Wednesday, August 14, 2013

About Face(s)

Today I bring you yet another "Classic Post," circa August 2003. That's a whole decade ago, people who do not have mental calculators! Please enjoy... and be afraid.




Recently I borrowed a Waldo book from my brother -- to use as a surface for my laptop's external mouse to roll around on. Naturally, being the curious individual that I am, I felt the need to thumb through the book and find me some Waldos. The book in question? Where's Waldo? The Wonder Book. Cast of characters? Waldo, the Wizard Whitebeard, Wanda/Wenda/Wilma/Whateverhernameis, and Odlaw.


Odlaw, whose name I can never remember... which is lame considering it's simply Waldo spelled backwards. Odlaw, who I inadvertently referred to as "Waluigi" when discussing him with my brother.


Please don't ask me why we were conversing about Waldo. It's embarrassing.

Waluigi, as you may know, is the nemesis/parallel personality of Luigi in several Nintendo games. Not to be confused with Wario, the nemesis/parallel personality of Luigi's brother, Mario. And not to be confused with the Purple Pieman, who looks like he could be the brother of Waluigi... but since there is no nemesis/parallel personality for the Purple Pieman, throwing him into the equasion would inevitably cause the universe to either A) break down into small fragments or B) explode. You decide.


So I feel it is necessary to draw distinctions between some of the most famous mustached cartoon and video game miscreants in recent history. And they are:




Wario

Wario is a fun little guy. With his yellow-and-purple garb, he's bright and colorful, making him fun to look at. His zig-zag (note: not bushy, not ordinary) mustache distinguishes him as a nefarious individual. His pointy ears suggest that he is either not human, or severely deformed. He's short and chunky, like Mario, but is agile... a sneaky sort of fellow. Not to be messed with. Unless, you know, you want your butt kicked.


Waluigi

Let's face facts: Waluigi is a freak of nature. Wheras Wario and Mario are similar in size and shape, Waluigi is much taller and much more insect-like than Luigi. Like Wario, Waluigi has pointy, elf-like ears. Additionally, Waluigi's hat bears the symbol of an upside-down "L": take that, Luigi. Waluigi apparently thinks Luigi's goingdown, man. With his freakish-looking nose and little wooden shoes, Waluigi is scary, yes, but is about as harmful as a salad fork.


The Purple Pieman

The Purple Pieman is the kind of pieman that will scare the you-know-what out of small children. A staple on the 1980's TV series Strawberry Shortcake, The Purple Pieman wore (yes) purple clothes and, though it's been twenty years since I saw the darn show, I believe he stole pies. Either that or he baked them. But I think he stole them because he was evil. But then why is he wearing an apron if he doesn't bake... oh well. Forget it. With his mustache of unusual length, bird legs, pants that resemble footy pajamas, and ears that have a strange resemblance to those of Sloth from The Goonies, The Purple Pieman is definitely the psycho of the bunch.


Odlaw

Odlaw, with his yellow striped shirt, is the anti-Waldo. Not sure really what he does, and I'm not about to read up on my Waldoese to find out. (Actually, I think the Saturday-morning cartoon series explained it.) However, I do know that he's famous for doing very few good deeds indeed. Nobody likes a guy who shies away from the art of good-deed-doing. Color-blind folk may not be able to easily tell the difference between Waldo and Odlaw, but never fear; it's simple: Odlaw has amustache. Because evil people like facial hair...?


Colonel Sanders

I have no problem whatsoever with the Colonel Sanders, the human, or even the actors who played him in the commercials. My problem is with the little cartoon Colonel who invaded the KFC ads for awhile, acting like a 68-year-old little badass. The picture (right) disturbs me on very high levels. What exactly is he doing? The Zombie? The Macarena? Is he checking to see if his deodorant is doing its job? Honestly, this guy needs to be permanently shelved and never brought back. Please, KFC, please.





Originally published on AlligatorJuice.com on 8/21/03. And I'm pleased to note that I can't remember the last time I saw that horrible Colonel on TV. So perhaps there's hope for society after all. (That, or I watch a lot less TV now?)

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