categories:

-Toys that used to be quite normal-looking but have deteriorated over time.

-Items that were designed to be creepy (ie scary masks.)

-Things that were generally acceptable back in their day, but freak out modern shoppers because we just don't know how to deal with them.

-Plastic-faced dolls that look to the side.

So yesterday I went to the tri-annual antique show at the Portland Expo Center, where I came across many things to fit the above examples. Below is a photo gallery for your ~~nightmare fuel~~ enjoyment.

The thing that gets me about this bunny is that it is an actual toy that was designed for actual children to actually play with. I mean, what the h?

Annnd it gets worse. Augh. Ever since I watched Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders I've been frightened of chiming monkeys. (And Ernest Borgnine, but can you blame me??) Meanwhile, what exactly do they mean by "multi-Action?" It claps, and....? Oh no, please, PLEASE NO!

"Honey, can I get you a cup of coffee this fine morning?"
"Sure, dear!"
"In a mug?"
"Sounds good."
"Here you go."
"Mmm, nothing like a good cuppa joe t--WHAT THE FRIGGIDY FUDGE!?!?!?!??!"

"Why hello, Grimace! I, Ronald McDonald, can see that you are riding a merry-go-round, but I can ALSO see that you are thirsty, and so I will come aboard and pour you a cup of boiling hot coffee! And the fry guy will watch. Won't that be just grand?"

"I'm a little teapot, sick and twisted..."

Dolls. Nuff said.

Buxom dolls.

Dolls and owls.

Bare dolls.

Once upon a time this doll may have been loved. But now her hair is fried, her eyes have fallen back in her head, she's naked and she's holding out her hand in a desperate gesture. You may ask yourself, What happened to this poor doll? But a better question might be, Why is this for sale??

Lollipops are all well and good. It's when you throw that extra "L" in the second part that things get iffy.

Happy HalloDEATH!

Can you spot the possessed kittycat?

This is the kind of bathroom where toilet seat covers and a travel-sized can of Lysol are a must.

Why is this creepy? It's got something to do with the juxtaposition of the mother bear bottle-feeding her cub while next to her is another bear's head on a pole. Although that might be a mouse, and that might even be a lamp, but still. Something's just not right.

"Scary" Movies (Halloween Blog Part 1)

2011-10-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

Want to watch a movie this Halloween that'll leave you haunted, depressed, and frightened out of your writs? Forget ghosts, vampires, zombies, and werewolves... those are sooo cliche. Get on board with TERRIBLE MOVIES instead!

Here are some recommendations from the one- and two-star section of my Netflix Ratings History. I'm not saying there is nothing redeeming about these films. All I'm saying is that I will never go near them again.

Annnnd spoiler alerts, because... I spoil stuff

Annie Get Your Gun

What makes a good musical? An interesting story? Great lyrics? Tolerable characters? Whoops, missed the boat on that last one: yikes. I get that there are people out there who love this musical. I also get that those people and I can never be friends.

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

What could be worse than hiring a creepy-looking actor to play an Oompa Loompa? How about hiring a creepy-looking actor to play NINE THOUSAND OOMPA LOOMPAS???

Oh, you're so creative, Tim Burton. I WANT MY ~~NIGHTMARELESS SLEEPS~~ TWO HOURS BACK!!

27 Dresses

Katherine Heigl is ever so popular! Why, she has been asked to be a bridesmaid 27 times -- and has the dresses in her closet to prove it! BUT as they say... three times a bridesmaid, never a bride. Which, according to my calculations, means that Katherine is doomed to "never be a bride" nine times. Oh, wasn't that joke funny? Didn't think so. Neither is the movie.

The Bounty Hunter

Imagine that, for two hours, you are forced to be chained to someone you loathe. Think of how much that would suck. Now you can imagine what sitting through The Bounty Hunter feels like. Then add more suckage. Even Gerard Butler's hotness can't do a thing for this car crash.

Superman III

In its defense, I think they were trying to make a cheesy movie. It is laughably terrible. According to one YouTuber, this is the best scene in the film. Make of that what you will.

The Three Musketeers

It's 1993, and you've got Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen and Chris O'Donnell in the same movie? How could that possibly go wrong? Well, I'm still not entirely sure, but let's just say it does.

Home Alone 4: Taking Back The House

Hey, we're back! Macaulay Culkin's been replaced, the parents have been replaced, Harry and Marv have been replaced (BY THE MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET), the siblings have been replaced, and oh yeah -- two siblings are (apparently) dead annnnd the parents are divorced. Merry Christmas, you filthy screenwriters!

Phenomenon

Hi. I'm John Travolta. I can do awesome things with my mind and inspire people and chay-ay-ange the world... BUT WAIT. The real reason I'm so awesome is because I have brain tumor. Gotta go die now, cya!

Go ahead and defend any of the above. I don't care. Or add your own "scary movies" in the comments section! Let me know what I should avoid and never, ever put in my ~~Qwikster~~ Netflix queue.

Book Talk

2011-10-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

On this, the One-Year, Three-Month, Seven-Day Anniversary of my book's publication (a momentous occasion, to be sure), I present you with: Half A Dozen Ways You, Too, Can Get A Copy Of The Book, If You Have Not Done So Already, And If You Have Not Done So Already, For Pete's Sake, WHY NOT?

Paperback via Amazon.com

Digital version for Kindle or the PC

Digital version for Barnes & Noble's Nook

Paperback via the publisher, Lulu.com

EPUB format for Adobe Digital Editions

Digital version via iTunes for your iDevices

Six ways. Pick one!

The name is Just South Of Normal. It's a novel. Here's a picture:

This is the book's official website

This is the book's Facebook page

This is me finishing with the novel pimping. Good night.

Collegiate

2011-10-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

A few weekends ago I decided to pay a visit to the campus of one of my former colleges, Western Oregon University. This is where I attended school from 2001-2003, earned my Bachelor of Science degree in Humanities, and had a lot of crazy times. I wasn't into the party scene, but my roommate and I did watch a lot of cable TV, rent numerous VHS tapes from the local mom & pop video store, and make many trips to Wal-Mart. So, you know, crazy times.

Even though the campus is only about an hour and a half away from where I currently live, I've only been back twice since 2003. Which is lame of me, because there are many reasons to visit, not the least of which is the food court. But more on that later.

I now present to you a pictorial account of my recent visit to WOU, home of the Wolves.

WOU has a fun history! It has gone through more name changes over the years than Prince: Monmouth University, Oregon Normal School, Oregon College of Education, and Western Oregon State College are its previous monikers. Fun fact: Beverly Cleary's friend went here!

Ah, Main Street. Home to classrooms and bricky buildings. A lovely place.

This is the Administration Building. Once, during my first year, I joined some of my professors and fellow students in a "march" where we... well, marched... outside this building, chanting things about fairness and equality. And we got to wear buttons. It was exciting! But mostly it scored me points with my profs. Maybe it was my imagination, but they were nicer to me after that. I still have the buttons somewhere.

Okay, so there's this tree. And it's a big deal around there because it's the tallest of trees, and possibly the oldest. At Christmas time, it has lights all over it and they have a tree lighting ceremony and it is very special. But this tree isn't perfect. That's because the top's gone. It was struck by lightning. How cool is that? So now, no point. It is the Mt. St. Helens of trees.

This is Campbell Hall. Allow me to tell you about Campbell Hall, though not about that blue thing in front because I have no idea what that is. No, but about the building. It used to have a bell tower on top, but then, during the Columbus Day Storm of 1962, it fell down.

Exclamation point!

When it fell, two things were destroyed. One, the bell tower. Duh. So they were like woe, no bell tower, BUT we miss the bells so let's build a bell-tower-ish thing on top of the building next door and play RECORDED BELL SOUNDS!

See that brown thing on top of that other building? That's a bell tower, but I'll be darned if there's an actual bell in it. But that didn't stop us from being treated to bell chiming on the hour and olde tyme music three times a day.

The other thing that was destroyed in the Storm was the left side of Campbell Hall. I guess it was totaled. So they walled/bricked it off, but you can see where the doors used to be.

Or, you know, there's probably some other reason why it's like that. I'm no architect. All I know is that A) Campbell Hall doesn't extend as far in that direction anymore, and B) That door-looking thing creeps me out.

Speaking of creepy...

This is Todd Hall, named after Jessica Todd. Beverly Cleary's friend and her classmates used to call it Jessica Todd Hell. Apparently nobody liked Jessica Todd. Which may be why some say the building is haunted. By HER, naturally.

Now, I don't know if it's true, but I do have to say there's something about the exterior...

...that strongly suggests "Nefarious after-hours doings." It is definitely the creepiest-looking building on campus.

This is the University Center, home to the bookstore, dining establishments, a mini-mart, a coffee place, offices, computer labs, and a "game" room, which, when I went there, had a foosball table and video games that ate your quarters. It's actually one of my favorite places on campus (not counting the food court). I can spend hours in the bookstore. It's probably a good thing it was closed when I was last there, or else I might've spent a pretty penny, and me without my 10%-Discount Alumni Card!

Now heading toward the dorms. A mere ten years ago, there were just 5 dorm buildings and now there are eight, I think. Mine was Gentle Hall, and I was in room 121.

Yep, there it is. Top floor on the right. That was "home" for two years, and it kind of weirds me out that other people dwell in it now. Yeah, I'm weird and possessive, what?

This is the Gentle Hall lounge. The RA's were always trying to get us "involved." So there were parties sometimes. Getting-to-know you extravaganzas. I remember everyone gathered to watch Friends when Rachel had her baby. I also carved a pumpkin in that room, made a decoupage box, and celebrated Mardi Gras for about an hour before returning to my dorm room to watch a Cosby Show marathon on TV.

Well, I promised I'd talk about it, and here it is...

The food court. Valsetz. It was actually attached to Gentle Hall via a series of walkways. If you lived in the dorms, you could have a food card which was like a debit card and it meant that whenever you were hungry, all you needed was that card, and you could get anything you wanted. They had a soda fountain, a bagel station, a bakery, a pizza place, a salad bar, a sandwich bar, a grill, a waffle stand, and oh so much more. In the mornings you could get an omelet for a dollar; in the evenings you could get a Boca Burger and fries for less than $2. Once a month, they served lasagna, and it was so delicious we'd often buy 2 or 3 pieces and keep the leftovers in the fridge (for all the good it did; we still had them devoured in a days' time.)

And yeah, one time I did get food poisoning from their lettuce, but no hard feelings.

Valsetz was also the place where the dorm association would sometimes sponsor Bingo nights. My roommate and I were unusually adept at winning prizes. I actually won a 23" TV, a serious upgrade from the 13" one we'd been using. I still feel kind of bad I didn't act more excited when I won, like jump up and down and scream, but that isn't like me. I hope they realize I was, indeed, grateful. A big TV made watching Gerard Butler movies even better!

Another place to get snacks on campus was this little mini mart inside the Werner Center. We called it either the Wolf Store or the Candy Store. I am only slightly ashamed to say that candy was most often purchased here, though a few Icees and Jones Sodas were procured as well. The Food Court was awesome for everything except having candy. So we got it here. And we got it often. It's a wonder we still have all our teeth.

This is the library, and it is fantastic. It opened right before I started at WOU. It has three floors, and in my quest for a quiet corner, I would often make my way up to the second or third floor to find a comfy chair on which to study. One day, I accidentally stumbled upon a section full of children's books. I love children's books! It was like my own personal Room of Requirement. So whenever I wasn't studying or involved in various shenanigans, I may have been found curled up on a cushy chair, nibbling Skittles and reading Judy Blume.

And now this tour must come to an end. I want to visit again soon -- if anyone wants to go with me, I'm taking applications. Kidding. Sort of.

Frugality

2011-10-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

So then there was the time I tried to save $1.

I don't mean in a piggy bank. I mean in life.

Tried....

It cost $23 to order a college parking permit online and go pick it up myself. $24 to have them mail it to me. So you know what I chose?

Yeah. The cheaper one. Because I'm so darn thrifty!

When I went to retrieve my purchased permit, I couldn't find the correct building. Signs and maps led me astray, and so I gave up that night, thinking for sure I'd get it the next week. (That first week, they were being lenient with the parking thing, since it's a new gimmick and all.)

Before the next class, I studied a map of the campus online. I knew right where the building was.

But I take evening classes. And by the time I made it to campus, it was 5:14pm and the parking permit building's door was locked. There were signs posted outside about contacting this or that number "after hours," but absolutely no indication of what those hours actually were. So I had no idea if 'd be okay if I got there at 4:30 next week, or if they kept some weird schedule, because I couldn't find that info THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

And because I still didn't have a physical parking pass, and because I didn't want to risk getting slapped with a fine (or "citation" as them fancy shmancers call it), I shelled out $3 at a kiosk for a "day pass" to park my car that evening (which I may have neglected to mention was tonight.) And with just seven classes left... Well, you do the math. Nah, I'll do it. Seven classes times $3 is only $21. Add tonight to that mix and that's... $24.

Exactly what I would've/should've paid to begin with, if I had half a brain.

But I don't, and now I still have to find a way to get that parking pass before next Tuesday evening.

Which is only going to stress me out.

Next time, no doubt about it, they are getting that darn dollar... and I'm getting some peace of mind!

Things That Make Me Happy

2011-10-10T21:57:00.000-07:00

Playgrounds, September 24th

2011-10-02T23:39:00.000-07:00

Historical Ack-uracy

2011-09-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

You know, Netflix has been kind of obnoxious lately. Raising their prices, dividing their DVD and streaming services, sending me patronizing emails, and -- most offensive of all -- mailing me a string of disturbing movies.

Not bad movies, just... gross. Like Gladiator a few weeks back. Blood and beheadings and all that jazz. And this week? John Adams, which is technically a TV miniseries, but I regard TV movies and miniseries pretty highly so it might as well be a movie.

But, okay (GROSSNESS ALERT) there's a smallpox epidemic in Massachusetts, 1776. And while John Adams is off trying to do the whole Independence thing, his wife, Abigail, decides to inoculate their children by exposing them to a bit of the smallpox virus. So this one friend of hers (a doctor? one can only hope) extracts some goo out of one of the... uh, lesions... of a seriously disgustingly infected-with-smallpox person, then inserts that into Abigail and the children's bloodstreams. OH HELLS NO. Well, guess what, THEY ALL GET SICK... the daughter most terribly. She's got pox everywhere. And they are nasttttty. See, I always thought smallpox were like chickenpox, but smaller.

No. They are bigger AND grosser. Way, way grosser.

And, I mean, kudos to the John Adams make-up department for making that poor daughter look like a freaking garbage pail kid, but EW. MY EYES NEED A BATH NOW.

There are two more discs in this series, and I plan to rent them, because hey, it's good otherwise. No, really! I like watching a bunch of dudes in wigs debating and yammering endlessly and voting and stuff. It's history, man. And you know who plays George Washington? David Morse! The unfortunate side effect of this is that from now on, every time I look at a dollar bill or quarter, I'm automatically going to start quoting The Langoliers.

Oh well.

Chicken ala What The--?

2011-09-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

Since early in my pet-owning days, I've had bizarre dreams about the animals I care for. (Yes, I'm going to talk about my dreams today. You've been warned.)

FISH - I've had fish off and on since I was ten. Goldfish, Betta and Catfish, mostly. Throughout the years, I've had this recurring nightmare (even when fish aren't a part of my family) where I have a fish in a tank or bowl or whatever, and the fishie keeps trying to jump out. And I'm trying to physically stop it from leaping to its certain death. Either that or I'm trying to grab the fish while it's flopping around on the table and throw it back in. I'm terrified that the fish will die on my watch, and oftentimes I spend a lengthy amount of time trying to keep the fish in the bowl. Very frustrating, that one is.

DOGS - I have never owned a dog, but ever since I started dogsitting a few years ago, I've had this dream where I'm supposed to dogsit, but for whatever reason there's been a miscommunication, and I've not arrived at the house when I'm supposed to and the dog has been alone for days and I feel terrible. That's it. Pretty simple, I guess. I hate to think how this dream is going to develop if/when I actually do have my own dog someday. Uhhhh let's not think about that.

CATS - I don't really have cat dreams very often, which is a bit odd considering we've had at least one cat in my family since I was eight years old. Occasionally I've had dreams where a cat escapes and I can't find it. Now we have three cats. That said, ever since we got the third one, I've had this recurring nightmare in which I'm trying to corral all three of them in an emergency, and it's just physically impossible to hold them all. I usually wake up from this one feeling pretty cranky.

I see a theme with all these dreams. Keeping the fish in the water, making sure the dog is being looked after, and trying to rescue the cats -- all of these dreams involve keeping the animal alive. Perfectly normal, right?

So somebody please explain to me what is up with my dreams about the chickens.

CHICKENS - Whenever I dream about my chickens, I dream that they have multiplied. Reproduced. Spawned. But not necessarily with more chickens. No, sometimes I'll go outside and find that my three little hens have been joined by two hens from a neighboring home... and a duck. Like, these other birds will be sitting in the coop with the chickens, looking at me like, "Wassup?" And I'm supposed to deal with it. One night I dreamed that my chickens had spawned GUINEA PIGS, and I was running around trying to find cages big enough for all my new family members.

And then there was last night.

Last night's dream involved me going out to the coop to see that my three chickens...

... had been joined by a dog...

...a pelican...

... and, for good measure, a baby penguin.

Naturally, I ran for my camera and started snapping pictures of the adorableness.

Even my subconscious seems to know it is weird, because my very next dream involved me explaining THAT dream to a group people and laughing about how silly it is that I have these spawning dreams all the time. How meta of me.

Well, that's all. Now that I've opened this (scary) window into my psyche, I hope you don't trip over your shoelaces as you run for the door.

Peace.

Fair Play

2011-09-15T21:48:00.000-07:00

September 5, 2011.

It's the last day of the Oregon State Fair, which is apparently also "Cow Judging Day." We can hear mooing from all the way out in the parking lot. I wonder what the judges look for in a cow. Bone structure? Smiling with their eyes? Did I just invent America's Next Top Cow Model? Once, when I was a kid, I went to the county fair and played that carnie horse racing game and I won a stuffed cow. He was wearing overalls. It's the only time I ever won anything at those games, not counting the numerous ashtrays I procured from my stellar dime-throwing skillz.

Llamas, I think? I went to this spinning wheel show once (and yes, I'm ninety-four. What?) and out back they had a barn with alpacas and goats and things, and I was talking to my little cousin about them and I called them llamas and the farmer guy there was like THEY'RE ALPACAS. And quite frankly I didn't care. Just like I don't care if Koalas are or are not bears or what camels are called when they have one hump, not two. But whatever these things are, aren't they cute? They're like big ol' poodles. I want one.

Mmmm. To quote one Mr. Garfield the Cat: "Candy candy candy candy candy!" I especially covet the giant gummy bears. Every time I go into a candy store and see one of those, I think I would love that. I'm going to get me one of those one of these days. And really, they're only about $5 so it's not like it'd be this crazy purchase. But something always stops me. Maybe because when they're that size, biting off their heads (the integral part of consuming gummy bears) seems like it would be difficult. And I abhor difficulty, especially with candy. Which is why I've stopped eating Fun Dips. I'm sorry, but they simply take more than they give.

"Crazy Animal Races." I've seen Pig Racing before, but not this. This has goats and sheep and all manner of fowl. They're lined up at the starting gate and then sent forth around the track while the audience cheers. At the end, they get food. Meanwhile, four kids in the audience get to be cheerleaders. Whichever animal wins, the kid from that cheering section wins a small checkered flag. After the show (which is actually quite adorable and hilarious) the announcer tells us that anyone can get their own checkered flag at the nearby concession stand for two dollars. Gosh!

Then again, $2 sounds like chump change when you consider the price of being flung in the air on this fun contraption. $30 will get you up there for a minute. It's $50 if a couple wants to go together. $20 grants you video footage. I get that this thing must have to have insurance up the wazoo, not to mention pay somebody to run it, but it all still seems a wee bit crazy. Much like the people who choose to ride it.

Now this is more like it. For $8 you can get zipped inside a big plastic bubble (like a hamster!) and walk around on the water (like Jesus!) This is what I love about the fair. Stuff like this. Crazy new things you can try. It makes the discontinuation of World's Fairs in my country a little easier to bear.

Now here's a ride I can totally get behind. Har har, literally, amirite? But serious, the chair lift thing is great. You get to ride over the entire fair, thirty feet up. You get to see everything. Like... the tops of tents. And... the tops of people's heads. Not to mention the stuff behind the tents. And after seeing some of the goings-on behind the food vendors' tents, well... it really makes your appetite waver.

UNLESS...

Yes, there's always an exception. I have some great, unbridled love for the giant baked potato. Some fairgoers go for the corn dog, others the massive turkey leg, still others the old familiar sno-cone. But I seek out the potato grande, and always will. I don't care if those potatoes are fed hormones to help give them their impressive girth. I don't care that for the price of one potato I could go to the store and buy a whole sack of the things. Nope. I don't care.

Oh hey, yet another ride you won't get me on. I realize this is ten times tamer than the catapultchacallit, but still. No.

Well, it's about time to go. How about one last look at the animals? Here are some... uh...

... some goats? Mutant kangaroos? Sigh. Animal identification has never been my strong suit.

That's better! Those are goats. Totally. I mean...

yeah, I don't even know anymore.

I'm going home.

Until next year...

Ickiness Maximus

2011-09-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

Those of you who've been reading this blog a while may remember my issues with one Mr. Russell Crowe. First I was worried he'd ruin Robin Hood. Then I saw Robin Hood, and was like, eh, he was okay, I guess.

Well, after that, I decided to grit my teeth and go watch Gladiator.

Cuz, you know, I'd heard it was pretty good. I can't remember where I heard that. Maybe the Oscars. I'd also heard it was violent. But I figured, if I could make it through Beowulf, 300, and Tombstone, I could certainly handle 2 more hours of ye olde blood and gore.

So, to those of you who haven't seen it -- warning -- spoiler alerts, etc.

I counted eight beheadings.

Forty-three dismemberments.

Three hundred and thirty-eight stabbings.

And a pony fell down.

Also, two tigers died for the cause.

GROSS, Ridley Scott. Just gross!

But there's something in the movie that's even scarier than all of that...

See, there's this guy named Commodus, and he's played by Joaquin Phoenix...

Yes, Joaquin Phoenix. AKA little "Leif" Phoenix from Parenthood, the punk kid who destroyed his father's dentist office in a fit of anger and had to be educated in manhood studies by Keanu Reeves, but turns out okay (and relatively unscathed) in the end.

Well, heh, Joaquin Phoenix's wrongdoings in Gladiator make "destroying daddy's dentist office" look as mundane as jaywalking on a deserted highway.

COMMODUS IS SO. FLIPPING. EVIL!!!!

How evil is he? Let me put it this way. He makes these guys...

(The Joker - murderer, sociopath)

(Hans Gruber - terrorist, murderer)

(Lord Voldemort - dictator, murderer)

look like THESE guys...

Don't believe me? Here's a short list of Commodus's crimes in the 2 hours we get to spend with him:

-He kills his own elderly father while HUGGING HIM

-He orders Russell Crowe killed (Russell escapes)

-He orders the gruesome deaths of Russell's family (that goes through)

-Later, he taunts Russell about how his family died

-He threatens to kill his own nephew

-He forces his sister to be his lover

-He tries to kill Russell Crowe in the coliseum with tigers

-He kills Russell's friend

-He kills Russell's mentor

-And, in the end, he stabs Russell and then sends him out to the arena to fight.

He's such a terrible, arrogant, punkass psycho, that when he faces in Russell in the end, and Russell kicks his ass (despite being wounded), it is nothing short of awesome. GO, RUSSELL, GO!

And even though I know it's just a movie and Russell's just playing a character... well, darnit, I like that character. I'm totally behind that character. He kicks booty. Specifically Joaquin Phoenix's evil booty. And for that, he gets a Gold Star in my book.

So that's 2 for 2, Russell Crowe. You're on my good side, now. At least until you go on another phone-throwing spree. Yeah, we all have our dark moments, but come on!

i can haz computers?

2011-09-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

Running a school computer lab (my new job!) has made me think a lot about when I was in elementary school. (Oh, here it comes...)

In the beginning of my educational career, there wasn't a single computer to be found in our school building. But around 1988 they got a dozen or more Commodore 64s. I loved those things! The teachers taught us how to program on them. Typing, typing, and more typing would produce... an octagon. Yay. Once or twice they let us run games. I was all over DD's Playground, of course.

I remember the day the librarian introduced us to a Mac. It had a mouse. (LOL, a thing that is a thing that is not a rodent!) There was this little tutorial on the computer where you could practice clicking and dragging, like, a piece of paper and put it in a trash can. BEST. THING. EVER. I would sit there and just throw the little piece of paper away, over and over.

In junior high, we had two roomfuls of Macs. Same with high school. They took floppy disks. You could save your work on one, and use it on another computer... until it got an error and died. Also, the computers now had the internet! It was so exciting. My friends and I would use it to chat with each other, while sitting right next to each other in the lab. Yep. We were oh so clever and awesome.

In the early 2000s, when I first began working in an elementary school, they had just acquired some brand shiny new blue iMacs. Remember how iMacs came in all those colors? So pretty. Ten years later, those same blue iMacs are basically just big blue paperweights.

These days in our computer lab, they have bright, shiny silver iMacs. Those have replaced the 50-pound eMacs we had from 2002-2008 or so. (Yes, fifty pounds. We still have a bunch of them in the lab, and I've been delivering them to different classrooms this week. When this job description mentioned "lifting up to 50 pounds," I always imagined that sentence pertaining to a fallen-and-can't-get-up child on the playground, not a computer with bricks sitting inside it. Seriously, bricks. Why would a computer contain bricks? I don't know! WHY ARE THOSE COMPUTERS SO HEAVY? On the bright side, I guess they're pretty robber-proof. You'd have to be crazy to try to steal one. Well, also because they're crappy.)

Nowadays, with just a few clicks, a kid can get online and chat in realtime with people from all over the world. They can blog about their field trips. They can watch how crayons are made.

That totally beats making an octagon.

And throwing away a sheet of virtual paper.

Though I'm not sure that it beats DD's Playground... that game was the best!

Celebration!

2011-09-02T22:39:00.000-07:00

Hallelujah! I got a job! And for the first time in eight years... something that doesn't have the word "temporary" attached to it! Where's that dancing hamster gif to celebrate? I need that. Well, there's this, but that site just gave me a seizure, so nevermind. Here are some balloons instead.

These Shoes Were Made For... Running, Apparently

2011-08-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

A Walk In My Shoes, the TV-movie I worked on last year, is having its ultra-spiffy encore presentation this Saturday (August 27th) on NBC.

Trailer on Youtube (beware cheesiness)
Busted Benson Bubblers (my account of my day on the set)
And a screen cap:

It's the running of the ~~bulls~~ pedestrians! I'm the girl on the right, behind the guy with the orangish shirt. I was going for "worried and scared" in this scene, but I'm one of the only ones who doesn't have my mouth in an O shape for most of it, so I dunno.

I watched the movie's premiere on TV last December. I had a friend over, and we riffed our way through it. It was okay.... It's just that there was this one lady....

The brown-haired lady. Yeah, her. She was some kind of angel, I guess. And she'd pop up wherever and whenever, accompanied by music. It reminded me a little too much of Touched By An Angel. Have I ever told you about my sinister dislike for TBAA? Well, maybe another time.

If Only

2011-08-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

Twitter wants to know what I Wish They Would Bring Back.

Oh, believe me, I've thought about this.

I've got a list.

And here goes.

I Wish They Would Bring Back...

1. Farrell's. The Portland Ice Creamery or whatever. The restaurant with the sundae that had like 13 scoops. The restaurant with the freaking candy store in the middle. The restaurant they sold and demolished in 2001 to make apartment buildings. JERKS!

2. All the dangerous, awesome playground equipment I enjoyed as a youth. The big tires at Harold Oliver. The giant fireman pole at Lents Park. The hamburger climbing thing at McDonalds...

Er, then again... I don't remember that looking quite so creepy...

3. Ball pits at Chuck E. Cheese. Oh, I know they were infested with all manner of refuse. But since when did kids care about that? And I know I'm too old to go in them now. But speaking of ball pits...

4. DISCOVERY ZONE!!! That place was the best!

5. Saturday Morning Cartoons. You knew this one HAD to be coming! Yes, maybe I'm too old (lazy) to wake up early on Saturdays to watch TV anymore. But I totally would if they would bring back all the radical shows from my childhood. And speaking of THOSE...

6. The Disney Afternoon. With Ducktales, of course.

7. Mystery Science Theater 3000 -Yeah, I know, it's been ten years, everyone's moved on. Mike, Kevin, and Bill are making us laugh with Rifftrax, and Joel and the other guys are doing their thing as well. And I love Rifftrax, I really do. But I also miss those adorable little robots. I named one of my pets Servo, for heaven's sake!

8. Orbitz.

I don't know why. I never even really liked it. It was just soda juice with little gummy balls floating around inside. But hey, bring it back anyway, it was fun stuff, AND THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

9. The Old-School Disney Channel. Yep, here I go again with the Disney woes. But see, back in the 80's and early 90's, they used to air 50s & 60's Disney movies, documentaries, and awesome shows like The Torkelsons. And now, it's a breeding ground for skanks, low-lifes, and zipheads.* Mickey's somewhere rollin' in his grave right now, srsly.

10. Meals on airplanes. WHAT I LIKED THEM.

11. Caramel / Strawberry Pepsi. Actually, I just really hate it how Pepsi can't just pick a flavor and STICK WITH IT. Grrr making me get all excited about a flavor, then ripping it away, grrr.

And in conclusion:

12. My Childhood

That is all.

(*Slightly modified BTTF2 quote, there.)

Because Deciding Is Hard

2011-08-13T00:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Kixia,

My hubby and I are having our 3rd baby in 4 monthss! We just found out we’re having another girl!! Buuuut we can’t agree on a name!!! Our other childrens' names are: Braelynn Gabriella and Gracelynn Isabella. LOL yeah we kind of have a pattern thing going on. Should we stick with that, or go in a whole new direction? What do YOU think???

Sincerely,
Lizzy & Darius Cole

Lizzy & Darius,

Congrats! OMG I love it when parents give their kids names with patterns! It brings such order to this chaotic world! I TOTALLY think you should stick with what you have going. If one sister had a name that was totally different from her OTHERS sisters, she might feel inferior or different! That could screw her up for LIFE.

With that in mind, here are a few suggestions for girlie #3!:

-Charlynn Arabella
-Kennalynn Jezabella
-Azlynn Lionella
-Brooklynn Fontanella
-Sophielynn Nutella

Hope this helps! Let me know what you decide!

-Kixia

* * * * *
Dear Kixia,

We’re having our first baby in two months, a boy. My parents are very religious and really they want us to name our baby something from the Bible. So... my husband and I were talking about Joshua, Micah, Noah, etc. But my husband’s parents, they think the baby should have a unique, unusual name. What should we do??

Sincerely,
Angela

Dear Angela,

One word: NEBUCHADNEZZAR! King of the Bible! And the name “Chad” is hidden in there, so you’ve got an insta-nickname! Fabulous, right? I wouldn’t stear you wrong.

-Kixia

* * * * *
Dear Kixia,

My boyfriend and I have a three-year-old son, Jakobi Kai Isaiah… Jake for short. Last week we found out that we’re going to be giving Jake a little brother in March! We’re so excited!! We want to name the baby something along the same lines, you know -- three names, with kind of the same sound going on… and we really like the letter “I”, so anything with that would be really awesome. Thanks!

-Vanessa

Vanessa,

Oooh I love a good “must-have-this-letter” challenge!

Let’s start with a short list of names with “I”…

-Ian (A little too popular, IMO, but an old classic nonetheless)
-Ike (Can be short for Michael, but can stand alone as well)
-Isaac (“Zac” makes a nice nickname!)
-Ivan (Love that “I-V” combo, don’t you?)
-Israel (Does the child have Jewish roots? If so, pay homage.)
-Ishmael (Literary references make your baby seem more intellectual. This can further him down the road.)
-Iverson (The classic “Last name --> First Name” approach.)
-Iraq (Topical & very modern!)
-Island (Names ending with -land are very IN right now.)

And then, of course, there are many names with the letter “I” positioned somewhere in the middle. Some of my favorites include:

-Josiah (Biblical --> religious --> God will shine down on your baby!)
-Riley (Another popular one, but it would pair well with any of the above)
-Lionel (A strong name. Lions. RARRGHHH!)
-Giles (Unusual, but classy)
-Elijah (Elijah Wood --> Lord of the Rings --> Literary Reference --> Literature --> Smart Baby)

If you didn’t like the letter “I” so much, I would actually suggest replacing it with “Y”, as “Y” is just a touch better. Consider it!

Yvan Josyah Ryley
Lyonel Elyjah Yverson

See how nice that looks?

Good luck!
Kyxya

* * * * *
Dear Kixia,

Help!!! The wife and I can’t agree on a name for our first child (a girl)! Which name do you like better? We’ll choose whichever you choose.

Option A: Alianna Ryleen Spencer
Option B: Blayke Jordana Spencer

Thanks,
Ken and Tiffany-Jo Spencer

Ken & Tiffany-Jo,

I say, when you can’t decide, JUST USE BOTH! Lots of parents are going the “3-4 Names” route these days, there is nothing wrong with that! If you are still unsure which order to put them in, I’d suggest using the first initial to try to spell out a word. I was noticing that if you go like this:

Blayke
Alianna
Ryleen
Jordana

You get BARJ! Barj --> Barge, and that’s a word! See? Kids LOVE it when their initials spell something. Mine do! Kixia Alice Foster --> KAF --> Calf! I love it, and so will baby Blayke! Trust me.

Best wishes!
Kixia

* * * * *
Dear Kixia,

HELP!!! Three years ago, when I frist decided I wanted to have a baby, I told every1 that the baby’s name -- if it was a girl -- was going to be Savannah Grace. I told EVERY1111! Well, I shouldn't of, because GUESS WHUT -- my stupid cow of a cousin-in-law just had a baby girl and named her GRACE OLIVIA. Now, I kno that’s not exactly the same, but the fact that she took MY name, Grace, really pisses me off! Now I’m preggers, due in 8 months, and I have no idea what to do!!! Pleeeease help me think of a better name then her so I can show her!!!

-Lacey

Lacey,

Girlfriend, I have an even better idea. Keep the baby you’re about to have, of course, but ALSO… ADOPT a baby who is sliiiiightly older and bigger than your cousin-in-laws’ name-stealing baby. Name your adopted child Savannah Grace. Remind everyone that your baby was born first (which it WAS) and tell them that your cousin-in-law copied you. That will show everyone, and you will have the last laugh!!! As for your second baby, Shenandoah Glee would be a nice companion name!

Be sure to send me pix when the baby(ies) arrive!

-Kixia

Step By Step, Ooh Baby!

2011-08-11T23:36:00.000-07:00

STEP BY STEP
Years It Aired: 1991-1998
Years I Was Into It: 1992-1997

When I was a kid, there were three ways I might be introduced to a TV show:

1) Stumbling across it while channel-surfing (usually on a Saturday morning)

2) My parents watching it first; me watching it with them.

3) Friends telling me about the show's very existence in the first place.

Number three is what happened with Step By Step. I remember (and please don't ask how my brain can remember THIS, and not where I left my keys) that my friend was spending the night at my house one Friday, and she asked if I watched TGIF. I, being ~~a failure of an 80's baby~~ oblivious, said no, I had no idea what that was. And so she explained the acronym and introduced me to the world of Family Matters, Dinosaurs, whatever else used to air back in 1992 (Perfect Strangers?), and, what soon became my new favorite Friday-night show, Step By Step.

Already a fan of The Brady Bunch, I'm sure the shows' similarities is what initially drew me to SBS. There were lots of kids on SBS, and that made it fun.

For the uninitiated, here's how the plot went down: Widow(er)s Mike and Carol... wait, hold on, I'm mixing medias again... DIVORCEES FRANK AND CAROL... met up while on vacation and eloped. When they returned home, they had to explain everything to their kids. Frank Lambert had three: teenager J.T., pre-teen Alicia (Al), and tyke Brendan. Carol Foster also had three of her own -- teenage braniac Dana, teenage ditz princess Karen, and little geeky Mark. The kids did not get along at first; in fact, Dana and J.T. had a rivalry that lasted several years.

Various supporting characters came & went during the show's run. In the beginning, Carol ran a beauty parlor in the garage, and her mother and sister were her partners in that venture, but that didn't last. Frank's nephew Cody was added to the pack early on; he was a popular character who had a crush on Dana. In the fourth season, Frank and Carol got pregnant, and Lily Foster-Lambert was born in 1995.

That's about when things started to get crazy. Lily morphed into a kindergartener in 1997 (no doubt emulating the Keatons and Seavers of Television Past), and she was such an annoying brat, it made you wish Carol and Frank had never touched. Cody disappeared, and in his stead, we got Rich, "Flash" Gordon, and Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux (played by Bronson Pinchot, of all people). They also lost Brendan to the Judy Winslow curse (aka Gone But Never Explained Away, Hoping You Won't Notice Since There's So Many People On The Show As It Is.) And sometime post-Cody, but pre-BigLily, they all went to Disney World! Because WHY NOT??

My favorite season was the 1994-95 one, where Carol was pregnant. As someone who wanted a baby sister myself, I found myself living vicariously through the Fosters and Lamberts that year. My least favorite season was the second-to-last one, when Child Lily showed up. I can't judge the final season because I didn't watch it... that's when the poor show was transferred to CBS (along with Family Matters) in order to (I kid you not) liven up the so-called Old-Folks network that was CBS. (In case you're wondering what happened to TGIF, don't worry. It still had Boy Meets World and Sabrina The Teenage Witch. Only now it also had Teen Angel. And it wasn't about a young David Boreanaz, I am so, SO sorry to say.)

And so, my friends, ends this sad tale. A tale of broken dreams and... oh, what am I saying? Who cares? It was good while it lasted. Nuff said.

(This article is part of my ongoing series My TV Top 40, Ages 2-12 at alligatorjuice.com)

Wait, so borrowing isn't forever?

2011-08-07T23:57:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the Multnomah County Library system has a limit to how many times you can renew a book before they cut you off and say "no more"?

Yeah. Surprise.

I mean, it's only been 2 years and 3 months since I first checked the book out. What gives, guys? I'm not done with it yet! I started it and... well, you know, I just haven't gone back to it. And... well, I sort of can't find it. I mean, it's somewhere around here. I think I saw it last month.

Oh, bother. :/

Palofrenozynx

2011-07-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

There was once a time when I loved to do the things I loved to do. Then, without warning, depression hit. It was hard to get out of bed. I missed important occasions, like birthday parties and parades. I even began to retreat from the ones I love.

But no more.

I called my doctor, and he told me about Palofrenozynx. Thanks to Palofrenozynx, I’ve found a new lease on life! Look at me in this happy montage, spending happy hour at the local Chili's with my friends Stacy and Heather! Watch enraptured as I take ballroom dancing lessons and hug a pony!

If you're suffering from depression, Palofrenozynx may be able to help. Talk to your doctor about Palofrenozynx today. Tell him you want some; demand it, even!

Palofrenozynx is not for everyone. Side effects may include burning of the larynx, enlargement of the heart, implosion of the gallbladder, and hardening of the musculoskeletal system.

Palofrenozynx should not be taken with food, water, or oxygen. Doing so may increase the risk of side effects, including: death, painful death, excruciating death, and even more death. Tell your doctor if you experience any of these symptoms, as they may be a sign of a more serious condition. Be sure to tell your doctor about any medications you are currently taking, whether or not you eat olives, and approximately how much wood a woodchuck would chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Remember, life IS worth living -- make the most out of YOUR life with Palofrenozynx!

Going Back

2011-07-04T20:58:00.005-07:00

Below is a photo essay I did in 2008 in honor of my family's yearly Independence Day tradition.

------

For this photo essay, I decided to take photos at my Uncle Danny's house (technically he's my great uncle). Every year on the 4th of July, there's a barbecue at his place. Many of the descendants of my great grandparents (who had 13 children, including my maternal grandmother) head over to Danny's house for food, volleyball, and fireworks. It's been a tradition for decades.

This is the home of my uncle Danny and his wife, Harriet, who've lived there for nigh 50 years. On the 4th of July, their garage door is always wide open. Everyone goes through the garage to get to the backyard.

When I was little, there wasn't a whole lot to do -- for kids, anyway -- at U.D.'s house. His children were grown, so he didn't have a swingset or anything. But my cousins and I still found ways to amuse ourselves, like... climbing that tree there on the right. Getting the the lowest branch usually required a boost, but there was usually a cousin around to provide one. Getting back down was another issue...

Boxes of Pop-Its usually kept us busy for a while. Throughout the evening and into the night, there'd be sparklers and fireworks for all, but we had to wait for dusk for those. Pop-Its could be detonated the moment we arrived (usually in the mid-afternoon.) And so U.D.'s driveway would become littered with tiny white pieces of paper.

Pop-Its -- also known as "Whipper-Snappers" in our family -- had many uses. You could throw 'em down hard at the pavement, one at a time. You could place them on the ground and step on them. Or you could pop them between your fingers -- a technique an older cousin once showed me, but that I was almost always too nervous to do. After the boxes were empty, we'd go around stomping on all the discarded Pop-Its, just in case one had failed to pop initially. We'd usually get 4 or 5 more pops that way.

A few shots from inside the house, because... why not? This is their dining room table, which I highly doubt they ever use, seeing as how its loaded with photographs.

My aunt collects teacups & saucers. This is only one of the shelves of them. She has an equally-sized shelf on another wall, plus a bunch more placed here & there throughout the house. They're really gorgeous and each is unique, but I'd hate to be there during an earthquake.

But those are not the only thing she collects...

Bears. With a plastic covering to ward off the dust. This is only a small portion of the bears. Others are strewn throughout the house and worked into the decor. We weren't supposed to ever play with them, and I was always a bit envious of my aunt for owning a stuffed Snuggle bear (of fabric softener commercial fame). This is in their basement.

This is a view of the house from the back. That door on the left is the door leading to the garage. Here you can see the porch and the food table. Front left, there are 2 of my great aunts. There's always a ring of folding chairs and the old people sit there nearly the entire time. The other day, I was observing my grandma and her sister. They'll sit next to each other and make observations about things. Sometimes they look really solemn, almost grumpy, even though they're not.

The other day, I realized they reminded me of Statler & Waldorf.

Except women.

And... you know, not Muppets.

And here's a closeup of the food table. Full of delicious items. Usually an abundance of one thing -- this year, it was pasta salad. Desserts decorated to look like the American flag. Chips. And all the fixings for hamburgers.

Soda! Mmmm. When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to drink soda at home. About the only time I got it (and I loved it, even then) was at picnics or restaurants. On the 4th of July, there'd be all these soda cans just sitting there in the coolers, free for the taking. I was like a kid in a candy store. I'd drink at least 3, and my mom would get on my case ("How many have you had? Is that your third one? I saw you with one earlier. Soda is bad for you!" *tunes her out*) But I was good this year. I only had two cans. Or maybe three.

Every year they pop up an enormous batch of popcorn. Of course, by the time people arrive, it's not warm or anything, and it's the dry, butterless kind that gets stuck in your throat, but still... it's a tradition, and I must include it.

Here, my 3-year-old cousin, who helped himself to some popcorn four or five pictures ago, eats his snack in the shade.

Then there's the homemade vanilla ice cream. They don't do it every year, but they have the last couple of years. They begin making it before people even arrive; by about 7:30 pm, it's ready. If there's any leftover berry pie, you can put them together... or even grab a can of root beer and concoct a float... but it's almost a crime to do anything to the ice cream, it's so good all by itself.

Before, I said that there wasn't a whole lot for little kids to do at U.D.'s house. But there were a few things. We could watch adults play horseshoes. We could attempt to play in the horseshoe pits, and get scolded ("That is NOT a sandbox!") And as we got older, we could actually attempt the game itself. I am absolutely terrible at the game. Just so everyone is aware. Bleeping terrible.

And then there were the pseudo-fireworks. After dinner, when I was a kid, one of the uncles (oftentimes Danny) would light off some simple fireworks on a large, flat piece of wood in the backyard. (Sometimes we'd do them out in the street as well.) The infamous pagoda firework was one that got lit early. Also, Danny had this one kind that would launch these things into the air, and they would come down as parachutes -- little paper parachutes. It was a big deal to catch and/or find one as they landed. If you got one, you could consider yourself special.

This year, they just did a lot of smoke bombs. Still, it kept the little kids amused. The rest of us just tried to breathe properly as the smoke drifted toward the picnic area.

Nearly every year, we set up the volleyball net and play numerous games. The boundaries are never clear, so nobody ever knows for sure if the ball really did go out. The net is so old, there are big holes in it, and balls don't bounce off it, but still we play. Sometimes the volleyball will go over the neighbor's fence, and we'll send one of the younger kids over to fetch it. Little kids will often join the game, and then you know your team is doomed. This year, to distract my 3-year-old cousin from getting underfoot in the game, I told him he could take a picture of himself with my digital camera.

That was the result!

fanfictional

2011-07-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

I'm one of those people who can read several books at once. In fact, I like to. Unless it's that rare book that gives me everything I need (which would be nigh impossible, since "everything" includes both fiction and non-fiction and how do you do both? Unless you're James Frey. But can he also write something with historical juiciness? And angsty romance? And humor? I think not), I've gotta have several going on at once. Well, not at once. I'm not an octopus, with one book on each of my eight arms. No, I'll read a chapter or two of one, two chapters of another, maybe dip into a third, go back to the first, and so on.

It seems I'm the same way when it comes to writing. While there will be times when my focus and attention is on just one project, other times, I get my happiness from three or four projects. A novel, a short story, a web series, and -- when the mood is right -- fanfic.

Yes, I am a fanfic writer. And I'm afraid there's a bit of a stigma that goes with that. Blame it on the nerdy thirteen-year-olds who blast the internet with tales like Harriette Potter -- Long-Lost Twin Sister of Harry -- And The Pealing Bells of Harmony, in which Harriette not only is smarter, braver, and more clever than her born-four-minutes-later brother Harry, but she's scarless, has perfect eyesight, and is the object of lust of Draco Malfoy, Oliver Wood, and Cedric Diggory. Yes, some fanfic is really cheesy. A lot is poorly written. And anyone can publish it for the masses on places like fanfiction.net, then receive oodles of comments from younger readers along the lines of "UR SO AWESUM!"

But despite this, fanfic is not a bad thing.

I actually developed my love for writing as a teenager while penning crappy Friends/Lois & Clark crossovers. Don't ask. They were really dumb and I never shared them. But writing is like anything else -- the more you do it, the better you get at it (well, we hope.) Later, once I'd written something I deemed worthy of sharing, I did so -- and received comments from older, wiser writers that made my heart swell. They said I had potential! I started dabbling in different genres. I especially enjoyed doing tag-team, or round-robin fics with my friends. They often turned out very silly (usually, toward the end, because we didn't have the skills to come up with a coherent ending, we'd just casually kill everybody off), but we had a blast doing the actually writing.

Over time, I began to write less fanfic and swing toward more original stuff. Fanfic kind of has its limitations. You have set characters and a set canon. Sure, you can play around with that to some extent -- alternate universes, alternate beginnings, etc. -- but whether or not they're accepted depends on the mercy of your intended audience. Some fandoms will let you get away with more than others, I suppose. But really, you do have these already-established characters, and unless you go crazy and throw canon out the window, you have to stick to certain guidelines. Not so with original fiction. That's yours to do whatever you like with. Go nuts.

So even though original writing has its pros, every once in a while I'll start to think about my favorite TV show and my brain will start going, "Hey... what if...?" As I lay in bed at night, my mind will churn with possibilities. And before long, I have to start writing my thoughts down.

Which is why I've written two fanfics in the last six months, and have another one stirring.

No, I can never publish my fanfics for real or make so much as a dime off them. But they make me happy. They satisfy my creative urges, at least for a time.

And, in fifteen years, I'm sure they'll give me something to laugh at.

Like those Friends fanfics.

Did I say laugh? I meant cringe. ;)

So You Want To Sell Your Crap?

2011-06-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

Confession time: I like going to garage/yard/estate sales. Yes. I enjoy driving around on Saturday afternoons, pausing at specks of real estate, poring over someone else's life, and occasionally making a purchase.

But I've got something to say to the folks running the sales. Actually, I've got several things to say. You see, I am a customer. I have money in my pocket. I want to buy things, truly I do. And I'm pretty sure you haven't hauled all your crap onto your lawn for the sheer bliss of dusting it off. No, you want to sell that stuff. You want to make some money. Big money, as they say on Wheel of Fortune.

But it just so happens a lot of you are going about it all wrong.

And so, out of the goodness of my heart, I would like to offer you some advice.

Dear Sale-Havers, please heed the following:

*Unless you've got a flat-screen HD TV that's still in working order (in which case you probably wouldn't be selling it), let me break the sad news: Nobody wants to buy your old TV. Especially not for $20. The same goes for your old VCR. And VHS tapes? $3 per? Really? I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but the 90's are over. I know. There, there. Put away your Hootie & the Blowfish CDs and move on.

*The following items should always go in the Free Box. Never, ever, EVER try to charge people for: Things that are broken, magazines (unless we're talking vintage Saturday Evening Post. Which we usually aren't.), containers with no lids, lids with no containers, half-empty bottles of lotion, previously-lit candles, mysterious pieces of plastic, water-damaged paperbacks, office supplies from the 80's we're guessing you swiped from your workplace, and promotional items from the bank that we know YOU got for free. You're just insulting the laws of nature and decency by sticking price tags on any of these items.

*If your kid is going to contribute to your sale by running his own refreshment/lemonade stand, be a good parent and make him sit out there all day. There's nothing more annoying than a thirsty customer (me) seeing an abandoned lemonade stand and hearing the sounds of an X-Box coming from inside your house. Come on, parents! What about work ethics, huh? What about teaching your offspring about following through on their commitments? What about my insatiable thirst? THINK OF MY THIRST!

*Really, paperbacks should be fifty cents. A dollar? Okay, we get it, you're desperate. Any more than that? Please. I think I'll just head on over to Goodwill.

*Christmas Items: Okay, look, every single sale has these. And I have never met anyone who goes to sales specifically looking for Christmas items. So you don't need to tell us about your huge collection of tinsel in your ad. I promise, nobody cares.

*Speaking of ads, don't lie to me in yours. It makes me cranky. Figure out what kind of sale you're having and then advertise appropriately. A yard sale is in your yard, usually the front. A garage sale is in your garage. A moving sale implies you have an abundance of crap. An estate sale is in an old/dead person's house. If you're not sure what kind of sale you're having, just call it a sale. Don't tell me you're having an estate sale and then let me show up to see you sitting under a tarp on your driveway with a tableful of dusty old coke bottles and stained stuffed animals. There are just so many things wrong with that scenario, not the least of which is that you're a liar.

*There are many ways to attract people to your sale. Brightly colored signs. Balloons. Arrows. All of these things are good. What probably isn't good is parking Grandpa at the end of your driveway in a lawn chair with his shirt off, his hillside tummy hanging over his lap. Though the occasional passerby might feel pity and decide to spend a quarter just to pay to clothe the old man, most of us are going to keep driving, driving, driving. Cuz that? Is gross.

Baby, Baby

2011-05-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to my cousins Emily & Thom on their newest baby girl!

Meanwhile, there are no babies in my immediate future. Because according to makemebabies.com (which, as we all know, is the ultimate source of knowledge), my future offspring are destined to be pretty hideous.

And that's with Leonardo DiCaprio. Imagine if I mated with some average schmo? Disaster!

Then again, maybe this website's babymaking program isn't really that... well, accurate...

I mean, according to them, a match between me and Colin Firth would produce:

Though I suppose two white people producing a black child is about as likely as a match between me and Colin Firth occurring in the first place.

But hey, a girl can dream.

Why, Grandmother Willow, Why?!?

2011-04-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

You know, I know this doesn't matter in the scheme of the universe or anything, but I just feel like sharing my latest observation: The iPhone's compass feature is a piece of crap.

Yeah. I opened the ap, set my phone on a solid, still table and... the compass thingy just spins. First it tells me north is that way... then, oops, now it's over there!

The geek in me wants to throw out a Pocahontas reference right now, but the realist in me figures no one would get it.

Eh, I'll do it anyway.

POCAHONTAS!!!!1

Suffice it to say, if a spinning compass means that Christian Bale is sailing his way over here as we speak, I really have nothing to complain about. Though if I ever get lost in the woods and neither my iPhone nor Christian Bale saves me, I will be right ticked.

I love you, Christian.

Playgrounds, February 24

2011-04-08T23:32:00.000-07:00

Playgrounds, April 7

2011-04-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

Films... OF THE FYUTCHAH!

2011-03-24T18:10:00.000-07:00

Good evening, friends and countrymen. It kind of seems like every other post on here is about Movies I'm Looking Forward To (But Possibly Dreading Also). Last year we had Ramona, Robin Hood, and... um... stuff. Oh yeah, and Tangled. And they all turned out all right.

As of today, I am looking forward to:

Batman 3: (aka The Dark Knight Rises)

Dear Christopher Nolan,
I know you have this thing about using actors you've used before. I mean, Inception was a carnivale of Batman Begins actors, yes, har har, I get it. And I see Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Thomas Hardy have already been cast in Batman 3. But please, for the love of all things good, do not cast Ellen Page. Not as Poison Ivy, not as Batgirl, not as anything. I had a hard enough time sitting through Katie Holmes in the first one. The trend of casting whiny, sarcastic actresses must end! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!
Thank you,
Me

Superman Reboots: (aka Superman: The Man Of Steel)
Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent!?!
(*ahem*)
Kehhh-vin Costner
Kehhh-vin Costner
Kevincostner
Kevincostner
Ke-vi-ihn Cost-NER!
I'm going to be so ticked if they change that. So ticked.

Indiana Jones 5
Well, I'm torn on this one. On one hand, I'd love for there to be this totally kickass 5th movie that would make everyone forget the 4th one even existed. And I love Indy merchandise, so bring it on. BUT... maybe they should just stop, because... yeah, really, they should just stop.

Tiger Eyes
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1748260/
Dude, I knew they were going to make this some time, but I had no idea it was already DONE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! I'm so excited. I wish I knew when it was coming out. AUGH! *dies*

Harry Potter 7b (aka Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II)
Must find out how it ends, of course.
Will, or will not, Daniel Radcliffe don a mustache and play his "older self"? I MUST KNOW.
But then it will all be over and I will be sad.

And... I think that may be all. For now.

Scattered Childhood Memories #4 -- and a dash of freakiness

2011-02-26T09:12:00.000-08:00

I was three and a half when we moved into this house. My parents searched and searched for the right place, and when they found it, they were overjoyed. We were staying/living at my grandparents' house at the time. They had a big box of wooden blocks I liked to play with. The day my parents finally decided on "the house," my dad told me all about it. We were sitting in my grandparents' living room, and my dad used the blocks to make a model of "the house". He used blue blocks to represent the doors. "See? There are stairs here. One set goes up, and one set goes down." Ooooh.

Sometime after that, my dad took me to the house itself, just me and him. We parked across the street and entered through the garage. He took me upstairs and showed me the three bedrooms. "This one will be yours," he said. He didn't try to explain that I'd gotten this one because it was the second-largest room (the largest one going to my parents, and the third-largest going to my baby brother.) Instead, he said, "I thought you should have this one because of the neat lightswitch -- look!"

And there it was. A lightswitch that was not ordinary. It was not one of those little stick-out ones that you flip up or down like I was used to. It was rectangular, with a slight bend in the middle. It was flattish. Clap on, clap off. "And the best part?" He turned the light off -- and there, on the top half, was a ball of glowing orange. A nightlight! This thing was a freaking nightlight!

The nightlight glowed throughout most of my childhood. As a young teenager, it began to dim and flicker, but it held on. By the time I graduated high school, however, it had gone dark. So it goes. I decorated the lightswitch with stickers and went off to college and came back and barely gave it two thoughts anymore. Except... sometimes it was hard to find it -- I mean, the lightswitch -- in the dark. Sometimes my hand would fumble all over the wall, searching for it. You'd think after twenty-odd years, I'd be able to locate it blindfolded, no problem, but nay -- I tend to get a bit disoriented in the dark. At some point along the way, my mind seemingly forgot that there used to be a light there to guide me. Light: a distant memory.

And then came this morning.

When I got out of bed and went to turn on the light, I saw it -- a flicker. An orange flickery glow.

I was sure my eyes were playing tricks on me. Maybe it was the sunlight dancing off my mirror. Maybe... maybe I was still dreaming....

I cupped my hands around the lightswitch and peered at it as best I could in my early-morning spectacle-less state. And as I watched, the light began to glow brighter.

Convinced the whole thing was about to burst into flames, I quickly turned on the light (thus eliminating the nightlight portion), and have kept it on since. Well, shoot, you can't be too careful, can you?

But then I got to thinking how strange my reaction was. And how strange the situation was. Isn't it funny? Something can be dead and gone for years and then suddenly -- it's back. I know it's just a nightlight, but darnit if I can't turn everything into some kind of metaphor. I'm an English major, after all. It's what we do. And in this instance, I can't help but think of this light-revival as some kind of minor miracle. Miracles, I believe, happen regularly. But many times, we dismiss them. We look the other way. We come up with some semi-rational scientific explanation for 'em.

Or we run screaming.

And why is that? Is it too hard to believe that something might actually be happening around us that's GOOD? That's special? That's beyond earthly explanation, but hey, who needs explanations? Why do we fear these things so much?

I know it's just an tiny, flickering orange light. But I want to believe it means something more.

Wizard Trip

2011-02-11T21:26:00.000-08:00

So the other day my friend Jenn and I took a roadtrip to Seattle. Since we live in Portland, this wasn't an incredibly wacky undertaking -- totally doable, really -- it's just that neither of us had ever done it by ourselves before. Seattle is a big city. I have a penchant for getting lost while driving, especially in big cities. I can imagine it's probably pretty easy to get lost in Seattle ("hey, didn't we just pass this?" "no, that was one of the other 5,291 Starbuckses.") But luckily, we had a few things going for us -- one, Jenn had a GPS, and two, I spent three months in Seattle a few years back... and if there's one thing I learned from that experience, it's this: If you can find the Space Needle, you can find the Pacific Science Center. Which, it just so happens, was our destination.

For the past few months, the PSC has been hosting a Harry Potter exhibit. The exhibit has been all over the country, and Seattle was its last traveling stop. So, yeah, I'm a big fan Harry Potter. Not Big McLargehuge, but still pretty big. I don't go to the movies on opening night, nor have I ever worn a costume to a book premier party... however, I did get books #4-7 on release day. And I've read them all multiple times. And... I doubt you care. Okay, moving on, all I'm saying is I Love Teh Potter, and so I wanted to go to this.

And since so many other people had the same idea, everyone had to purchase tickets with a specific entry time stamped on them. We got 11:15. At the designated time, were herded into a building with about 40 other people. Three volunteers were selected to be sorted by the noble Sorting Hat. Two Gryffindors and a Hufflepuff later, we entered the exhibit area.

It was a walkthrough exhibit, full of props, costumes, posters, and pieces of scenery from the movies. Some notable pieces included: Harry's four-poster bed (which looked alarmingly tiny), that giant creepy clown from the third movie, and the sorcerer's stone, which looked just as shiny and rubyesque as it did in the first Potter film.

The costumes were less impressive -- having all been worn, and, perhaps, because they'd already been moved/displayed so many times, they looked pretty faded and sad. Even so, it was pretty neat to be able to stand next to a headless mannequin wearing a "Harry Potter Year 1" costume, and then, a few minutes later, stand next to one for Year 7, and realizing how much Daniel Racliffe really changed in that time span. (We were commenting on how it didn't seem like it had indeed been 10 years. But yikes. So it had.) And, of course, there was the outfit worn by one Mr. Robert Pattinson in movie #4, which we could not help but swoon over. ahem.

The walkthrough's exit led right into a gift shop (surprise!) full of mostly-over-priced Harry Potter merchandise. We both agreed that a $170 tiny Triwizard Cup replica just wasn't in our budget, nor was a $50 sweatshirt or a $45 hat. And so we left, exited into the sunlight (such as it is in Seattle this time of year), and spent the next few hours having Potter-less fun around the PSC and the Seattle Center. We walked through a butterfly pavilion, watched banana taffy being pulled, and wandered by a creepy, abandoned amusement park.

In the end, I'm not convinced the Harry Potter exhibit was entirely worth the trip and the ticket price ($30 each for that and admission to the PCS, plus about $40 for gas and $15 for parking), but roadtripping with a friend can not be beat. Those five hours in Seattle were fun, and we can now proudly say we've driven there and back by ourselves. An impressive feat indeed. (You know, if you're easily impressed.)

Favorite TV Shows: January, 2011 Edition

2011-01-29T23:44:00.000-08:00

Back in the days of yore (and by yore, I mean high school) I used to list my favorite TV shows (in order, natch) in my diary. I'd do an entry for this every so often -- sometimes within a matter of weeks, sometimes months. Certain shows held their places firmly over time, some new ones got added, and others were discarded and forgotten. It's funny to read those entries now and see what shows I was watching as a teenager. Annnnd also a little embarrassing. But you know what? I haven't made one of those lists in a long, long time. So darnit, I'm going to do one. Are you ready?

My Top 5 Shows That Are Currently Airing (Or Have Aired Within The Past 6 Months), Regardless Of Whether Or Not I'm Caught Up With All The Episodes...

1. Castle
2. Community
3. America's Next Top Model
4. Antiques Roadshow
5. Burn Notice

What The Above List Would've Looked Like If I'd Written It A Year Ago...

1. Jeopardy
2. The Office
3. Robin Hood
4. Survivor
5. The Amazing Race

My Top 5 Shows That Have Aired Episodes In The Past Decade, But Aren't On Anymore...

1. Wonderfalls
2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer
3. Extras
4. Robin Hood
5. Gilmore Girls

My Top 5 Shows That Haven't Aired In Ages But That I Own On DVD Or Watch In Some Other Way And Still Really Enjoy...

1. Lois & Clark
2. The Pretender
3. Mystery Science Theater 3000
4. Ducktales
5. Full House

My Top 5 Classic Shows That Aired Before I Was Old Enough To Really Watch Or Appreciate Them, But That Amuse Me Now...

1. Quantum Leap
2. Road To Avonlea
3. Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries
4. Star Trek: The Next Generation
5. Little House On The Prairie (well, I did watch it as a kid, but it frightened me. not so much now.)

Favorite Genres/Types Of Shows:
*Set In the Olden Days
*Action/Adventure
*Shows About Extraordinary People
*Shows About Ordinary People In Extraordinary Situations
*Cornball/Hammy
*Humorous Sci-Fi
*Absurd
*Romantic Comedy
*Sitcoms Without Laugh Tracks

indiana jones and the adventures of the holy sippy cup

2011-01-23T22:33:00.000-08:00

I love Rifftrax, and I love Indiana Jones (well, Last Crusade, at least. Okay, the others are all right. Except for... oh, nevermind.) So when the folks at Riffrax decided to run a contest for a remixed riff of... well, something, I decided to bask in the awesomeness that IS the "finding the grail" scene. Once I had picked out the scene, I had to extract Riffs from various... uh, tracks... which meant I had to listen to them first, to decide what bits of audio would work for my project. I ended up listening (or, in most cases, re-listening) to the audio tracks for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Titanic, Spider-Man, The Dark Knight, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Twilight, 300, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Heroes: Episode 1-2, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. All within the span of about 10 days. Even after all that, I still didn't feel like I had enough, so I downloaded The Sixth Sense and Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring and listened to those as well. I'm not saying I'm not psychotic. I'm just asking you not to judge. I mean, it was for a contest, okay? I could win. Not that I even care anymore, now that my frain is bried.

Oh yeah, here's the video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7n2zKeQBYc
Enjoy, please.

In The Hood 2: The Hoodquel

2011-01-11T21:55:00.000-08:00

Last May, I talked about wanting to see Robin Hood, starring Mr. Russell Crowe, and how I was afraid I'd dislike it, thanks to Mr. Russell Crowe.

Well, I finally got around to renting it, and I must say... I liked it. Which is not to say R.C. has totally redeemed himself -- he still has that "Oh, just love me, love me do!" expression on his face all the time, which is kind of obnoxious. But there's this one scene where he totally rides in and saves the day, and Marion's all "Wooeee baby!" and, admittedly, I also made such an exclamation. Speaking of Marion, Cate Blanchett made me forget about her part in Indiana Jones 4. So we'll just wipe that off her slate and call it good, mmkay?

Now, what of the plot? It's really more of a Robin Hood Begins kind of movie. Or... it would be if Robin wasn't about 47.6 years old. That's not what I'd call any kind of beginning, unless you happen to be Methuselah or Old Rose from the Titanic. In that case, I guess Russell Crowe would be considered an infant by comparison. But where was I going with this? Oh yeah, so the whole movie shows us how Robin went from being a soldier in the Crusades to becoming an outlaw. In the BBC show, that took roughly one episode. In the Kevin Costner movie, it took 20 minutes. In the Disney movie, he already was an outlaw. So I guess it's kind of interesting to see more about that progression and...

Oh, yawn, who am I kidding? I want to see Robin robbing the rich, assisted by merry men and clever booby traps, darnit!! When this movie ended, even after 2 hours, I was like, "But... but wait! No! Why are there credits here? It's not over! Curse you, Ridley Scott!" Speaking of Ridley Scott, did you know he was the executive producer of Monkey Trouble? I don't know what that has to do with anything, I'm just saying.

Overall, it was a fine version of the beloved story, and what it lacked in hot guys, it made up for in music and cinematography.

Watching Pride & Prejudice...

2011-01-04T00:09:00.000-08:00

...with my mother--

Mrs Bennett: "Blah blah blah, I just KNEW everything would turn out all right with Lydia and Wickham! I don't care that my brother had to pay out a million tuppence for her safe return; let's plan what color taffeta she should don for the big day! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Me: "So... I think this movie was named after her."

My Mother: "No, then it would've been called Pure Stupidity."

Lydia: "I'm the first to be married and the youngest of all of you, my sisters! HAHAHAHA! What a laugh! I'm sure you're all so very jealous of me! Rolling on the floor laughing out loud, bitches!!!1"

Me: "There are four of them and one of her. You think they could take her?"

Mother: *nods*

--When Jane asks Elizabeth when she first started noticing she was falling in love with Mr. Darcy--

Elizabeth: "...But I believe I must date it from my first seeing his beautiful grounds at Pemberley."

My Mother: "That's kind of rude of her, isn't it?"

Me: "Well, except that by 'beautiful grounds,' she really means 'his hot wet bod.'

My Mother: "Oh, okay then, that's all right."

Yes, all right indeed.

Ye Olde Dictionary Of Fun

2010-12-12T23:29:00.000-08:00

I picked up a Webster's dictionary at an estate sale recently. Normally, that wouldn't be cause for celebration, but this one's extra special -- it's from 1949. Ooooh!

Words' meanings, of course, evolve over time. And you know all the naughty words of today had different, more tame meanings back then. Funny meanings, really. So of course, the first thing I did when I got the book was look up all those words! ;-)

What's even more fun than THAT, though, is looking in the New Words Department, toward the front of the dictionary. It's funny to think that, not so very long ago, words that WE use everyday were brand-spanking new to folks of the forties. (Or perhaps they'd been around for years, but were just then being made official by the snootisodes over at Webster's.)

In 2009, Webster's officially added words like "earmark," "flash mob," "frenemy," and "zipline."

In 1949, they granted us (among others):

Astronaut - One interested in travel in outer space.

Benadryl - A drug used in the treatment of hay fever and asthma.

How people lived without this AND super-suction vacuum cleaners, I will never know.

Baloney - (slang, USA) - Nonsense, humbug, buncombe, hooey or the like; balogna.

Strangely, "hooey" itself doesn't get its own entry anywhere in the dictionary. I demand justice for hooey!

Civil Disobedience

Cliffhanger

Commercial, or commercial broadcast - A radio broadcast that is paid for by an advertiser.

Conga

Facsimile transmission - Transmission by wire or over the air of text or pictures, and, at the receiving point, production of an exact copy on paper.

I didn't know they had this back then. For reals, I'm kind of impressed!

Frozen Foods

Jam session - (slang) - A meeting at which musicians play without scores, in swing fashion.

Loan Shark

Lobotomy - A technique of surgery in which sections are taken from the frontal lobes of the brain: used in treating certain forms of insanity.

I like their philosophy back then. "If it's broken, just take it apart!"

Manpower

Montage

Racism

Radar

Raincheck

Scrabble - A popular parlor game involving the arrangement of letters having various point scores into words.

Silicone

Snafu

Video

Walkie-Talkie

Wacky

Zoot Suit

I don't know about you, but I would not want to live in a world without Scrabble and wacky. I just wouldn't.

Four More Movie Characters I've Got A Crush On

2010-12-08T02:04:00.000-08:00

Ah, yet another addendum to my Movie Character Crushes list. Or four. Hey, why not? There's enough love for everyone!

Bert, Mary Poppins

So he can't hold down a steady job -- so what? Neither can Mary Poppins. I mean, let's face it, she may be a snazzy, smart nanny, but how long does she stay with the Banks family... a week? During that time, her friend Bert, a pseudo-cockney Jack-of-all-trades, takes on the roles of a chimney sweep, a one-man-band... person, a kite salesman, and a sidewalk chalk artist. And he does them all with gusto. He's also kind and helpful and has a sense of humor. And, as Mary Poppins points out in one of her songs, he would never think of pressing his advantage. Which I think is Mary's way of telling him he'd best keep his soot-stained paws to himself, lest he feel the wrath of her birdie umbrella. (P.S. Mary Poppins is crazy.)

Marty McFly, Back to the Future

When I first saw this movie at the age of eight, I thought Marty McFly was the coolest person ever. He could skateboard (with style!), rock out on the guitar, and, oh yes, drive. Not only that, but he got to have a Walkman and a video camera and a cordless phone. Remember, that was 1985. That'd be like owning an iPhone... and... well, that's basically it... today. Uh, nevermind, that comparison sucks. Whatever. Marty = very cute, super cool, and there to save the day -- no wonder Lorraine had a mad crush on him! And heck, if he was willing to go out on a date with his mom, certainly he would consider a little eight year old girl to be his sweetheart? Right? Oh well, a girl can dream.

Atticus Finch, To Kill A Mockingbird

Oh, beloved Atticus. I don't approve of you shooting dogs, rabid or no, but anyone can see you've got madass morals and strong convictions, and that, my dear, is commendable. You strive for justice and you stand up for what you believe is right. And even though your parenting style is a tad unconventional, you've somehow manage to raise two wise little buggers. You value the truth. You haul a lamp down to the jailhouse so you can read a good book. That's awesome. And so are you.

Attila The Hun, Attila

So he kills people and burns their villages. So he has eleven wives and forty-five kids. None of that matters when you've got killer abs. None of it!

* * * * *

This... Is... Persia!

2010-11-28T01:58:00.000-08:00

So I finally got around to watching Prince Of Persia the other day. (I say "finally" because I've been playing with the LEGO sets for months.)

Enjoyable film. It had a medieval, Robin Hood-esque feel to it. It had time travel. TIME TRAVEL! Speaking of which, I think they should change the subtitle to: "The Sands Of Time: Because DeLoreans Haven't Been Invented Yet." It had Lizzie Bennett from Lost In Austen. It had freaking Ben Kingsley, who can play creepy like nobody else can. And, of course, it had Jake Gyllenhaal, who I'm a bit torn over.

Jake, like his sister Maggie, has one of those faces that is both hauntingly beautiful and strangely disturbing at the same time. But for this movie, he had a buff body to go with it. Still, his hair was all dirty and he was always kind of sweaty... and not in a good way... more like I-just-fell-into-the-alligator-pit-at-the-zoo kind of way. Also, he reminded me of someone...

It always bothers me when people look like Muppets. George Clooney looked like Statler in Leatherheads, and I haven't been able to appreciate him since.

Oh well.

Prince Of Persia's strong points:

Acting, at least from Gyllenhaal and Kingsley. Really amazing stuff out of both of them.

Cinematography: Gorgeous!

Special Effects: Some really cool stuff. Some of it was over-the-top, but I can let it slide, seeing as how this was a video game adaptation and that extra-techy stuff is probably what they were going for.

Music: Beautiful, mystical, memorable

Weak points:

Editing. Guh. I'm such a whiner when it comes to editing, I know, but this movie could've been better in that department. It could have used some better transitions, and some parts were just too long

Shades of Aladdin when Jake's character is a young boy. Running around the marketplace, jumping off rooftops, trying to get away from the soldiers -- I was half expecting to see a cheeky little monkey pop on screen and for Jake/Dastan to break into song!

I'd give it three stars out of five, except I really liked the time travel stuff and the fact that Dastan changed & grew as a person, and morphed from an arrogant jerk into a courageous gentleman. So four stars. Because I can.

Feel-Good, Family Friendly, and other F words

2010-11-12T23:29:00.000-08:00

A Walk In My Shoes <<--view the trailer

I was there the day Nancy Travis smushed the Benson Bubbler.

The other day, I had the following conversation with my brother:

"So my movie is airing December third."

"What movie?"

"A Walk In My Shoes. The one with Nancy Travis..."

"What? Who?"

"Uhhh... she was in So I Married An Axe Murderer? Three Men And A Little Lady? Greedy? The Jane Austen Book Club?"

"Oh. I thought you said Nancy FRANCIS."

Nancy Francis used to be a local TV news anchor here in Portland. I had completely forgotten she existed.

Maybe what my brother needs is a photo. I'll google A Walk In My Shoes and see what I can come up with.

Hmmm...

I'm not sure any of that's helpful.

Well, just watch A Walk In My Shoes on NBC on December 3rd, look for me wearing a purple jacket in the park scenes and a blue jacket in the Nancy-Travis-can't-drive scenes, and whatever you do, don't mistake that purple shoe for a gravy boat... although I can see how that might happen.

Tuppence, Tuppence, Tuppence A Bag...

2010-10-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

So I don't think I ever introduced my chickens!

Here they are...

Uh, yeah... I've had them a while. :)

F.A.Q:

Q: Are they laying eggs?
A: Not yet. Although they are indeed hens (for a while we weren't sure; it's nigh impossible to tell when they're young), hens don't just pop out of their eggs ready to lay the next generation a.s.a.p. They will usually start laying at around 5-6 months of age, though in some cases they'll wait 'til the spring to begin the process. My chickens three will be 6 months old this November, so we're just waiting to see....

Q: Mmm, chicken! Are you going to eat them?
A: NO. Not only am I a vegetarian, but they're my pets! Do I ask you if you're going to eat your dog? RAWR. Stop causing trouble!

Q: What are their names, and how do you tell them apart?
A: The yellow one is C.C., short for Chickity China The Chinese Chicken. The black one with the gold specks on her chest is Servo. The black one with feathers on her feet is Gwynn (short for Penguin, which is what I called her originally, because she had a white chest as a chick.)

Scattered Childhood Memories #3

2010-10-04T22:06:00.000-07:00

The summer I turned five, my family hosted two teenage exchange students from Japan. Their names were Yuko and Naomi.

At first, I didn't know quite what to think of these two visitors. They smelled different. They were different. They knew very little English, something which I had never encountered before. Over the years, my family had -- and would -- host a variety of visitors, but these girls were (pardon the pun) the most foreign of all.

One night during their stay, my dad decided to try to teach Yuko and Naomi a card game known in our family as "Knock" (but which my grandpa calls "Polish Poker." Who knows what it is.) It was simultaneously fascinating and frustrating trying to watch my dad explain the rules of this relatively simple game -- in English -- to two girls who barely understood the language. But bless them, they tried, and with much laughter, everyone finally got the hang of the game.

Another time, the girls -- along with other members of their exchange group -- put on a magic show. One of the tricks involved pouring milk into a newspaper -- and keeping it there. I mean seriously, no milk dripped out. I'm still wondering exactly how they did that!

I remember one day we all went up to Mount Hood and rode the alpine slide up at timberline. This was my first time on a ski lift. Another time, we went to the beach. There's a picture of me in the back of our car, leaning my head against Naomi's shoulder. We're both fast asleep. Suffice it to say, I got over my initial apprehension and became close to those two.

One thing that helped bring us all together was origami. I've always loved art projects, so when the girls showed me the fancy little papers and told me I could make them into shapes, I was all aboard with that idea. Except for one thing... I wanted to use scissors and tape on my projects. Yuko and Naomi and even my parents tried to convince me that origami did not require those tools -- only folding. Yeah, but every time I tried to fold anything, I wound up with a big wad of paper. But the girls were ever patient.

I suppose Yuko and Naomi are in their 40s now. I wonder if they ever wonder about my family? Have they ever been back to the U.S.? Where have their lives taken them? Do they have children? Grandchildren? They could, you know... that was 25 years ago, I mean... anything's possible.

Hmmm.

Scattered Childhood Memories #2: Innocence Lost

2010-10-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

For my 7th birthday I've received a gumball machine money bank. A dime, nickel, or penny'll get you one gumball. I love the machine because 1) I love gum, and 2) I love buying things. Before long, all my minor coins are sacrificed to the machine.

A few days later, along comes my friend Beth, who takes one look at the gumball machine, pops off the bottom, and shows me how to not only get my money back, but to get all the gumballs I want, whenever I want, without having to pay. Sheer brilliance!

Of course, soon the gum is gone, and I don't have much in the way of $avings to show for my losses. And so the gumball machine becomes a useless toy, like a Pez dispenser without the Pez (unless you collect them, which I began to do in my late teens. They're much easier to collect than gumball machines, though. Where was I going with this?)

So, to summarize:

I was ecstatic when Beth first showed me the secret of the gumball machine. But I was sad soon after, once the gum had all been devoured. I wished she had never shown me how to open the bottom. Wished that had been left a mystery.

Wished I wasn't so darn greedy.

Woe to the gumballs.

Scattered Childhood Memories - #1

2010-09-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

I am 3 or 4 years old and we're at Blue Lake Park. I'm playing on one of the playgrounds -- for reference, it's the one that used to have the swings that looked like they were recycled from the swing ride at the fair, a double metal slide (stairs up the middle, slides on either side) and a metal jungle gym in the shape of a train engine. The floor of the playground is comprised of sand.

My parents are nearby, though they are not watching me directly. Maybe they're chatting with the extended family or with friends, whoever else is there. My brother is probably in his porto-playpen, too young to join in my adventures.

There's a boy about my age who is throwing sand. He's claimed ownership of the train engine, and won't let anybody get near it. Should any child attempt it, her eyes will sting from the impact of projectile sand. I have experienced this first-hand. No parents seem to be watching this unfold. The adults are all too preoccupied. Perhaps I even ask for help... but if so, none is given.

I decide to take matters into my own hands.

Anyone can fight with sand, but I can do one step better. I gather sand and grass in my hands, then meander over toward the boy, looking like I couldn't care less about his dumb old choo-choo train. When I get close enough, sashaaa! -- I get him, right in the face.

He gets upset. In fact, I think he tattles on me. But his mother takes one look at little innocent ol' me and does not give her son the benefit of the doubt. Either that or she chooses not to bother with me. She does not know my parents, what can she do?

I walk away, go over to my parents. I tell them nothing, though I am quite proud of my efforts. Proud of how I've stood up for myself and the other kids. I want to tell them all about how I thought to mix the natural elements for added effect! But something tells me it might not be best to share what I have done with grown-ups. They have strange, strange ideas about right and wrong, about justice.

No, this one will be my little secret.

Put All The Blame On VCRs

2010-09-25T02:20:00.000-07:00

I was thinking the other day about how my parents didn't take me to very many movies when I was a kid. I don't know why. I know they went to movies without us sometimes, so it couldn't have been that we were too poor. I also know that they wouldn't let me see the Back To The Future sequels in the theaters because, ohmygosh, they were rated PG and might be too intense for us! (Nevermind that the original BTTF was one of my favorite films, which I watched repeatedly on tape.) So, I mean, maybe they were just way overprotective ... only prone to letting us see the G-est of the G-rated.

Here are the movies I remember seeing in the theater as a kid:

101 Dalmatians
Batteries Not Included
Honey, I Shrunk The Kids
The Little Mermaid
Beauty and the Beast
Aladdin
Home Alone
An American Tail (possibly?)
Cool Runnings

That's between the ages of 0-13. And you might think I saw more, but that I just don't remember them... yeah, well, I doubt it. I have a pretty good memory when it comes to movies.

Meanwhile, we did have a VCR when I was growing up. My dad purchased the first one in 1985. I remember the night we first got it, how he tried to explain to me that I couldn't watch Dumbo NOW, but I would be able to watch it the next day. Madness, I thought. Man, you're crazy! But sure enough, there Dumbo was the next day... and the next... and the next....

Thanks to the magic of TV and that VCR, I spent my childhood watching (and rewatching) Dumbo, Mickey and the Beanstalk, Lambert the Sheepish Lion, Heidi's Song, Garfield In Paradise, A Garfield Halloween, A Garfield Christmas, Garfield In The Rough, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Race For Your Life Charlie Brown, What A Nightmare Charlie Brown (and about a dozen more CB specials) Mary Poppins, Peter Pan (with Mary Martin), The Care Bears Movie, The Secret Garden, Robin Hood, Flight Of The Navigator, Back to the Future, The Goonies, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, multiple Looney Tunes cartoon specials, A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur's Court, the Claymation Christmas Special, Alice In Wonderland, The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe, Pollyanna, and many more.

However, just because things were edited for television didn't mean my parents always approved of what they had taped for us....

Once, the movie The Adventures of Mark Twain aired, and my family watched it together. My brother and I really enjoyed it, but my parents were not pleased. There's a storyline involving Adam and Eve that is, well, not exactly Biblical. And my parents were all about things being correct, satire be darned. They decided the movie was just too scandalous. And so, after explaining their reasonings to my brother and I, they did the unthinkable:

The taped over the movie.

So of course, because of this, The Adventures Of Mark Twain took on a whole new life in my brain as That movie we loved but that my parents stole from us. For years I yearned to see it again. As soon as I could, I bought myself a copy on VHS. I've watched it several times since. The funny thing is, the Adam & Eve parts are probably the lamest of the whole movie. But the rest is really creepy and cool. Silly parental censorship!

Another time, my dad decided to tape Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade for us. This may have been the second time it had aired on network television, because my dad was ready with the VCR remote during the scene where Walter Donovan turns to dust and bones (read: he chose poooorly). My dad actually paused the tape during the recording so that Walter's progression of deterioration was almost entirely omitted. Why he thought this scene, out of all the scenes in the movie, was the one thing that needed to be censored, I will never know. As it stands now, I don't find that scene -- the full version -- scary at all, and never have. I think it's actually kind of cool! My brother and I both chuckle at this memory of my dad's over-protectiveness.

My parents weren't the only ones trying to look out for us. A lot of those taped-off-TV-movies I watched repeatedly as a kid had already been censored quite a bit by the networks. Back To The Future, for example, had most of its "bad" language replaced with somewhat less-objectionable wording... but otherwise, the film remained the same. Not so with the network TV version of The Goonies back in the 80's. That was the version I always watched as a kid. As an adult, I got the DVD and was stunned to see a bunch of scenes I'd never laid eyes on before. The kids shaking the pipes and disrupting the plumbing in the country club? Mouth talking to Rosalita about drugs? Andi kissing Mikey and commenting on his braces? Where did all these scenes come from? To this day, I find them foreign, as if the version on the DVD is some bizarre director's cut or something.

And now it's 2010 and VCRs are practically obsolete. Tivos and Blu-Ray players reign. But I don't understand how people can get rid of their VCRs. Don't they, too, have tapes full of old memories? Or is that just my family? I guess most people can just update their movie collection when a new format comes along, but I'll never be able to. I mean, yeah, I have Pollyanna on DVD now, and I have to admit it looks a whole lot better than the tape -- but sometimes, just sometimes, it's nice to pull out the old taped-off-channel-12 recording of it and watch it alongside those goofy 80s commercials that accompanied it back in the day.

Because that's the way I used to watch it.

And sometimes... that's just the way I want it.

Partnership For A Slackerful Existence

2010-09-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

This is my brain...

This is school...

This is my brain on school...

Any questions?

I mean, besides asking me why I'm using mixed metaphors and yoinking egg images from Google?

No? Okay, carry on, then.

If You Build It...

2010-09-02T00:28:00.000-07:00

I built a Lego thing for the state fair. I called it "Made In Oregon." AND IT WON THIRD PLACE!

Well, it won third place in the "Original design, LEGO bricks only - adults - over 5 years experience" Lego category. There are about eight categories, I should mention that. It wasn't, like, the third best Lego design of ALL or anything.

Okay, it was. Actually it was the ultimate awesomest for realz!

Listen to me, acting like a proud beauty pageant mommy!

The thing was, that was not easy to build! I have ultimate respect for Lego builders, now, because wow... I mean, Lego bricks are great, but if you press too hard, your whole structure can go kablooey in a hurry, and then you have to start all over and... yeah, it's totally an exercise in patience. This took me more than a week to build.

More photos (click to enlarge)

Also, two of my scrapbook pages won ribbons! This was my first year entering anything in the fair. (I almost did last year, but then the date for delivering your entries coincided with my trip to Nebraska, so it didn't happen.)

My Little Sister and I are already talking about what we will make to enter next year. Decorated cakes, perhaps, because with cakes you can eat your mistakes! (Okay, what is UP with me and the dorky rhyming?)

The Oregon State Fair runs through September 6th!

Statuettes

2010-08-29T01:39:00.000-07:00

So the Emmy Awards are tonight. Every year it's the same with me -- a sense of apathy about the whole thing. How come? Well, because the shows I watch are rarely nominated. Because most of the nominated shows are on channels I don't get. And other whiny reasons. Take a look at the shows that are nominated this year, in one category or another...

24
30 Rock
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Antiques Roadshow
The Big Bang Theory
Big Love
Breaking Bad
Burn Notice
The Cleaner
The Closer
The Colbert Report
Curb Your Enthusiasm
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Damages
Dancing With The Stars
Desperate Housewives
Dexter
Dirty Jobs
Friday Night Lights
Glee
The Good Wife
House
How I Met Your Mother
Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution
Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List
Law & Order: SVU
Lost
Mad Men
Men Of A Certain Age
Modern Family
Monk
Mythbusters
The New Adventures Of Old Christine
Nurse Jackie
The Office
Parks and Recreation
Project Runway
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
Survivor
Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien
Top Chef
True Blood
Two And A Half Men
Undercover Boss

That's a lot of shows. What do I watch? The Amazing Race, Survivor, Antiques Roadshow, and The Office. Forty-something shows, and I watch a mere four. Okay, sometimes I watch House with my mom. So five, I guess. And I think I've missed episodes of every one of them, so it's not like I'm a die-hard or anything.

Meanwhile, the Emmys are constantly snubbing the shows I enjoy most. Buffy The Vampire Slayer, one of the cleverest shows ever, never got a main Emmy nod. The Pretender? Nope. Lois & Clark? Not even. Wonderfalls? Completely overlooked. Since a lot of the shows I enjoy tend to be off the Emmy radar, I often feel like it's pointless to care about the awards. Obviously, the academy of Emmariffic arts and sciences is comprised of a bunch of dodoheads, so why should I give them my time?

Typically, if I do end up watching the Emmys, I often find myself rooting for specific actors or actresses -- and not because I liked their performance in the show they're nominated for -- but because, eh, I liked them in some movie back in the 80's. Nostalgia conquers all!

This year, I'll be rooting for Andre Braugher on Men Of A Certain Age, because Scott Bakula is also on that show, and Quantum Leap brings back fond memories. Aw, Sam and Al and Ziggy... those were the days.

I'll also cheer on Kyle Chandler -- not because I've ever seen Friday Night Lights, but because I used to like his show Early Edition back in the day.

As for the ladies, I think I'll root for January Jones, because I like people who are named after months. Plus she was in a TV movie I liked once. If TV movies aren't prime factors in these kinds of situations, I don't know what are!

And you know... sometimes the Emmy telecast does turn out to be worth it. Like when Kristin Chenoweth won for Pushing Daisies? Totally awesome. I was glad to be watching it that time.

Besides, Ricky Gervais has been known to show up at the Emmys and sometimes even present awards. Ricky is totally worth tuning in for.

Oh, I've also seen one of the two nominees for outstanding TV miniseries... Return to Cranford. It's up against The Pacific, which is getting all the good buzz. Cranford, in case you were wondering, was one of those Masterpiece-Theatre-Judi-Dench exhibitions. I seem to remember either someone getting hit by train or being trampled by a cow. Or maybe it was both.*

In the end, I don't really care who wins anything, except in the Reality Show Host competition. I swear on a stack of Little Golden Books, if Tom Bergeron wins that one, I'm boycotting the Emmys next year.

And by next year, I mean FOR-EV-ERRR.

*Edit: Oh hey, I just remembered. The cow got hit BY the train. Wow, how did I forget a thing like that?

The Swarm

2010-08-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

Do you want to see something gross?

In case you don't particularly, I'll make the picture small. But you can click on it to see it in its finest state...

<--- Flies.

I bought this fly trap about a week ago, to take care of the pest problem around our chicken coop. $4.99. Previously I had been spending 45 minutes outside daily, bludgeoning flies with a swatter, in what amounted to a modified game of Whack-a-Mole. And while that was fun for a while, I realized I wasn't making much of a dent in the fly population. Besides, my shoulders were starting to hurt. I needed something else. So off to the store I went, intent on buying an electric-shocking flyswatter or some other novelty. That's when I saw this. All I'd have to do was set it up, hang it up, and wait.

Day 1 - 8 flies.
Day 2 - 82 flies.
Day 3 - 200 flies.
And so on...

Today, a week later, the trap is half full of insect carcasses. See that green stripe with the word "Rescue" on it? The bodies go all the way to the bottom of that green part. They just keep adding up, stacking on top of the previously deceased. Isn't that revolting? I love it! The fine print on the packaging says the trap can hold 2,000 flies. TWO THOUSAND. So that means there are about 1,000 in there right now. Incredible! Wait, I shouldn't have told you that... we could've had a contest, like those jelly beans in a jar contests. The one where you win the jelly beans. Only this time, it could be loads better. Whoever guessed the closest could win the bag of flies! Think of how happy that could make your pet frogs, if you had any. Just THINK!

Oh well, maybe next time...

Fabulous He

2010-08-11T23:33:00.000-07:00

I have an addendum to make to my movie character crushes list.

I present: Prince Albert from The Young Victoria...

Or, as I have affectionately dubbed him, Hottie McHotalot.

At first I wasn't sure if I should include him, since Albert was a real person, not simply a movie character. But then I remembered that it's my list and I get to make the rules. Prince Albert makes the list because he is kind and helpful and head-over-heels in love with Victoria. Like, at first his relatives/advisors try to set up the marriage for strategic reasons. But when Albert falls in love with Victoria, he turns his back on all the scheming. His heart is pure. I love it when hearts are that. It just makes me all googly inside.

So welcome to the list, Al!

Raving About Ramona!

2010-07-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy right now becauuuse...

RAMONA AND BEEZUS IS NOT AN EPIC FAILURE (as was previously feared)

A bit o' history: I discovered the Ramona books when I was seven or eight years old. I've read all of them, now, multiple times. I love them. And I loved the Sarah Polley TV show. So, you know, I was going to be hard to please anyway. When I first found out they were making a Ramona movie I thought, Why? The 80's TV series was awesome. It captured the essence of the books. Why can't they just leave it at that? The movie's going to go and tarnish the memory of Ramona! RAAWWRR!! (I find that a good roar often gives a rant a little something extra.)

A year or so later, when I caught a glimpse of some of the movie audition videos online... and noticed that the dialogue/situations were not straight from the books, but rather seemed to take place AFTER the books... I thought, Great, it's not an adaptation... it's like a continuing story. We know how those can turn out. :(

And then I heard they'd cast Selena Gomez as Beezus and thought, Ugh, Disney Channel stunt casting. This is REALLY going to bite.

AND THEN when I realized the screenplay had been written by the same lady who was responsible for adapting Ella Enchanted for the big screen, I started screaming obscenities and throwing tomatoes.

Well, not really. But I did frown some.

So suffice it to say, I was nervous going into the theater, but I had to see Ramona and Beezus for myself!

And guess what? I was really, really, really, pleasantly surprised!

Ramona and Beezus takes place when Ramona is nine years old, sort of in Ramona's World territory. Things are a little out of sequence, though, as baby Roberta has already been born, but the cat, Picky-Picky, is still around.

Events from many of the Ramona books pop up, including the toothpaste incident, the crown of burrs, the raw egg fiasco, and jumping through the "hole in the house." A BUNCH more, too, but I don't want to spoil them all. Let's just say, fans of the books? You won't be disappointed.

Of course, the movie doesn't stick 100% to the books. There are quite a few new scenes in the film, but they work to tie everything together. There's also a subplot involving a teenariffic romance between Beezus and Henry Huggins. (Gasp! What would Beverly Cleary say?!)

Overall, it's a really cute movie. Sad scenes (warning! warning! Ramona Forever fans may know the one I mean) are handled tastefully (which is not to say I didn't shed a tear, because I so totally did.) Joey King, who plays Ramona, is a natural comedic actress. And 99% of the casting decisions were spot-on.

I would highly recommend this movie to anyone who used to love the Ramona books. This will definitely be one I buy on DVD and show to future generations of kids.

Well, that and the Sarah Polley TV show. I mean, come on... that's a classic!

Up A Tree Without A Clue

2010-07-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

Every year, people are faced with the same grueling decision: What to put on the top of the Christmas tree?

Should it be a star, symbolizing the star the Three Wise Men saw up in the sky that led them to the little town of Bethlehem?

Or, perhaps, an angel, in honor of the angel & his posse who heralded the lowly shepherds with the news of Jesus' birth?

It's a tough one. Luckily, some families do not need to make this yearly decision, because they have a set tradition. Every year, it's the same. These people are, you could say, on Team Star OR Team Angel.

But, for the sake of shaking things up a bit, I would like to propose a NEW team. Something entirely else for trees this holiday season. Something like this...

Huzzah! Vampire up a tree!

Last weekend I was visiting my relatives in Port Angeles, Washington, one of several meccas for Twilight fans. In the first book and movie, Bella and her friends go there to buy prom dresses. Bella goes to a book store and then nearly gets attacked by some frat guys. She is saved by Edward, his Volvo, and his Glare of Doom, and they go out to dinner together. She eats pasta, he eats her, they all die, the end.

Or no, I think I skipped a part.

SO ANYWAY, Port Angeles has decided it wants to cash in on all the Twi-hards by offering them wares galore in a store called "Dazzled By Twilight." Yes, in the heart of downtown Port Angeles, there is an entire store devoted entirely to the Twilight saga.

How long it'll actually last is anyone's guess.

Inside, there were racks of garments honoring all the vampires. There were statues and cardboard cutouts and posters and mugs and bleeping shrines devoted to the major characters.

There were middle-aged ladies scoping out the newest merchandise and pestering the clerks about when sold-out items would be in stock.

There were pieces of merchandise celebrating Forks, the town where Bella and Edward supposedly live. There was a display devoted to La Push, home of Jacob and his ilk.

hay guys anyone got a shirt i can borrow?

There was jewelry, including Bella's engagement ring -- so that you, too, can be engaged to Edward. Oh, Edward and his silly polygamous ways!

To the Twilight fan, Dazzled By Twilight has got to be a dream come true. For me, who read 90% of the first book and saw two of the movies, it's a little strange and overwhelming.

And which team, you ask, am I on? Team Edward or Team Jacob?

NEITHER.

Team Angel all the way!

B-)

10 Movie Characters I've Got A Crush On

2010-07-17T23:03:00.000-07:00

Come on, admit it, at some point you, too, have crushed on a movie character. Am I right? Sitting there in the theater, eating your overpriced popcorn, you've nearly fallen out of your seat because suddenly there appears the most gorgeous, adorable, perfect character you've ever seen. Right there in front of you. Thirty feet tall. Tall and beautiful.
And alas, they're not real.

And that hurts.

Thank goodness for DVD players and the ability to watch those movies over and over again. And in the darkness of your own living room, you can close your eyes... and pretend....

Here are my top ten movie crushes, in no particular order...

1. Louis Connelly, August Rush

If you can, in fact, remove your jaw from the floor after witnessing any scene which involves Jonathan Rhys Meyers, you perhaps can then take the time to appreciate how absolutely adorable his character is. Louis is a musician who meets The One. When he loses her through circumstances beyond his control, he crashes. But when he decides he's going to go out and find her, hope -- and music -- comes back into his life, and he takes up his guitar again. And damn, he is good. Pros: A nice guy, a great musician, very passionate. Cons: Has some inner demons he needs to purge.

2. Clark Kent, Superman Returns

Some people think Lois Lane is kind of a moron. Supposedly this is because she can not tell that Clark Kent is Superman, even though she has spent ample time with both of them. But really, I think the main reason she is moronic because she is WITH ANOTHER GUY. I mean sure, James Marsden's cute and all, but how can she ignore Brandon Routh's smoldering eyes? How can she not see how completely beautiful a person he is? Why is she still with James Marsden even, I don't know, ten seconds after Clark Kent's come back to Metropolis? Really, Lois -- we need to have a talk. Pros: Kind to children and animals. Cons: Is kind of awkward and dweeby... OR IS HE?

3. Gilbert Blythe, Anne Of Green Gables and Anne Of Green Gables: The Sequel

There is something to be said for a guy who truly loves just one girl, even when she gives him no hope whatsoever. A guy who offers this girl rides to and from work. Who offers a switcharoo so that she can have his job, because it's closer to her home. And who stands by while she gets her act together, waiting as patiently as he can. In some places, he'd be called a stalker. But viewers know Gilbert Blythe's heart is true, and FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, ANNE, GET A CLUE! (Whoa, did that just rhyme? Go me!) Pros: Sweet, patient, smart. Cons: He does like to tease...

4. Mike Nelson, Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

Oh, Mike, Mike, Mike. Mike's stuck on a spaceship called the Satellite of Love. He lives with four robots. They're forced to watch terrible, gut-wrenchingly awful movies, and yet -- he and his pals find humor in all of them. Their riffs -- everything from obscure pop culture references to simply making fun of the stupidity on screen directly -- consistently leave me in stitches. Pros: Mike is extremely witty and is patient with his robot friends, even though they give him a hard time. Cons: He's sort of stuck... up in space. Not much hope for a "life", really...

5. Benny Rodriguez,

The Sandlot

I know, I know, the kid's like 13 years old and I should not be crushing on him at my age. But considering I was about that age when I first saw the film, and considering the actor is, in fact, older than I am in real life, I see no wrongdoing. So leave me alone, dangit! Meanwhile, Benny is the most adorable member of the Sandlot squad. He's the best at baseball, the fastest runner, and he's super sweet. While the other Sandlot kids are cracking rude jokes about the new kid, Benny reaches out and invites him to play ball. Pros: Total sweetheart, the only one brave enough to truly face "The Beast." Cons: Has some personal fears he must overcome. But hey, who doesn't?

6. Johnny Martin, Penelope

In this film, a twist on the "Beauty and the Beast" story, Johnny falls in love with Penelope, despite her fantastical disfigurement. He sees her for her true beauty. Now he's just got to get her to see that! Pros: He's super sweet, and plays musical instruments like a pro. Cons: He has some personal problems early on in the film, but he eventually cleans himself up. Yay for reformation!

7. Indiana Jones, the first three Indiana Jones films

Brilliant, brave, and badass -- let's face it, Indiana Jones is the epitome of cool. Pros: Good-looking, resourceful, can handle just about anything. Cons: Except snakes.

8. Oliver Wood, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

It'd be one thing if Oliver Wood was just a good-looking Quidditch player... but no. They had to go and cast a gorgeous Scottish actor (Sean Biggerstaff) in the role of the Gryffindor Quidditch captain. Whenever Oliver goes about explaining the wizarding game to little Harry Potter, I tend to lose all sense of time and space. Pros: The accent, omg the accent. Cons: In the books, Oliver's kind of crazy. But wait, who said anything about the books? This list is about movie characters! Forget that then -- Oliver is awesome.

9. Robin Hood, Disney's Robin Hood

I am not ashamed to admit I think an animated fox is kinda sexy. Robin Hood is clever and brave and has an English accent, oh my. Pros: He's a one-woman man, dutifully devoted to his childhood love, Maid Marion. He would even die for her, which is totally romantic. Cons: He's a little cocky, but at least he can back it up. Have you seen him with a bow & arrow?

10. Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice (1995)

So he's prideful. And prejudiced. But only at first! Elizabeth Bennett manages to warm & soften his heart like a yummy Tollhouse cookie. Pros: Mr. Darcy is nice to his little sister, mean to anyone who'd try to hurt the women in his life, and looks great after a midday swim. Cons: Always with the staring, the longing staring. We're not Edward Cullen, here, Darcy! And it's not polite to stare! Oh, but it's okay... you're adorable, I forgive you!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I hope you enjoyed this list, and maybe even agreed with me on a few of them. If not, tell me about your movie crushes. And if you're currently in a relationship now and couldn't possibly admit to having any current crushes -- tell me who you liked when you were a kid. Was it Han Solo? Marty McFly? Charles Foster Kane? (Hey, I don't know how old you are!) Leave some comments and let me know!

make mine art

2010-06-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

I checked every CD tower. On the shelves. In boxes. Under the bed. Met some dust bunnies. Should probably clean someday. Couldn't find it anywhere. And then, at last, there it was -- in an obscure CD case nestled under papers I haven't touched in a year or more -- the CD-Rom of Paint Shop Pro 7, my favorite and most trustworthy art program.

I gingerly removed it from its sleeve and put it into the computer. Would it install? Would it work? This is a newish computer I've got here -- what if it didn't work? Then what was I going to do? I could buy Paintshop Pro 9, sure, but that costs lots of money and besides, it's not as familiar to me as my friend, dear old #7. No, it just had to work.

And then... the moment of truth....

IT WORKED!

As tears of relief and fondness sprung to my eyes, I kinda felt like Jodie Foster in Contact when she sees all the pretties in the wormhole in outer space.

"It's so beautiful!"

Yeah, Natalie Portman clone, I even kind of missed your stupid half face.

Now let's make some PICSHORES!!!1

Mango

2010-05-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

So I was at the grocery store the other day when something in the produce section caught my eye.

Atop a mountain of its own kind, there it sat: a mango.

Mango. The word sounds so luscious... so sophisticated, yet ready to party.

I wanted one.

Problem: I had no idea how to tell if it was ripe. I'd never bought a mango before. The ones before me were orangey-red on one side and yellowish-green on the other. Was that normal? I felt I should ask one of the produce clerks, but there weren't any around. So I just grabbed the first one I saw, made off with it and bought it.

Then it sat on my kitchen counter for a few days while I waited for it to change color. You know, just in case that was the way with mangoes. Apparently it wasn't. Three days later, it was still two-toned and mysterious.

So I googled "mangoes" and stumbled upon a web page that described how to cut and eat them. Fascinating stuff, that. I mean, who knew you aren't supposed to eat the skin? Or that there's a stone the size of Delaware in the center? Now at least I knew what I was in for. And according to the website, if my mango was slightly squooshy, it was ready to consume. Mine was. I got a knife and cut that mango open! The icky, sticky juice oozed all over the place. I wrestled a bit out of the skin and took a bite.

Um... ew.

Yeah. After lusting after them in the supermarket, buying one on a whim, learning all about them, and dissecting one for myself, I finally concluded that mangoes are bitter and taste like air fresheners.

Yay for higher learning! I think I'll tackle kumquats next.

Busted Benson Bubblers

2010-05-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

Okay. Gonna talk about my day on the set of the Nancy Travis movie.

I was so excited when I got the message saying I'd been hired to be a driver in a TV movie they're filming here in Portland. It's been 2 years since I've gotten one of those, and seriously, being an extra is something I need to do at least once a year or else I start to get cranky. I know, I'm strange.

My call time was 7am on this particular day, and the location was downtown Portland, which thrilled me because I actually knew where to go. No worrying about maps or anything. Just wake up at an unholy hour, get in the car, and get there. Park, make my way to the holding area, fill out forms, wait.

The holding area was an old abandoned building with two large rooms for our use. Tables and folding chairs had been set up, but everything else was just icky. There were actual piles of bricks in some corners, and near one pillar was a 2-foot-high pile of dirt. Suffice it to say, the cast got their own quarters. (On Twilight everyone shared a big tent and tables and got to eat the same food.)

Our first scene was down by the waterfront. I was wearing black jeans, several shirts, and my purple jacket, but I was still cold, and it kept drizzling throughout most of the morning. We did a lot of walking scenes. I was supposed to walk up to a male extra, pretend to know him, and walk down a path with him. We were supposed to kind of hug. Ironically (?) we did at first, but by the 12th take we were barely even touching. Enough is enough! We also got to walk right in front of the camera once (there's a name for that, passing in front -- I forget what it is though. Basically you don't get seen, you're mostly just a fraction-of-a-second blur, which is to imply that the characters are in a crowded place.)

(I should mention there were about 20 of us there. 3 folks had been asked to bring their small dogs. Some had bicycles. One guy was asked to be a juggler. If they ask you to bring stuff you can get a bump in pay. I got one just for bringing my car, in case they needed a driver. My car ended up sitting parked in a lot all day, heh.)

I had a short conversation with the juggler, and spoke with another extra who mentioned there's going to be a Goonies reunion in Astoria next month. Sweet! Random.

A lot of joggers and bicyclers passed by on the waterfront trail while we were filming. Some stopped to ask what was going on. Others stopped to stare.

After a few hours, they sent us back to holding, then almost immediately called us back out there for more of the same. After another 45 minutes of shooting, the scene was finally done, and they told us to change into our second outfit. (All I had to do was change jackets; though for warmth I added an extra shirt underneath.)

Next up, they took us about two blocks away to a street corner, where'd they be filming for the rest of the day. They placed us and had us do a rehearsal, then sent us back to holding for lunch. On the Sony shoot we got cold pizza, Feast of Love we got sack lunches, and Twilight we got buffet -- here we had a food cart/motorhome thing with some people cooking inside. We could have steak, fish, mashed potatoes, tortellini, and/or green beans. I got tortellini and beans, but neither was great. Then inside the abandoned building they had a salad/fruit buffet and chocolate cake. The cake was the best thing. They gave us maybe 20 minutes to eat lunch and then we went back to work.

So in this scene they were shooting, Nancy Travis's character runs her SUV onto a curb and hits a Benson Bubbler. Water everywhere. The extras react with horror and concern. In one take, we had to run right up to her car window and peer inside. In another, we did the same thing, but the car wasn't actually there; we just ran toward the camera and pretend a mark was the car window. Later in the afternoon, a guy and I were placed on cafe chairs, so we got to sit while they filmed a bunch of drive-by stuff.

I got to talk a lot to the people around me. This one guy was completely hilarious (if not a little creepy in some ways); his name was Bobby. He told us he got lots of extra work as a thug or a criminal, and had been told he looks like a lot of people, including Sammy Davis Jr. and the Prince of Dubai. ROFL. Then this other guy who was sitting near us told us he's always being told he looks like someone in particular. *I* thought he looked like Gabriel Byrne, but he didn't know who that was when I mentioned it. Nope, he pushed his hair back a bit and suddenly -- he was Steve Carell! It was friggin uncanny! His name was Kevin but Bobby called him Steve for the rest of the day.

While we were sitting there, Bobby and I were talking about being extras on other projects, and he pointed out a blonde twentysomething woman who he had seen bossing the other extras around and acting like a know-it-all. "There's one on every set," he said. I said I'd never really encountered that before, but he assured me there was always one. She thus became known as Pink Shirt. Later, I found out exactly what he meant. Once, when we were all kind of gathered in a group, waiting, a random guy off the street came up and asked me for directions to the train station. After I did and he walked off, Pink Shirt demanded to know what he'd said, so I replied, and then she started contradicting my directions. (Except she was wrong.) The rest of the time was the same thing; she was spewing her bossy know-it-allness on everyone. And when she would, Bobby and I would catch each other's eye and just start laughing. At one point, she snootily said to Bobby that he shouldn't act a certain way, because "that's why you don't get asked back for more projects!" He'd already told me about the slew of projects he'd done, so that was pretty funny.

I should mention the pedestrians, because they were pretty entertaining also. Since the scene involved a car crash, and since extras usually stand around a lot, and since watching them set up shots is sometimes the only thing TO do, a lot of random Portlanders walking through the area would stop and stare. And they thought we were doing that also. They thought were were just standing around gawking. One guy even asked me if I'd seen what had happened (like it was a real car accident!) Sooo many people had to be asked to keep walking, because they'd just stop and stand there while they were trying to film. Once, a homeless woman with her cartful of earthly possession came charging right through and ended up dropping a water bottle and a triangular piece of cardboard. When one of the crewmembers stooped to pick it up for her she yelled "No, don't touch that!" She left, growling.

Ah, Portland.

Back to holding around 5:30, more waiting. The building was now devoid of chairs and tables! Furniture rapture in there. Also it was cold. I stood outside in the sun for quite a while. I spoke to one of the ladies who'd brought her dog, and told her about the upcoming Doggie Dash. A homeless man tried to sell the juggler guy and me a (probably stolen) bicycle for $20 and seemed flabbergasted when we turned him down.

Then more filming, and released at 8pm.

The strange thing was, I wasn't even tired, even though I'd been out there for 13 hours. It does help to get a good night's sleep beforehand. Although the next day, I was completely dragging. That's when it hit me.

So all in all it was a good experience. I was happy to get to see Nancy Travis. The cold and the rain sucked, as did the accommodations, but I've heard other extras talk of much worse, so I can't complain too much.

I'm guessing the movie will be out around Christmas, but nobody can seem to agree on what channel. CBS, NBC, Lifetime, or Hallmark? I'll post here when I know more.

In the Hood

2010-05-08T00:59:00.000-07:00

So I'm looking forward to a few movies this year. One of them is Robin Hood, starring Russell Crowe.

When I first heard about it, I thought it would surely suck, at least for me. For one thing, I've had an unexplained loathing of Russell Crowe ever since Russell Crowe started being Russell Crowe. Poor Russell's never had a chance to redeem himself in my eyes for the crime of being... well, him... because I've pretty much avoided all his films since, oh, 1997. Also, originally Sienna Miller was rumored to be playing Maid Marian. I dislike her on principle alone. So that gave me two reasons to run in the other direction.

But dangit, I happen to like the concept of Robin Hood. The Disney movie, the Kevin Costner movie, the BBC TV series o' eye candy, I love em all. And from what I could tell, this new movie would be by-the-book Robin Hood. Maybe even more edgy. Certainly more promising than the Tom Cruise/Ben Stiller-proposed flick about the Hardy Boys all grown up, Hardy Men. (If that one ever sees the light of day, there will be blood.) But with the new Robin Hood? No blasphemous potential, far as I could tell.

And now, as the opening of 2010's Robin Hood approaches, we're being given trailers and production stills to pore over. One can only wonder... what will the movie really be like? Let's take a look at some of the photos and consider what we see.

Here we have Russell Crowe.

Channeling David Morse...?

Or perhaps Gerard Butler...?

Either one is fine, really.

Robin Hood's love interest is played by Cate Blanchett, who will forever be embedded in my mind as Irena Spalko, from the last Indiana Jones movie.

That's not a good thing.

"Why, 'twasn't I who ruined the last Indiana Jones film! It was that rogue Shia LeBeouf! And the monkeys! Oh, and also the script!"

"Land sakes, I have man boobs! Who am I supposed to be, anyway?"

Mother Superior disapproves.

"Like my crown bonnet? Stays on in the wind! So very practical!"

"My horse is taller than your horse."

"Aw, shut up. I'll trade you!"

Ricky Gervais IS Friar Tuck

"So sexy and handsome am I. And yet so diabolical. I seriously do believe I love me!"

Which reminds me. Can ANY Prince John/Sheriff of Nottingham/Guy of Gisborne/Robin Hood villain be more awesome than Alan Rickman?

No. No they can not.

In conclusion, I present two Robin Hood posters: one from the newest film, and one from Prince of Thieves.

I have to say, the Kevin Costner poster kicks ass in the poster-ass-kicking department. I mean, look at the two of them. Kevin Costner's going, "Eat this fiery arrow, $&@#-%&@!!" Russell looks like he's hunting wabbit.

So yeah, I'm still not quite sure about this new movie. But I reserve the right to eat my words after seeing it. Maybe, just maybe, I'll end up loving it. And maybe I'll end up loving Russell Crowe, too!

o_O

Laughter: The Best Medicine... Of Doom

2010-03-22T17:48:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting in a coffee shop trying to ignore a middle-aged guy two tables away. He's sitting with a friend, and they are both laughing. But this guy in particular -- I'll call him Bill -- sounds like he's been dipping into the nitrous oxide. The laughter is pouring out of him, in all shapes, sizes, and forms (this includes cackling like a wicked witch), and I'm about ready to send some hot coffee his way. No, I don't mean buying him a drink. I mean THROW COFFEE AT HIS HEAD.

A second friend has just plunked himself down at Bill's table, which has prompted -- I kid you not -- a genuine burst of North Poleean Ho, Ho, Ho!s. Changin' it up a notch? Okay, Bill. Ack, he's varietized again! Here comes a round of Heh heh heh!s. Now I've become obsessed with counting the Hehs. I wonder, do more syllables directly correspond to more mirth? "Eh, that joke was mildly amusing. FOUR hehs, I say. Why, that last remark was especially witty! I shall bestow upon it a TEN-HEH salute! Eleven if you're lucky! And a coda of Ho, Ho, Ho!s, my good fellow!"

Hmmm.

Laughter is a bizarre thing, if you really think about it. Sure, it comes naturally, and yeah, some people love a good laugh. But think about it -- how many other normal bodily sounds draw so many question marks from those around you? Example: Let's say you're riding a bus (buses and bodily noises go hand-in-hand, after all). The guy sitting next to you sighs. Okay, you can assume he's having a hard day. Or he's tired. No cause for concern there. Maybe the guy burps. Rude, sure, but maybe he just downed a Big Gulp. A sneeze? Allergies. Cough? He needs to clear his throat. A laugh?

OH GOD, HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL

It's frightening! It induces paranoia! I can't just accept that maybe he suddenly recalled a funny joke from eariler. No, ten bucks says he's sitting there thinking about world domination.

I guess when it comes right down to it, if someone's laughing, I want to be in on it. I want to know what's so darn funny. And if you're planning something diabolical, by all means, keep me informed.

Also, maybe, deep down, I want to be sitting here with someone who makes me laugh the way Bill's friends are making him laugh. Maybe I need to call up my buddies for a coffee date. We'll talk and reminisce and laugh to our hearts' delight, prompting the other patrons to wonder as to our sanity.

But I'll draw the line at Ho, Ho, Ho-ing.

Sorry, Bill... that's just weird.

Let down thy golden hair!

2010-03-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

It makes me sad that I'm evidently the only one in the world who likes the movie Pocahontas. For me, it's this terrific movie about preserving nature, the importance of peace, being unselfish, and following your heart, but all I ever hear about it is how it's not historically accurate because Pocahontas never loved John Smith in real life and how she really was supposed to be 12 years old and curveless and how in reality she wouldn't have worn such a short skirt -- or any skirt at all, for that matter.

Well fine, but if you ignore all THAT....

Anyway, so Pocahontas -- the movie, not the short-skirted Native American beauty -- is going to be 15 years old this year. Pocahontas happens to be the last Disney movie I ever really got excited about. Beauty and the Beast was my first Disney obsession, and from the time that left theaters until Pocahontas came out, I longed for another movie that I could love as much. Aladdin was okay, but it just didn't give me the same feeling. Maybe because its main protagonist was male? No, no... 2/3 of my other Top 3 movies feature a male protagonist, so scratch that. The Lion King, which came out in 1994, had great music, but I didn't care for the story. Then in 1995, Pocahontas came along. And I went nuts for it. I still don't think it's anywhere near as good as BATB, but back in 1995 I was so excited for it. I got all the Burger King toys. And a crown. And stickers. And a big stuffed Meeko from the Disney Store.

Two main memories from the summer of 1995 stick out in my mind...

1) Watching Lois & Clark repeatedly while playing Tetris on my newly-acquired green Gameboy. (To this day, I still kick ass at Tetris, TYVM.)
2) Sitting in my pool in the backyard and singing the Pocahontas songs while playing with the BK toys. Which is embarrassing in that I was 14 and probably too old for that, and that the neighbors could probably hear me. O_o

One of the last animated (non-Pixar) Disney movies I ever saw in theaters was The Hunchback of Notre Dame in '96, and I actually saw it twice, but the second time was so that my cousin Sarah and I could hunt for Belle, cuz those crazy animators decided to put her in a village scene and that amused us greatly. Hunchback is a visually stunning film, even by today's standards, but the story's a bit dark and it lacks the whimsy of BATB.

And the more I think about it, the more I think what I want to see Disney make is fairy tales. Plain old, by-the-book-but-Disneyfied fairy tales. With talking sidekicks, of course, ones that are cute and brave, but for the love of all things good & pure, not sassy or lunkheaded. Or, hey, screw the sidekicks altogether... I mean, Robin Hood did okay without resorting to the inclusion of "things that talk what should not talk," right? Well, except for the animals... they all talked, but everybody in that movie was an animal (even Friar Tuck, though I'll be darned if I know exactly what he was) so I guess that doesn't count. In conclusion, this paragraph has lost all sense of direction.

I guess the main purpose of this blog entry (besides to defend poor Pocahontas) is to say I'm finally looking forward to another Disney movie. Formerly called Rapunzel, now called Tangled, I am anticipating its release with as much eagerness as a person my age can muster. (Yes, I'm 102, thanks for asking.) This one's been in the works for a few years, and they say it'll finally be out this year. And me? I'm all for it. Boy + girl + hijinks - complications = love. In November, I'll be there.

And Disney? It better be good.